A Guide to Ashland
by Miacakes
Summary: Edward is the new kid with the faded, red truck. In Ashland he discovers brownies, illegal late-night gardening and a pale girl with a penchant for apples. AH.
1. Silver Tiles and The Captain of the Ship

**A/N: **This is my first published piece of fanfic. I'm pretty excited. Thank you for giving it a chance.

xxx

**Chapter 1. Silver Tiles and The Captain of the Ship**

_'_…_Three teeth left his silver smile  
Brushed clean three metal tiles  
And tiles like parking lots  
Three miles it never stops boy  
You'll be okay boy  
Your silver tiles…'_

"This song makes no sense Edward. I mean who on earth would buy silver tiles? Sounds pretty tacky to me."

Edward turned to his father, "Who crowned _you_ the Queen of Style?"

Carlisle Cullen shot his son a withering look.

"Anyway, it doesn't matter if the lyrics are a little confused. Point is - the song's awesome," Edward yawned loudly.

_'…__And all our hopes  
And all our friends  
Through parking lots  
I found this  
'B' I got in school…'_

"So, what do you think?" Carlisle Cullen asked him as they pulled up to the white clapboard house. It was neat and middle class. Just like the whole town. Just like Carlisle and Edward Cullen. _How appropriate._, Edward thought.

"It's all very…clean." Edward shrugged apologetically at his father. He knew his answer was pathetic, but the drive from northern Washington to southern Oregon had lulled him into a strange state of semi consciousness, where he was neither fully awake nor asleep. It had only been a nine hour journey, not long by Edward's standards, but the only thing that he had seemed to notice was the changing weather.

They had left Forks amidst clouds, rain and cool air. Edward hadn't been surprised at that; he had revelled in it as his father had steered their car out of the long, winding lane that was the drive to their house for the final time. But as they drove, the weather changed. 535 miles south of Forks, only a short distance from the Californian stateline, the Cullens were welcomed to their new home with sunshine and balmy late-August weather.

Edward's first impressions of the town of Ashland had been dominated by streets lined with trees and small, comfortable looking homes. He had seen nothing of the centre of the town, but for now everything seemed rather picturesque. Quaint, even though the town was considerably larger than Forks.

_My America, my Newfoundland_. Edward laughed inwardly and then thought better of it. _Christ, I'm a smug clown. I'll never make friends here if I act like this. If I weren't me, I'd be the guy kicking my ass for quoting Donne._

Carlisle chuckled. "I know, but I actually meant the house."

Edward looked at the house. It was nice to look at, surrounded, as it was, by trees and lushly green lawn. It had a small porch and a low roof; the rooms upstairs would have slanted ceilings.

Most importantly, it was an appropriate size for their family. The Cullen's house in Forks had been a glass-walled, modernist monstrosity. It's large, open spaces and numerous bedrooms had made the house seem stark and empty when there were only two people two fill it. But, Edward understood why his father had bought it.

Carlisle Cullen had always wanted a large family with his wife and he had unconsciously held onto that dream, even after her death. Edward had been nineteen months when Elizabeth Cullen died in a car accident. After that Carlisle had moved himself and his son from Chicago to Alaska to live with his sister and their family. Tanya had looked after Edward, as well as her own children, so Carlisle could work the long hours his career as a surgeon demanded of him. When Edward became old enough to look after himself, Carlisle accepted a job offer in Forks and bought the large, white house on the outskirts of the town. But Carlisle had been born in California, had met his wife there. After having spent the last two decades living in a cool climate, he was drawn a little further south, towards slightly milder weather.

Edward knew that his father had worried about uprooting him for his last year of high school. Carlisle did not understand that had Edward never really felt at home in Forks, had never really made friends.

As Edward looked at the modest but pretty, three-bedroom house, he saw that his father was finally ready to move on with his life. To accept the fact that his wife would never return, never bless him with any additional children, and to attempt to make the best of his own and his son's life.

_The house is perfect_, Edward thought.

"I like it, Dad."

xxx

Two and a half hours later they had emptied the moving van they had hired to trail them from Washington of their belongings. The movers had left and Carlisle and Edward were now facing the daunting task of unpacking.

"Hoarding is a lady disease. We're two guys Edward; we shouldn't need this much stuff," Carlisle said as they surveyed the mountain of uniform, brown boxes that had been labelled 'Lounge' and were now piled in the living room.

"Maybe we should get started on the bedrooms; I'd rather put our beds together so we have somewhere to sleep by tonight, than spend the evening setting up the surround sound system," Edward suggested.

_Well, look who's being all sensible and shit, Mr. I'd-rather-eat-ice-cream-for-breakfast-thanks._

Carlisle laughed, "Well, look who's being all sensible and stuff, Mr. I'd-rather-eat-ice-cream-for-breakfast-thanks."

_Okay. That was creepy._

Edward, worried that he was turning into a foul-mouthed version of his own father, just nodded and rushed upstairs.

Within another hour and a half they had assembled their beds. It had taken them slightly longer than anticipated, because they had set up Edward's stereo and were playing 'Black Betty' on repeat. Ram Jam had been encouraging Carlisle and Edward to stop putting the beds together repeatedly for air guitar interludes. Accordingly, they were getting rather hungry. It was eight o'clock, but they had yet to unpack any kitchen utensils.

"Well, we've been real men today, with all the heavy lifting and bed-building we've been doing. Why don't we continue in that vein and go pick up some greasy takeout for dinner?" Carlisle, ever the responsible doctor, asked.

Edward gave his assent, "Yeah, but we might need to shower first." He sniffed his father, "You smell like something died on you, so I'm guessing I do, too."

Carlisle lifted an arm and sniffed his underarm in a similar fashion. "Don't know what you're talking about, son. That's real man's sweat – the stuff angel's breath is made out of." He grinned at his son and added, "Meet you downstairs in fifteen minutes."

Edward took a quick shower and then tried to find some clothes in the boxes and suitcases that filled his room. He heard his father descend the stairs and a moment later a high-pitched "Yoo-hoo!" drifted up to his bedroom. Edward bounded down the stairs, while simultaneously pulling a t-shirt over his head and shouting "Dad that was a very feminine sound you just made. Did you hurt any important bits?"

Suddenly he heard a booming laugh from the direction of the front door. Edward's head whipped up to see a giant of a teenage boy and a plump middle aged lady, with a pink blush and a shocked expression covering her face, standing in the open doorway.

_How the hell did they get in here?_ Edward panicked, wondering if they had moved to a town where it was okay for people to break and enter.

The woman still seemed a little out-of-sorts, so her son, or what Edward assumed to be her son, stepped in. "Hi, we came to introduce ourselves, well rather my mother wanted to introduce herself, and dragged me here for moral support. Your front door was open."

"Oh, um…hello?" _Smoooooooth, Edward._

The lady recovered her composure and smiled kindly at Edward. "Hello dear. We saw you move in earlier, but I was completely unprepared so I quickly made you these." she said, holding out a platter-full of cookies.

"Um, wow. Thanks…that's so nice," Edward said as he took the platter. _Not really improving your eloquence here._

"I'm Bernadette McCarty and this is my son Emmett," Mrs. McCarty pointed to the boulder looming behind her. Edward inspected the boy's appearance more closely. He had a kind face, like his mother, with a big grin stretching from one side of his face to the other, accentuated by dimples. He had twinkling eyes and brown curls that looked a little bleached as if the boy had been spending a lot of time in the water and sun. If not for the dangerous looking muscles that were threatening to burst through his shirt at any moment he would have looked as wholesome as a Walton.

_Though not as inbred._

Emmett smiled even wider, if possible, and gave Edward an enthusiastic wave with one of his meaty arms. "Hey man."

Edward was about to respond, when his father rounded into the hallway from the kitchen on Edward's right. "Edward did I hear voi…Oh. Hello…" Carlisle finished his sentence as awkwardly as his son had been conversing with the McCarties.

_Maybe bad social skills are hereditary. They must think we're hermits. _

Mrs. McCarty, however, didn't seem to have noticed Carlisle's less than articulate greeting; in fact, she seemed rather flustered.

Edward groaned inwardly. He was used to the reaction the fairer sex had to his father. Carlisle was tall, blonde, blue-eyed, possessed the bone structure of a young God and he had a singular effect on women. Once they found out he was single and a doctor, Carlisle did well to speed away in a blur of silver Volvo-ness.

Carlisle watched Mrs. McCarty expectantly as she attempted to get her breathing pattern under control. When she made no attempt to do anything other than stare, he offered her his hand. "Hi, I'm Carlisle Cullen. You seem to have already met my son Edward."

_Ok, so maybe I still _can_ learn a thing or two about manners from Carlisle._

Not to be outdone by his father, Edward said, "It's a pleasure to meet you Mrs. McCarty, and you Emmett."

"Suck up." Both Carlisle and Emmett said under their breaths, but they smiled at Edward to show that they were only in jest.

_Great_, Edward thought darkly, _those two will get on like a house on fire._

"I'm Bernadette!" Mrs. McCarty said loudly, having clearly just snapped out of whatever Carlisle-induced haze she was in. She then proceeded to actually take the cookies out of Edward's hands and thrust them towards Carlisle. "I made these for you." she stated with another near-shout.

Carlisle rewarded her efforts with a toothy grin, "That's very generous of you Bernadette. Thank you." _There goes another Carlisle-haze._

Emmett nudged his mother gently with his elbow. "Ma, dinner remember?"

Mrs. McCarty looked at Emmett as if he had just given her the most considerate gift of her existence. "Yes, that's right! We also came over to invite you to dinner. I mean you must be in the middle of unpacking and I don't know whether you have managed to pick up any groceries, yet. We'd love to have you join us this evening." She smiled brightly at Carlisle, making Edward feel distinctly left out of the invitation.

"Yes, that would be great. We were just about to head downtown to pick up something tasteless and artery-clogging, because that's the kind of thoughtful father I am, but this sounds like a much better offer."

"Ok, well you can come over now if you'd like. Will Mrs. Cullen be joining us?" Mrs. McCarty enquired casually.

Carlisle shifted nervously, "No, it's just my son and I. I'll get the keys so we can lock up."

"So real men worry about take-out clogging their arteries, huh?" Edward asked Carlisle quietly as they followed the McCarty's down the garden path of their new home and across the street towards a yellow house. It was cheerful looking even in the orange glow of the street lights.

His father smirked. "A real man never turns down a lady's invitation to dance or dinner."

xxx

"That was truly delicious Bernadette. Howard, you are a very lucky man." Carlisle sat contended at the table, slightly patting his poor, abused stomach.

Mr. McCarty chuckled. "If you're impressed with that you should see the things she does with turkey. Come Thanksgiving you'll be begging to be let in, unable to cope with the pure torture of the smells wafting across the street from our house."

As soon as Edward saw Howard McCarty, he understood where Emmett had got his considerable size from. If anything, Howard's form was even scarier to look at. But underneath that he had the same jolly air and kind demeanour as his wife and son. In fact, all the adults in the room were currently sporting a jolly air and kind demeanour.

_Probably has something to do with that second bottle of wine they just opened._

"Hey Edward, I have my Playstation set up upstairs. You want in?" Emmett nudged his head in the direction of the staircase.

Edward took one look at his father and Emmett's parents, none of the party seemingly having any intention of moving in the near future. "Sure, that'd be great."

As Edward followed him towards the stairs Emmett's huge form accidentally walked into the banister. "Argh! Motherfucker!" Emmett cursed loudly.

"EMMETT MCCARTY! Did I just hear what I think I heard?" his mother shouted at a pitch almost too high for human ears.

"Um, ah…I said _little bugger_, Ma!" he grinned and shrugged unapologetically at Edward.

Emmett's room was surprisingly neat. From the mischievous glint that sparkled in his eyes, and the careless way in which the boy toed off his sneakers next to his bed, Edward would have supposed it to look like a war zone.

Emmett seemed to understand the slightly disbelieving expression Edward wore on his face. "My ma cleaned today," he admitted sheepishly. Then he grinned, and nodded towards a rather large collection of games that were stacked next to his television. "So, what do you want to play?"

Edward shrugged, "Blood and guts seems like a sensible choice."

"Alright!" Emmett cheered and punched Edward's arm seemingly in celebration.

_I'll celebrate, too, once I regain feeling in that limb._

While Emmett busied himself looking for an appropriately gory game, Edward had a chance to study his room. It was spacious, the walls painted a dark blue. On the far side of the room stood a bed with what looked like a handmade quilt covering it. It was a compliment to the bed that it seemed to be large enough to be able to accommodate even Emmett comfortably.

The opposite side of the room contained an entertainment system. A desk stood opposite the door in front of the window. It was covered in sporting magazines, a laptop and seemingly everything that Emmett carried around in his pockets all day long. Gum, a cell phone, money, an Ipod, a wide range of sweets and a single condom. _Well…good for him_, Edward thought.

Averting his gaze, Edward noticed a large yellow surf board propped up in a corner of the room, but what really caught his attention was a collection of framed photographs on top of an oak dresser.

Edward walked over to the dresser to take a closer look at the photographs. The first was of Emmett's parents on a beach, both of them sporting impressive sunburns, and grinning widely. The next was of Emmett and a pretty, blonde girl and seemed to have been taken at some sort of a school dance.

"That was taken after we won the first game I ever played for the school's team," Emmett said proudly, pointing to a third picture that showed a grinning Emmett in a muddied, red and white football uniform.

Edward turned to the last photograph. It was of Emmett and three girls.

"Are those your friends?" he asked.

"Yeah, that's my girlfriend Rosalie," Emmett said, pointing to the blonde girl that Edward recognised from the second picture. She was standing on one side of Emmett. "Those are my other two best friends," he said. On his other side was a black haired girl, with bright blue eyes. She seemed very small, especially in comparison to Emmett, and was waving at the camera. The third girl Emmett had lifted piggy-back style, and she was clutching at his shoulders. Her long, wavy hair obscured most of her face. Edward could just make out that she was laughing.

"You've known them for a long time?"

Emmett nodded, "Since we were little 'uns. They're great; you'll meet them at school. Sit with us at lunch. My ma makes us sandwiches every day and the girls take turns bringing dessert. I'll let everyone know that we have a fifth mouth to feed from now on."

Edward smiled, "Thanks." He was glad to have already made a friend, with the prospect of gaining more by association. Edward had remained largely friendless in Forks. He had trouble approaching people, but Emmett seemed social enough for the both of them.

"So what are your plans for the last week of summer?"

Emmett groaned, "Don't say that word!"

"What word?"

"Last week of summer." Emmett sounded like he was about to cry.

"That's several words."

"Doesn't matter; still makes me want to cut myself." Emmett pointed towards the photograph of his friends, "We're heading to the coast the day after tomorrow. Catch some surf. We come back the day before school starts."

"Cool." Edward was slightly disappointed. He had been hoping that Emmett could show him the area.

_Pull yourself together, Cullen. You don't have to latch on to the first person that takes an interest in you. Show some fucking back-bone. This will be a good thing…I think._

xxx

It was long past midnight when Edward finally escorted his cheerfully inebriated father across the road, back to their own house. He suspected the only reason he and Emmett were able to persuade Carlisle and Howard to part was that Mrs. McCarty had fallen asleep at the dinner table.

Edward helped Carlisle up the stairs and into his bedroom. He then proceeded to take off his father's shoes.

"What are you _doing_, son?"

"Putting you to bed."

"But I am the Captain of the ship!" Carlisle shouted, but as Edward finally managed to untie the second shoe and pull it off his father's foot his face took on a jovial expression.

"Thank you," Carlisle managed to say, before promptly falling asleep.

Edward was dog tired as he trudged towards his own room. He shut his door, attempted to avoid the boxes that were stacked in every available space and managed to collapse on his bed, before promptly falling asleep, too.

xxx


	2. Tiki Bars and Oliver

**A/N: **Thank you to everyone who reviewed, favourited (?) and put this on story alerts. It gives me a huge boost to know that people actually want to read this. I have been having trouble replying to reviews, but I will do that as soon as the problem is fixed.

I wanted to address a couple of things:

1. I am not S. Meyer. I just like to play around with her characters.

2. If you have not yet set the text format to the 1/2 setting, it would be a good idea to do so. The options bar can be found at the top of this page. It will make a big difference to your reading experience of all the fics on ff.

3. It is not completely necessary for you to listen to all the music mentioned in this story; however, it can't hurt.

Thanks for reading!

xxx

**Chapter 2. Tiki Bars and Oliver**

On his second day in Ashland Edward awoke to another beautifully sunny day. He could see the bright light filtering through the trees that stood in the backyard. Even on the rare occasions that the sun had decided to make an appearance in Forks, it hadn't looked like this; hadn't been as warm and uplifting.

Edward decided that he could really get to like Ashland.

After changing out of the clothes that he had fallen asleep in the previous night, and brushing his teeth, he headed downstairs. Carlisle was an early riser.

He found his father standing next to the sink in the kitchen, drinking what appeared to be tap water. Edward shuddered at the thought.

Carlisle noticed his grimace. "We don't even have coffee," he said miserably. Then he grimaced too, and rubbed his temples.

This amused Edward to no end. "Hangover?"

His father nodded, "The mother of them all. Guess it just goes to show, I'm not twenty anymore."

"You are, however, the boss – so, congratulations!"

"Could you please not shout? For one, it hurts my head. And secondly, what on earth are you talking about?"

Edward smirked. "You had a rather interesting moment last night where you declared yourself the 'Captain of the Ship'. Anything I should know about?"

Carlisle groaned, "Demetri."

"Um, the name's Edward, Dad."

His father covered his face with his hands and shook his head. "When I was in high school I got very drunk at my friend Demetri's birthday party. The long and short of it is that he dared me to strip my clothes off and jump into his pool from the roof of his parent's tiki bar. 'I am the Captain of the ship' is what I shouted right before I jumped."

"You shouted 'I am the Captain of the ship' as you jumped in a guy's pool? Naked?"

Carlisle nodded.

"Who'd have thought? My father is a legend!" Edward stated loudly and gleefully, before offering to high five his father.

Carlisle just hung his head in shame. Then he realised what an example he was setting for his son. "Underage drinking is a bad thing," he said in his best serious voice.

"By the look of you, it's not all that great when it's legal either. So, apart from recovering, what's the plan for today?"

Carlisle looked up. "Well, first of all we need to get breakfast. And coffee. Then we should head to a store for more coffee and other things we need to survive. You know, candy bars, feminine hygiene products, that sort of thing. After that we need to get on with unpacking. I want to at least have made a start on the library before I have my first day at work on Monday."

"Ok, I'll make a grocery list. You want low-fat yoghurt to go with those hygiene products?"

xxx

"It's my turn to pick the music," Carlisle said as he and Edward took their seats in the Volvo. He put a CD in the stereo and selected the track he wanted to listen as he pulled out of his spot in front of the garage.

_'…Saturday's boys live life with insults,  
Drink lots of beer and wait for half time results,  
Afternoon tea in the light-a-bite_

_Chat up the girls - they dig it!...'_

"The Jam." Edward nodded approvingly. "You've already asserted your 'Cool Dad' status twice today, and it's barely nine o'clock."

Carlisle's face looked smug underneath the black sunglasses he had put on to shield his eyes from "the evil, headachy sunlight".

Edward glanced down at the shopping list he had compiled. Right at the top his father had added 'More Aspirin!' in an elegant script. This made an identically smug expression appear on Edward's face.

_'…Save up their money for a holiday,  
To Selsey Bill or Bracklesham Bay,  
Think about the future - when they'll settle down,  
Marry the girl next door - with one on the way…'_

Carlisle turned down the volume of the CD. "So, I just remembered, I spoke to Howard last night. He said he knows a guy who's selling a car at the moment."

"Why? What's wrong with Gramps?"

Carlisle looked confused, so Edward motioned around the inside of the car.

Carlisle playfully hit his son's arm.

"Hey!" Edward yelped in mock pain, "You just hit a minor! I can still call the helpline you know."

"Though shalt not make fun of the Volvo! Anyway, _I_ don't need a new car, but I was thinking about buying one for you. I mean you've had your licence for almost two years now, but in Forks you always took the school bus…I don't know, I just feel like you could have more freedom if you had your own car."

Edward thought about it. Having a car of his own would be useful. He would probably need it if he made friends in Ashland other than the guy who lived across the street.

"Anyway, Howard gave me the address. We could drop by there after we've picked up the groceries, if you'd like. Just to have a look, you know."

"Yeah, that sounds like a good idea."

xxx

Breakfast and grocery shopping had been uneventful. They had parked in the historical district of Ashland and, apart from the occasional female stare that Carlisle's chiselled cheekbones garnered, it had been a pleasant morning.

Carlisle was now manoeuvring the Volvo through the southern part of Ashland. It wasn't all that different from the north of the town, where they lived, apart from the fact that there were fewer cars on the roads.

They pulled up to a small brick bungalow. A large, faded red truck was parked in front of the garage. It didn't look particularly roadworthy to Edward. When they knocked on the front door it was opened by a boy who seemed to be around Edward's age.

"Good morning. Can I help you?" The boy had tanned skin and long black hair. Edwards supposed him to be of Native American descent. His physique could have rivalled Emmett's.

"Yes, I'm Carlisle Cullen, this is my son Edward. We're neighbours of the McCarties and they told us that you were selling a truck. We were wondering whether we could have a look at it."

_Wait. Did he just say 'truck'? He couldn't possibly mean…_

"Oh ok, it's that one there," the boy pointed towards the truck-shaped antique.

_Ok. He _is _serious._

"Let me just get my dad. I've been using the truck, but it's technically his car." The boy ran into the house, and returned a moment later pushing a man in a wheelchair. The man smiled at Carlisle and Edward.

"Hey, I'm Billy Black. My boy Jacob here, you've already met." The resemblance between Billy and Jacob Black was staggering. Jacob had obviously inherited his good looks and build from his father. Edward felt sad for the strong looking man, and whatever occurred to bind him to this wheelchair.

"So, you've come to look at the truck."

Edward and Jacob sat down on the front lawn to watch their fathers talk _car_. It was a language Edward was fairly unfamiliar with. All he really wanted was a vehicle that would get him from A to B without any major accidents. He didn't know if the red monster had it in it, though he had to admit that it looked pretty cool upon closer inspection. He could see himself driving it.

_Maybe with a cowboy hat._

"Doesn't look all that reliable does it?" Jacob asked Edward. "Don't worry, in all the time my Dad's had it never had any serious issues. Anything that might go wrong with it you can pretty much just fix with a hammer."

The two boys grinned.

"You're new here right?"

Edward nodded. "Yeah, I start my senior year at the high school next week. Do you go there?"

Jacob shook his head. "No. I mean I used to, but…I'm home schooled now. It's just easier with my Dad not exactly being very mobile and all."

Carlisle came over, looked at the truck and then at Edward. "So, what do you think?"

_It probably won't be as bad as you think it will be._

xxx

"Ok, I'll sort all the paper work out and then you can come and pick it up tomorrow." Billy held out his hand, which both Carlisle and Edward shook.

"Thanks, Billy. We'll see you tomorrow." Carlisle said and turned to walk back to his Volvo. Edward waved goodbye to the Blacks and then followed his father.

After a minute of comfortable silence Edward said, "Thank you, Dad. I'm actually pretty excited to be getting my own car."

Carlisle smiled at him, "No problem. To be honest, I'd rather you drive that thing than my Volvo."

"Hey! I'm a very responsible driver."

"Oh, I know. But you're also a seventeen year old boy. My trust in your driving skills can only go so far before a healthy dose of common sense kicks in." Carlisle laughed at Edward's sour facial expression. Then he laughed even harder and pointed towards the right-hand side of the road, "Look at that guy."

Edward saw a Border Collie make a run for it out of the front door of a nice looking home. It didn't get further than the white picket fence that enclosed the front yard. A man, who seemed to be about Carlisle's age and was rocking a badass moustache, came running after the dog.

"Mary! If you chew my glasses one more time, you're sleeping outside! Don't forget that I am immune to those big, innocent eyes!"

Edward noticed a police cruiser parked in the drive way of the house.

As they drove past the house Carlisle made a little head movement back towards the direction of the man. "That must be the Chief of Police. Billy told me he lives on this street. His daughter is good friends with Jacob."

xxx

"Hey guys!"

Edward and Carlisle were getting out of the car and turned around to see the two hulking forms of Howard and Emmett McCarty striding across the street.

"Hey." Edward replied.

Emmett walked up to him and elbowed his ribs.

_Boy does not know his own strength – he means no harm_, Edward tried to tell himself.

"Has your Dad recovered yet? Because mine is still whining like a little girl…"

Carlisle joined in the laughter.

"So, my ma made us come over here to help you do stuff that requires testosterone. You know, lift things and build shit."

"Are you sure your Dad is up to that?" Carlisle seemed slightly concerned.

Howard nodded, but still did not seem able to speak. Edward suspected that this was how his wife had got him to come over here. _He wasn't physically able to refuse her._

His father agreed, "Actually some help would be great. I'd like to get the kitchen and living room in a liveable condition by this evening. It shouldn't be too bad," he said reassuringly to Howard, before pointing at himself and Edward. "I mean, we're guys, our standards are pretty low."

"Alright!" Emmett cheered. "Let's sweat!"

xxx

"Ok, so today we can make a start on the library. I think we should think about how we are going to organise the collection – obviously alphabetical is completely out of the question…"

It was Sunday morning and Carlisle had been fed and coffee-d. He seemed rather upbeat.

Edward had a quick breakfast and they went into the room they would use as a library at the back of the house. They set up a portable CD player and cued a song from the CD they had already been listening to yesterday. Then they stretched and surveyed the work to be done.

_'…That's entertainment, that's entertainment…'_

The house in Forks had an actual library, but the consequence of downsizing in Ashland meant that the Cullen's were giving up that particular luxury. There was a large room at the back of the house that led out into the garden. This room had been used as a living room by the previous owners, but the Cullens would now turn it into a library. The living room was now in a smaller room that had once been the dining area.

Their new book room was airy, with big French windows. They had already set up the shelving with the moving men on the day they moved in, so Carlisle and Edward were immersed in discussing how their books should be organised and where to place the small, round dining table Carlisle had insisted on purchasing. "Just in case anyone decides to brave our cooking," he had said.

There were three other objects that would find a home in this room. An armchair, a small, comfortable couch, and Edward's keyboard.

Edward had been taught to play the piano by his aunt Tanya. When he and his father moved to Forks, she had given him a keyboard. Since then Carlisle had offered to also buy him the real thing, but Edward had politely declined. He loved his keyboard. It had been a gift from the closest thing he had ever known to a mother. In Forks, it had also been a reminder of less lonely times.

_'…Waking up at 6 a.m. on a cool warm morning  
Opening the windows and breathing in petrol…'_

Carlisle and Edward sat down on the floor and began to open the boxes that had been housing some of their most prized possessions.

xxx

Billy handed the car keys to Edward, "Ok, I guess that's it. The truck is yours."

Carlisle and Edward thanked Billy and shook his hand.

Jake grinned. "He's even thrown in the hammer." Then he awkwardly shuffled his feet and turned to Edward. "So, I don't know if you know this, but there's pretty good hiking around this area. Are you interested in that sort of thing?"

Edward looked at Jake. He understood that Jake was offering his friendship. That he probably felt somewhat lonely without the social interaction of school. Edward felt that Jake was worth getting to know better.

"Yeah. Would you like to go for a hike before school starts on Thursday?"

Jake laughed, "Sorry, I start tomorrow and the first week after summer break is always bad. Dad will be a tyrant; he thinks he needs to assert his authority. Maybe next weekend?"

They agreed to meet up on Saturday and then Edward and Carlisle said goodbye to Billy and Jake. Edward made his way over to the truck, hoping his apprehension didn't show.

However, as he sat down on the worn, vinyl bench, and stroked the old steering wheel, getting used to the feel of it, he realised that he loved this car. The cab smelt wonderful. Potently so. The scent was woody and rich, with a hint of something pleasantly sweet, fresh flowers perhaps. There was definitely a trace of _girl_ mingled in the scent. Edward desperately tried not to think of the things that may have transpired, between Jake and the anonymous owner of the smell, in this truck. _On these seats. _

"Poor Oliver." Edward muttered. _Wait a second. Did I just call the car Oliver?_

Edward had to admit that the name suited the truck, but then wondered whether it was ok for a guy to name his car. Whether it was ok for anyone to name their car.

"Whatever, I think it's ok. It'll just be our little secret Oliver."

_A guy talking to his car on the other hand – not ok._

Edward turned on the radio, the only truly modern addition that had been made to the truck, and smiled at the song that came on. He waved at the Blacks and began to follow Carlisle's Volvo home.

_Home?_, Edward thought.

_'…'Cause time is short and life is cruel  
But it's up to us to change  
This town called malice…'_

Edward drove back to their house, through sunny streets and tree-lined avenues, always accompanied by the loud, slightly disconcerting, rumbling of his newly acquired vehicle. He knew that Ashland was growing on him.

xxx

**A/N: **This chapter basically set up a few things that needed to be in place before E meets B. That's going to be in the next chapter...


	3. Asexual Ceilings and Cowry Necklaces

**A/N: **I have put up the playlist for this story on my profile, if anyone is interested.

xxx

**Chapter 3. Asexual Ceilings and Cowry-Shell Necklaces**

At ten o'clock on Monday morning Carlisle was a nervous wreck. He had already had three cups of coffee, which probably wasn't helping the shaking and cold sweats he was experiencing.

"Dad, I don't know what you're worried about."

Carlisle turned to him, "I'm starting at a new place today. What if they don't like me?"

Edward rolled his eyes, "Dad - you're funny, you're a good doctor, and you have really pretty hair. You also have a habit of buying everyone coffee. You'll be the most popular guy on the surgical ward in no time and hence on the entire medical staff. I mean, let's face it – surgeons are much cooler than radiologists or anaesthesiologists."

"I don't know, cardiologists can be kind of sexy. And diagnosticians have been getting really big heads since _House_. No one can compete with Hugh Laurie."

"Oh please, soon you'll have the ladies of Ashland trying to take each other out with their estate cars on purpose, just so they can come and get stitched up by you."

Carlisle grinned, "Well, I can't argue with that."

Edward was going to call his father out on being a smug son of a gun, but then thought better of it. He'd rather see Carlisle be his usual cocky self than a fretting bundle of nerves.

Carlisle looked up at the ceiling, one side of his mouth drawing up into a lopsided smirk. Edward had inherited his father's crooked grin, but he wasn't self-satisfied enough to use it often.

"Stop smiling at the ceiling. It's creeping me out Dad."

"Yes, I know. But, I was just telling myself that there's no need to be nervous. I am, after all, a complete stud muffin."

"Did the ceiling agree?"

"Ceilings are asexual, so it just wished me good luck."

xxx

Carlisle returned from his first eighteen hour shift at Ashland Community Hospital, early the next day, with a tired but happy smile on his face.

He also returned with an invitation to the surgical team's 'Guy's Night', and two female patients' phone numbers, that he would never use.

"I would have felt bad if I hadn't taken them."

"But now you're going to make them feel bad if you don't call them."

Carlisle looked worried. "You're right. What if they come back in when something else is wrong? That would be really awkward."

"Maybe you should take them on a date and then tell them that you really enjoyed their company but what with your busy schedule and syphilis you just don't think you could continue seeing them."

His father nodded, "Yeah that could work."

"Although, that might break their little hearts; I think you should just marry them. That way, everybody's happy."

"Yeah, but I don't know if I could take both of them yakking away at me for leaving my socks lying around." Carlisle smiled fondly at his son, "You're much easier to live with. Also, I think bigamy might be somewhat illegal."

After Carlisle went to his room to sleep, Edward spent the rest of Tuesday morning in the library. He was attempting to read some old favourites of his, but his keyboard kept calling to him. He hadn't practiced since they had moved from Forks the previous week and it frustrated him. He wasn't perfect, another point of frustration, but he loved to play. It loosened an ache within him that he didn't know was there until the music smoothed it away. However, the new house not being as big as the one they had previously been living in, Edward held off playing until his father was awake again. He did not want to interrupt his well-earned rest.

So, after Carlisle awoke in the afternoon, he found his son on the soft, stripy couch in the library. Edward was pretending to be immersed in a piece of historic fiction set during the Napoleonic Wars, but Carlisle knew his son well. He understood what his son's twitching fingers were giving away.

"Just do it, Edward."

"I wouldn't even know what to play, Dad."

"I can think of at least one song…"

Edward rolled his eyes, but a slight smile crept upon his lips as he snapped the book shut and walked over to his keyboard, preparing to play a piano version of a Bishop Allen song about a piano. Edward had had to learn to play it by ear, and Carlisle was proud that he had been able to pull it off.

When Edward sang the line _'… snap the sucker in two…'_ Carlisle cheered, as Edward knew he would. They had been doing this for over two years and had yet to get tired of it.

After his son had finished the song, Carlisle ventured into the kitchen to find something to eat. Edward continued to play on the keyboard, but he wasn't really concentrating. He played snippets, a little Liszt here, some Tchaikovsky there, even Ben Folds managed to work his way into Edward's impromptu medley.

xxx

Edward was bored. It was Wednesday, the last day of summer before school started and he decided to explore the centre of Ashland. He had seen a couple of promising looking book and music stores dotted around.

Emmett would be returning in the afternoon, and he had already asked to hang out in the afternoon. In fact, it wasn't so much a request as a threat of physical violence if Edward did not agree to come over for a round of Wii.

_Although a round of Wii with Emmett may well turn into actual physical violence._

As Edward headed into town he turned on Oliver's radio and found a station that was playing a Beach Boys song which he knew would be stuck in his head for the rest of the day.

'…_Whether whistling heaven's clouds disappear  
Where the wind withers memory  
Whether whiteness whisks soft shadows away  
Feel flows (White hot glistening shadowy flows)  
Feel goes (Black hot glistening shadowy flows)…'_

He parked in a spot directly in front of a cafe and headed in. Ashland was no metropolis, but at least it had a larger variety of places for the Cullens to get their caffeine fix.

Both Carlisle and Edward worshipped at the altar of black coffee, and Forks had only been able to provide them with a Starbucks. Carlisle had often sulkily referred to their offerings as 'Crappuccinos', so Edward was pleased to see that in Ashland they would not have to be slaves to the green and white Twin-Tailed Siren of Mediocrity. He decided to celebrate by adding a splash of milk to his paper cup and smiled at the visual.

_'…__White hot glistening shadowy flows  
Black hot glistening shadowy flows…'_

Steaming cup of goodness in hand, Edward strolled towards the Ashland Food co-op, to pick up the various healthy produce Carlisle insisted upon filling the refrigerator with.

To make up for being so virtuous, Edward also walked to the nearby grocery store and bought a box of Lucky Charms. He hadn't had them since he was a little kid, but had read on the internet that they had been banned abroad because a child had exploded in a magical shower of E numbers after eating three boxes in a row.

Not entirely convinced, but nevertheless intrigued, by such a story, Edward checked the ingredients list on the box for combustibles as he left the store.

And walked directly into an unwitting pedestrian.

He had just enough presence of mind to drop the box of sugar-coated oat pieces and wrap his arms around the poor girl, to stop her otherwise inevitable encounter with the sidewalk.

"I'm so sorry; I didn't look where I was going. Are you ok?" he frantically asked the girl.

She looked up at him with a sympathetic but resigned expression. "Don't worry about it. If I don't fall over of my own accord, God always feels like lending a helping hand through other people."

Edward looked down to the supposedly clumsy legs and determined that they were very long and flawlessly pale. He also noticed her sneakers. They were the white leather kind, with blue laces. _How retro_, he thought.

Edward looked back up as she shook her head and noted her appearance properly. She was beautiful. Her dark hair curled softly around her pale face. She had fine eyebrows and powdery, pale-pink lips, the upper of which was just slightly too full to be in proportion. A faint blush covered her cheeks and her eyes were the most beautiful brown Edward had ever seen. Until that moment he hadn't even realised that brown could be beautiful, but this brown _was_. It was rich and inviting, and framed by thick, dark lashes.

But her appearance wasn't the only noteworthy detail about this girl. Edward's olfactory senses were being seduced by her scent. She smelt like a woodcutter's cabin, of leather and dried tobacco and a forest full of leafy trees and wildflower meadows.

She smelt a little like Oliver, he noted with surprise.

Realising that the girl must be growing uncomfortable under his assessment, Edward righted her and took a step backwards, though everything about her invited him further in.

He felt one side of his mouth move upwards, "Well then I am sorry I was an instrument in God's shady plan to make you intimately acquainted with the pavement."

The girl looked like she had perhaps gone into her own world, and Edward suddenly felt stupid. Clearly he was not as interesting to this girl, as she was to him.

"Well, I'm sorry. I'll try to look where I walk next time."

He began to walk away, but heard the girl call after him. "Wait, you forgot your cereal."

_Great, now she thinks I'm five._

Embarrassed, Edward turned around and walked back towards her.

She held out the box of Lucky Charms. He reached out for it and took it, but as her hand moved back towards her body, it softly brushed against his fingers. As it did so, Edward felt a strange current travelling up through his arm. The girl must have felt it too, because she quickly wrapped her other hand around her own fingers and muttered 'Static', as if to herself.

But Edward knew better. He could compare the sensation he had just felt to only one previous experience.

When Edward had been fifteen he had accidentally got his fingers caught in the way between the plug of his stereo and an electrical socket; he had been trying to rearrange his room for optimum acoustics. He had felt the same current as the one that had run up his arm when he had touched the girl's hand. The tiny prick of electricity that was the result of the release of an electrical charge was nothing in comparison. What Edward had felt was a wave of energy rolling up the length of his arm, to his neck and head, making his whole person feel alive with electricity.

'…_Feel flows_

_Feels goes…'_

"Well, goodbye." she said, and he silently watched her walk away.

…_a moment's ornament…_

As Edward walked back to his car, it started to rain. It wasn't the cold, misty blanket of wet that seemed to have permanently hung over Forks. These were actual rain drops. They were heavy and warm and made the air smell musky, but sweet too.

…_breathing thoughtful breath…_

Edward didn't notice the rain or the smell. He walked back to his car in a daze. If someone had asked him later on how he got home, he would not have been able to answer. As soon as he entered the house he walked to the library, leaving a trail of dirty footprints in his wake.

…_to haunt, to startle…_

Fragments of a poem he had not read for while had been dominating his thoughts since the incident outside the grocery store. He skimmed the book spines, desperately searching for the needed title. Finally he pulled out a well-read _Collected Poems_ paperback. He searched through the index, hastily flipped to page 217 and began to read.

_She was a phantom of delight  
When first she gleamed upon my sight;  
A lovely Apparition, sent  
To be a moment's ornament;  
Her eyes as stars of Twilight fair;  
Like Twilight's, too, her dusky hair;  
But all things else about her drawn  
From May-time and the cheerful Dawn;  
A dancing Shape, an Image gay,  
To haunt, to startle, and way-lay._

_I saw her upon a nearer view,  
A Spirit, yet a Woman too!  
Her household motions light and free,  
And steps of virgin liberty;  
A countenance in which did meet  
Sweet records, promises as sweet;  
A Creature not too bright or good  
For human nature's daily food;  
For transient sorrows, simple wiles,  
Praise, blame, love, kisses, tears and smiles._

_And now I see with eye serene  
The very pulse of the machine;  
A Being breathing thoughtful breath,  
A Traveler between life and death;  
The reason firm, the temperate will,  
Endurance, foresight, strength, and skill;  
A perfect Woman, nobly planned,  
To warm, to comfort, and command;  
And yet a Spirit still, and bright,  
With something of angelic light._

Edward sat down on the floor, leaning back against the bookshelves and closing his eyes. He was assaulted by mental images of rose petal lips, mahogany hair, creamy white skin and the biggest, roundest, deepest, sweetest pools of chocolate he had ever seen.

_Get a grip Edward_, he told himself, _you don't know this girl, don't even know her name. For all you know you might never see her again._

_She might be at school tomorrow, _his traitorous heart hoped.

xxx

"Dude, what's up with you today? You didn't suck this much when we played on Friday…"

Edward grimly looked at the offensive, white controller hanging off his right wrist.

"Sorry Em, I just seem to have had a really short attention span lately."

_Not a total lie._

"Ok, well we can take a break for a while. My ma made pie, I'll bring some up."

Once Emmett had left the room Edward slumped down on the bed. He looked over to the oak dresser and noticed that a band of some sort had been draped over one of the framed photographs. Edward stood up to inspect it more closely, and laughed when he saw that it was a leather cowry-shell necklace.

_That explains the strange tan line around his neck._

It had been slung over the picture of Emmett and his friends. Edward looked at the picture once again, and his stomach lurched in an unusual manner. He had noticed something new about the photograph. A detail that he had not observed before, but that did not elude him now.

The girl Emmett had lifted onto his back was wearing shorts. Shorts that exposed long expanses of slender legs adorned by old-school, white leather sneakers with blue laces.

xxx

**A/N:** 'She Was a Phantom of Delight' was written by Wordsworth.

The 'magical shower of E numbers' line has been bouncing around the internet.

I just wanted to thank the people that reviewed the last chapter and to ask everyone that read this to drop a comment, too. I would even be happy about criticism :)

Thank you for reading!


	4. Tax Haven Hair and Dessert Nazis

**A/N:** So this update took a little longer than I thought it would. Have I let the side down?

I do not own Twilight. Has the side let me down?

xxx

**Chapter 4. Tax Haven Hair and Dessert Nazis**

When Edward got out of his shower that Thursday morning, he towelled off but did not put on his clothes straight away. Instead he wiped a section of his fogged up mirror off and stared at his own reflection. Long and hard.

He had slept fitfully, dozing off and then waking up repeatedly when a pale and serious face appeared clearly in his mind.

A particularly upbeat tune came on the radio. Edward could hear it playing in his room through the open bathroom door.

'…_You went to school to learn, girl  
Things you never, never knew before...  
Like I before E except after C...  
And why 2 plus 2 makes four…'_

_Jackson 5_, Edward thought grimly, _just when I want to wallow in a particularly glum mood. Of course…_

As he looked at his reflection he imagined what he would look like standing next to _her_. Waiting in line at a coffee shop. Or having his arm draped over the back of her seat at the movies.

Edward had inherited Carlisle's physique and facial features, along with his mother's colouring. Bright green eyes and hair the colour of…well, Edward was not really sure what his hair colour was called. Depending on the light it could be a soft brown or dark auburn, but it was really a combination thereof.

It was like his hair was Switzerland; unwilling to take a side.

Although, no one had taken residence in Edward's hair for tax purposes, yet.

He wondered what the girl had made of his appearance. Did she find him attractive? Would she even want to go to get coffee with him? Or to the movies?

Edward turned away from the mirror, rather disgusted with himself.

For all he knew, the girl could be dim-witted or have a lousy character, and yet there he was, losing sleep over her. Because of the way she looked. And smelt. His heart was telling Edward that she had seemed funny. And kind.

_There goes that traitorous heart again._

He had never had to rely on his looks before; had never cared for anyone who did. He did not wish to start now, but he met her by losing concentration over a box of kid's cereal. He _wanted _for at least his appearance to have left her with a good impression.

Because, he had felt an undeniable attraction towards her. Before knowing anything of relevance about her.

And it made him feel guilty as sin.

'…_Reading, writing and arithmetic  
Are the branches of the learning tree…'_

Edward shook his head and ran a hand through his hair. Then he walked into his room to get dressed. As he pulled on his shoes he remembered the blue-laced sneakers he had noticed in Emmett's photograph the previous evening. _Could be a coincidence._

Carlisle was waiting for him in the kitchen. He'd made coffee. And breakfast. Toast and eggs.

Edward grinned. "Special day?"

Carlisle grinned right back. "First day of senior year; at a new school…My baby's growing up so fast."

Rather than gracing his father with an answer, Edward scooped a forkful of egg into his mouth.

"So are you taking the truck?"

"No, Emmett and I have agreed that we'll alternate cars. Today I'm catching a ride with him and tomorrow we're taking the truck. On days that he has football practice after school, we'll ride separately."

"Maybe you should get involved in a sport, too. It could be good for you."

Edward grimaced. "The uniforms here would clash so badly with my hair."

Carlisle rolled his eyes. "Ok, but what about another extracurricular activity? I know you had a few in Forks, but it's important for college. Life ambition and all that."

"Life ambition? Like the one where I want to have a beard when I grow up?"

"What are the chances? That's my life ambition too!"

"I don't know if you could handle it, Dad. You really have to be cut out for that sort of responsibility."

Carlisle looked defeated. "Looks like I'll just have to settle for saving lives all day long," he grumbled.

"Anyway, we'll see about the extracurriculars. I want to get settled first."

"Ok, well just make sure you don't wait too long. Otherwise everything will be full and you're stuck playing Tony in an amateur recital of _West Side Story_ or something."

"If I got that part you should be proud of me. Tony is the male lead."

"It's so sad that you know that, son."

xxx

"So, we're here half an hour early as per your request. Still strikes me as a waste of perfectly good last-minute vacay-time. Are you nervous?" Emmett asked as he parked his jeep in the student lot. He seemed genuinely concerned.

"A little," Edward admitted as he climbed out of the Jeep and slung his backpack over his shoulder.

"Don't worry little man; I'm here to protect you from the big, bad wolves," Emmett said flexing his muscles.

"The students?"

"No, the teachers; vicious little bastards they are."

Emmett was about to turn towards the school building, which was a large red-brick construction with big windows and surrounded by neatly landscaped grounds, when a red convertible pulled into an empty spot in front of them. Suddenly he turned fidgety, and a wide smile spread across his face as he walked towards the convertible.

"Rosie!" Emmett seemed elated.

A blonde girl in a red and white cheerleading uniform got out of the car. Edward could tell that the photographs had not done her justice. As Emmett sweetly put one arm around her shoulders, he realised that this was a meeting of two physically perfect specimens of the human race.

_Like Brangelina or something. …Emmosalie?...Remmett? Remmett. Has a ring to it…_

"Emmett," she smiled up at him, "your dulcet tones were just what I wanted to hear this morning." Rosalie turned towards Edward and smiled at him, too. "So you must be Edward. It's nice to finally meet you; Emmett hasn't stopped talking about you since the weekend."

"Rose…" Emmett blushed, which looked odd but also endearing with his large stature. "Um…where's Bellie?" he asked, seemingly to change the subject.

Rosalie's eyes searched the parking lot. "She's already here," she said, pointing to an old Daihatsu off-roader, "Apparently, Alice had a feeling that they'd both have Mr. Masen first thing this year, so she wanted to get here really early to grab a suitable seat."

Emmett pouted. "How could she do this to me? She knows that I can't start the school year without her. She's my Bellie Jelly."

"Your Bellie Jelly?"

"Yeah. The jelly to my peanut butter. The Ginger to my Fred. The I to my pod."

Rosalie rolled her eyes, then turned to Edward, "Will you be ok, or would you like us to show you where the office is?"

_It's ok Edward. You're a big boy._

"Don't worry about it. Just point me in the right direction and I'm sure I'll manage."

"Just go through the main entrance. The office is on your left when you get in, you can't miss it," Emmett said.

Edward raised his hand, too apprehensive for an actual wave, and walked towards the school. Even though Ashland High School was about three times the size of his old school in Forks, Edward still received a few curious looks from some of the older students. It made him feel self-conscious, and he pulled out his Ipod to distract himself.

He found the office quickly and left again a couple of minutes later, putting his head phones on. He had gone through a few formalities and was now clutching a few sheets of paper, schedules and maps, as if they held the key to the male equivalent of girl power. He consulted the timetable and began to walk.

_'_…_Pressure pushing down on me  
Pressing down on you no man ask for…'_

His Ipod was playing merrily as Edward crossed the quad towards the English department. He found room EN8 very quickly, but as he pushed the door open he was distracted by the only person in the room.

Specifically, by a mop of soft, brown waves and long, pale limbs.

As Edward tried to walk into the room casually, attempting not to pay attention to the girl in the second row, he tripped and stumbled rather ungracefully. He looked back to distinguish the inanimate culprit, but there was nothing.

Edward's foot had just caught on thin air.

_Fucking figures…_

He looked up embarrassed, and realised that the girl in front of him _was_ the girl from the grocery store. He could hear the whooshing sounds that his pounding heart caused his blood to produce in his ears. He felt sick and excited at the same time. Sick from excitement.

The girl wasn't looking at him, she seemed to be drawing in a black sketch book. However, his small hopes that he she hadn't seen him make an ass of himself vanished when he saw the tiny smile gracing her lips.

_'…__'Cause love's such an old fashioned word  
And love dares you to care for  
The people on the edge of the ni-'_

Edward quickly pulled off his headphones and stowed the Ipod away in his pocket.

He then wondered where to sit.

_Next to her, _Edward shook his head slightly. _No. Could you be anymore fucking obvious, you gimp? She might not even remember you._

He settled on the seat diagonally in front of her, hoping she'd recognise him and strike up a conversation. He had just pulled the chair out from beneath the small desk, when his prayers were answered.

"Wouldn't sit there if I were you," she said in a quiet, casual voice without looking up at him.

"Why not?" Edward asked.

"Front and centre - not a good place to be in Mr Masen's class. It's like his salivary glands zone in on you. Amazing but true." She was still sketching in her notebook.

Edward desperately wanted to take a look at what she was drawing, but he didn't want to pry. He also took in what she was wearing and thought he'd died and gone to heaven. Her legs were sheathed in a pair of faded, loose jeans, and her top looked like a man's t-shirt she had relieved of its sleeves. She was also wearing white sneakers and Edward could see blue laces peeking out from underneath the jeans.

There was no longer any doubt that this was the same girl Emmett was friends with.

What really caught his eye, though, was the bright red bra that was blatantly visible at the side of the white top, the arm holes clearly too big to be decent. Edward had a hard time recalling what she had just said.

"You know this from personal experience?" he managed.

The girl finally looked up at him. One corner of her mouth twitched, but her eyes remained impassive. "No, but the stories are legendary. Poor kid that comes in last on the first day and is stuck with that seat spends the rest of the year looking like they lost a bet. Hard."

"Is that why you're here so early?"

The girl started sketching again, "Yes, I'm not so keen on a spittle shower every morning."

Edward, who had still been standing next to the slobber chair, happily decided on the one behind it, directly to the left of the brown haired girl. "So I'm guessing Mr Masen isn't the most popular teacher around here?" he asked as he sat down.

The girl shook her head, "No, actually he's a really good teacher. Funny, too." She looked up at him, leaned towards him slightly and suddenly her eyes took on a conspiratorial glint, "Maybe, he does it on purpose. Maybe, he gets a kick out of playing musical chairs with saliva."

"Are you messing with me?"

The glint in the girl's eyes disappeared as quickly as it had come and Edward was sad to see it go. "No," she said as she leaned back.

_Way to go, Edward._, he thought to himself, _You haven't stopped thinking about this girl since you saw her, she speaks to you of her own accord and you disappoint her. Very graceful…try and make it right._

"Um, I'm Edward, by the way."

The girl looked up at him, and blessed him with a small smile. "Nice to meet you Edward."

For some reason she wasn't going to offer her own name, yet. Dejectedly, Edward pulled out his notebook and some pens and set them on his desk. He considered pulling out his Ipod again, seeing as there were still fifteen minutes to go before the beginning of the lesson, but he thought better of it. It would seem rude and cut off any other conversation the unnamed girl next to him might initiate.

Unlikely though it seemed, he appeared to have piqued her interest.

"So, are you the same Edward my friend Emmett seems to have a little boy crush on?"

Edward nodded and nervously ran a hand through his hair, "I don't know about the boy crush thing, though."

The girl smirked. "Why did you move here?"

"My father felt it was time for a change. The weather where we used to live can be somewhat dreary and he can get a little cranky without his Vitamin D fix, so we decided to move somewhere…else." _That was probably too much information_, Edward thought, _she's probably just asking to be polite and doesn't need your entire life story, you fool_.

"And what made you chose Ashland?" she asked with an unsure look in her eyes.

Edward smiled at her, "The amazing nightlife."

She laughed. _Fucking laughed._ It wasn't a full on, throaty laugh. It was tinkly and a little reserved, but it was enough.

"Yeah, Ashland is the Red Bull of afterhours entertainment." She frowned, "That makes it sound like a sin pit…like Amsterdam or something."

"This town makes Amsterdam look like the Disney version of a sin pit."

"Yeah, Ashland is downright dionysiac in comparison."

Edward chuckled. The girl turned towards him a little more and an all too innocent expression started to cover her face.

"So…" she began, "how have those Lucky Charms been working for you? Keeping your strength up so you can take on the big city?"

Edward felt his face heat slightly. "Umm…I don't actually eat them, but they seem to be actively flammable, so I was thinking of using them as a greener way to fuel my truck. Saving the world one brightly coloured marshmallow at a time, you know."

_Does it still count as a lie if it's meant to be funny? Although, she's probably not in danger of believing that one…_

The girl looked thoughtful, "Yeah, I suppose everything is possible once you have the Leprechauns on your side…" Then she smiled at Edward and returned to her sketch. "I'm Bella, by the way."

_Bellie. _

Edward was about to reply, but at that moment a tiny black haired girl, dressed in an equally tiny cheerleading uniform burst through the doors. Edward immediately recognised her as the girl in Emmett's photograph.

"Urgh!" Tiny-Black-Haired-Girl stuck her tongue out in distaste and dropped into the seat on the other side of Bella.

"Are we catching snowflakes?" the latter asked in a serious tone, " 'Cause you know that shit's not sanitary."

The black haired girl stared at her incredulously for a moment, then recollected herself and answered, "I just ate an entire pack of Oreos. For breakfast. I need someone to punch me in the gut so I can chuck it all up again."

"Why don't you just stick your fingers down your throat like a good little cheerleader?"

"Because I'm hardcore," the tiny girl rolled her eyes, then assessed Bella's appearance for what seemed like the first time that day. "What the fuck are you wearing?" she asked Bella while eyeing the white top as if encompassed all seven of the deadly sins.

"Clothes.", Bella answered simply.

"What about your uniform?"

"Let me rephrase - clothes that my father will actually let me leave the house in."

At that comment Edward stole another look at the red bra peeking out of the side of her top and concluded that Bella's father must have poor eyesight.

"Jesus Bella! It's the first day of school. You know it's traditional to wear the uniform. What about Rose? She'll shit a circus tent if she sees you in that. I'm not sure you want to start the school year having one of your eyes gouged out with a French tipped nail."

"I don't know. I would get to wear an eye patch. That'd probably be worth the temporary discomfort."

The black haired girl rested her forehead on her elbows. "I don't know how you ever got on the squad." She said it in a way that made Edward assume she asked herself this a lot.

"You bet me fifty bucks that I wouldn't be able to do it," replied Bella with an air of smugness. "I still have the _Green Wing_ Season One box set as the sweet laurels of my success."

"But you're torturing me with your lack of enthusiasm. Why don't you just quit?" The black haired girl was exasperated.

"If it helps – I'm wearing the panties."

Edward groaned inwardly. He did not want to know what both of the pieces of underwear Bella was currently wearing looked like. That bit of information made a private part of Edward's anatomy twitch.

_Shit_, he thought as he shifted his legs, _Not now. Seriously. She'll never speak to me again and Emmett will probably kick my ass. And I'd never make any friends here. I'll be known as The Boner Boy until I graduate. Maybe just Boner Boy – most superhero names seem to consist of three syllables or less. My superpower could be the biblical blood flow to my nether regions. I'll have to build an Arc so I can sail away of a sea of shame and ridicule. All because I overheard a girl, whose name I learned two minutes ago, talk about her underwear._

…_I am such a fucking virgin._

"Whatever, it doesn't count if you're not wearing a skirt short enough to show them off."

"That is so white-trash, I don't know if you can really brush that off as irony anymore, Alice."

"Eat dirt, Bella! You're going to ruin our first day back, probably just because you couldn't make the effort to shave your goddamn legs this morning and had to resort to those washed out atrocities you call pants. Rosalie is going to have both our heads. I fucking vouched for you this year!"

"Relax, I was joking. I'm not going to be on the squad this year. I already spoke to Rosalie, and she said it was fine. Try-outs are soon, anyway."

"You're leaving the squad? And you failed to inform me?"

"It was a decision I made last night. I just figured I should use my last year at high school in a more productive manner than stealing Jess' pompoms and smuggling them into the boy's locker rooms."

Alice shook her head, "Fucking pompoms. You know Jess had to burn those, right?"

"It was the only responsible thing she could have done…"

This only earned Bella a glare from Alice, who looked as if she was chewing on a pack of silica beads.

The little girl seemed at the end of her tether, "And what the hell is with everyone wearing jeans at the moment? It's seventy-five degrees outside and I saw Lauren Mallory in a pair yesterday that looked as if it was trying to eat her ass."

xxx

"So, how are you enjoying the first day?" Alice asked as she and Edward left the Science block.

They had been in the same Biology class before lunch and were now on their way towards the bleachers on the sports field.

"It's not bad. I mean the staring is a little creepy, but once my good friend Chuck Norris comes to visit, that should be taken care of."

"Don't worry. They're just curious as to what you'll do next."

"Like a freak show?"

"No," she sighed, "The last really new person that we got was in middle school. He was quite outgoing for a time, but he turned…reclusive," Alice looked a little sad as she said this. "They're trying to assess whether you'll be more social."

"Just tell them that _vicarious_ is my middle name." Edward rolled his eyes, "I just wish they wouldn't look so expectant. I feel like I should start doing tricks or something to reward them for all the attention they're giving me."

"Do you know any tricks?"

"I sparkle in sunlight." Edward said dryly, squinting at said brightness.

"Cool, I glow in the dark."

They grinned at each other and Edward realised that this was a person he would not mind spending more time with.

Then they heard someone shouting at them. "Hey, are you old ladies just going to gossip all day long or are you going to get your assess over here so we can fucking eat?"

Edward turned around to see Emmett, Rosalie and Bella sitting on the bleachers, with various Tupperware containers and brown paper bags surrounding them. As Edward looked up at Bella his heart did a little skip.

_Stupid heart – just do your fucking job. No more complaining. _

"Alright Curly Sue, don't get your panties in a twist!" Alice shouted back at Emmett as they started making their way up the bleachers.

"Fuck you, Puck. Hi, Edward." Emmett smiled good-naturedly.

"Hey."

"How has your day been so far?" Rosalie asked Edward as he sat down. She handed him a baguette wrapped in greaseproof paper.

"He's afraid if he doesn't begin sparkling soon the good students of AHS will start demanding refunds," Alice answered.

Emmett, who had just taken a large bite of his mother's baguette, unsuccessfully tried to hold back a laugh and sprayed mozzarella and ham all around.

Bella chuckled. She turned almost unnoticeably towards Edward and quietly said, "I'm glad you're here. We need some more male energy in the group."

"Yeah, Emmett's been an honorary girl for years…" Rosalie teased.

"Oh, I think we both know that I am _all_ man." Emmett countered with a suggestive eyebrow-wiggle.

"Ew," Bella said under her breath. She smiled at Edward and in that moment a small gust of wind caught a few strands of her hair and swept them towards Edward. They were just long enough to tickle the side of his face and he could smell her scent.

Wood, flowers, leather. _Kind of heavenly._

Edward tried not to look at her and instead turned his attention to the surrounding sports field. It was set against a backdrop of large, rolling hills. Green and fertile. But as he looked around, Edward started feeling somewhat uncomfortable. As if someone was watching him.

His eyes swept around the field once more and fell on a tall figure, smoking under the cover of a small outbuilding. Edward couldn't be sure, but he was certain that the boy was looking at him. Not in the way that he had been stared at the whole morning, with curiosity. The blonde boy with the scruffy clothing seemed to be glowering.

"Do you know who that is?" Edward asked quietly.

Emmett turned to the direction Edward was looking. When he turned back around he was scowling.

"Fucking Whitlock."

"Emmett." Bella said quietly. She had a pained look on her face.

Edward was now thoroughly confused. He looked to Alice for help. She looked at the hills in the background, but answered Edward's silent query. "That's Jasper Whitlock. He keeps to himself."

Everyone was silent for a while until Rosalie visibly perked up. "Can we have the pie now?" she asked Bella.

Bella nodded and started distributing slices of homemade apple pie.

Edward took a bite. It was good. Very good.

"Good pie." he complimented.

Bella thanked him. "It's your turn tomorrow. We need to assess your dessert skills to see whether you can continue to hang out with us or whether we have to kick you out of the group. Fucking up dessert is not an option," she said with a smile.

Edward grinned. "Dessert Nazi."

Then he too looked back towards the hills. He was surprised at how comfortable he felt. With these people he hardly knew. With the pale girl sitting only a foot away from him.

xxx

**A/N: **Thanks to everyone who reviewed the last chapter. I haven't replied yet, but now that this chapter is finally out I will :)

I hope everyone enjoyed this!


	5. Real Pie and Gophers

**A/N: **This chapter took longer to complete than I had anticipated. Non-ff stuff (i.e. a little adventure I like to call real life) demanded my attention.

A do not own Twilight. I do own a Border Collie. Her name is Alice.

xxx

**Chapter 5. Real Pie and Gophers**

"You _made_ them brownies?"

Edward nodded. He was carefully wrapping individual brownies in greaseproof paper before transferring them into a lunchbox.

"You don't even make _me_ brownies," Carlisle pouted.

"You're my father. You have to love me unconditionally. Other people need to be coaxed into that with baked goods."

"I didn't even know you could _make_ brownies."

Edward smirked, "I called Aunt Tanya."

"You _are trying to bake? Are you sure that's such a good idea, Edward? Why don't you just go to the store?" Tanya had asked._

"_No one's ever made friends by trying to pass off store-bought brownies as homemade. It has to be the real deal. My pride demands it."_

"_Hmm...how attached is my brother to this new house of yours? I mean, if it burnt down would it cause problems for you?" _

"_It'll be fine. I will not let myself be defeated by chocolate cake."_

"_Ok, but if someone gets food poisoning, I had nothing to do with this."_

"It took a while, but I convinced her to talk me through it." Edward snapped the box shut and turned to his father. "Don't look so despondent - you can have one." He handed Carlisle one of the left over brownies.

Carlisle inspected it. "It's misshapen."

"Don't say that. It can hear you and now it's going to feel bad about itself."

His father shrugged, "It won't be miserable for too long. Soon, it will be in my belly."

"I'm sure it's not comforted by that. Also, now you're making all the other brownies nervous. Well done Dad, the adrenaline is going to compromise their taste."

"Who's making them nervous now? You're planning the mass murder of baked goods. You're a monster."

"Their demise will be for the greater good – my social life."

"I raised a tyrant." Carlisle shook his head then started to grin, "I hope these friends are worth it."

"Of course. They fed me yesterday. Baguette and pie no less."

"Pie? Real pie?"

"Yes, Bella made it. The girls take turns bringing dessert."

Carlisle smirked.

"The girls and I!" Edward corrected quickly.

xxx

"What is it?" Alice asked curiously, examining the contents of the greaseproof paper.

Edward rolled his eyes. "It's a brownie."

"Oh, I see!" Alice exclaimed and happily took a bite. "It's good."

"Thanks."

"Emmett, no! You've already had your piece. Don't steal mine!" Bella said angrily.

"But Bellie! I'm still hungry."

"I don't care. I'm a growing teenager, too. I. Want. My. Brownie."

Edward felt pleased by the fact that they were arguing over something he had made. Stupidly pleased in the case of _Bella_ arguing over something he'd made. Edward inwardly rolled his eyes at himself. _Yeah, yeah – 'Seek and ye shall find'…_

Rosalie jumped to Bella's help. "Emmett. Just give the brownie back to her."

Emmett pouted, but handed Bella the brownie. "Why do I always feel like your puppet, Rosie?"

Rosalie just smirked.

"If you're a puppet, would that make her Geppetto or Jiminy Cricket?" Edward asked.

"No!" Both Emmett and Bella shouted with horrified expressions on their faces.

"No freaking _Pinocchio_ references!" Bella said.

Edward was confused. "Why?"

Alice chuckled. "They hate it. They haven't watched it since they were little. I think they're still slightly traumatised."

"Is it the nose thing?" Edward asked. "I never lied when I was little because I was terrified my nose wouldn't stop growing."

Bella turned to him. "That's not the worst part."

"Then what is?"

She looked at him disbelievingly. "Um, how about the fact that he gets kidnapped, turned into a donkey and eaten by a whale?"

Emmett stared at the ground and shook his head. "That shit is so fucked up."

Alice laughed. "You guys seriously need to get over that. It was almost thirteen years ago."

Rosalie snorted. Edward turned to smile at her, but something in the corner of his eye caught his attention. A blonde boy in shabby clothes. Jasper Whitlock.

He eyed the boy with curiosity. The slightly tense atmosphere that occurred within the group when he was mentioned the previous day had been enough to stir his interest.

However, Edward had been naughty earlier in the day. Edward had been eavesdropping.

_The friendly looking, brown haired girl in his History class had walked into the room with a hunched posture and red-rimmed eyes that morning. She had introduced herself as Angela the previous day._

_Immediately, a freckled girl with big hair started questioning her anxiously. "Are you ok, Angie? I mean, no offence but, you look like three Prozac bottles worth of angst."_

"_It's Jasper."_

"_What about him?"_

_Angela had shrugged. "I didn't really see him over the summer. I tried to talk to him yesterday after school. He just said that he'd made a mistake with me and then told me I had to leave. No apology. Not even a fucking goodbye."_

_The freckled girl had put a sympathetic hand on Angela's arm. "There are some people you won't be able to help," she had whispered._

Edward continued to watch Jasper in what he hoped was a subtle manner. He was still smoking. Still glowering at Edward. It disconcerted him. In fact, it really fucking bugged him. Eventually, Edward had to turn away.

"_Fantasia_ always freaked me out. It's like a bad acid trip or something," he said quietly instead.

Emmett and Bella both nodded. They seemed to understand what he meant. Rosalie just looked at hills in the background, while Alice was trying to stuff her little fist into her mouth to suppress a laugh.

Edward coloured. "I was seven, ok? My nerves were already shot from watching _Labyrinth_ that year," he finished with a smile.

Bella smiled back, "If it's any consolation, I think you passed the dessert test. These brownies are good."

"Thanks. I'm sorry they look kind of funny, I'm not exactly Martha-freaking-Stewart or anything."

"Hey!" Alice shouted.

Bella shook her head. "Don't _ever_ besmirch the name of the Mighty One in front of her."

Rosalie turned to him. "Bella's aunt is a decorator. They both work part-time in her store downtown. Bella just does it to help out, but Alice takes it _very_ seriously."

"I believe in plenty of optimism and white paint!" Alice piped up.

Emmett smile benevolently at her. "So, Eddie boy!"

Edward grimaced.

"Ok, I'll keep working on a nickname." Emmett conceded. "Anyway, now that you've passed Bella's aptitude assessment - what are you doing on Sunday?"

xxx

When Edward awoke on Saturday it was raining heavily. For once, the sky was not bright and cheerful. The rain had darkened the sky so dramatically that he wondered whether people were running to church at that very moment, praying for absolution before the end of the world.

After showering and eating breakfast, Edward wasn't sure how to proceed. He was supposed to go hiking with Jacob, but in this particular weather he wasn't sure whether they would make it out of the Oregon wilderness alive.

Not having Jacob's telephone number in order to call him, Edward trudged up to his bedroom and started to rifle through his many yet-to-be-unpacked boxes. He finally pulled out a lightweight, olive-green, waterproof jacket. While this particular piece of clothing had been something of a staple in Forks, he'd not had any use for it in Ashland yet.

He grabbed the truck's keys and walked out of the front door. After briefly steeling himself on the porch, he quickly ran towards Oliver. Cursing old truck doors for being capricious, Edward jumped into the cab and turned the heating up.

When he arrived at Jacob's house, he hurried to the front door. Jacob was already waiting for him.

"Hey, looking good in that truck. I saw you pull up."

"Thanks. A few more weeks driving that thing and I might just turn into a real man. Beer gut and spitting and all that good stuff."

"I drove the truck for months and I'm still a functioning member of society!" Jacob laughed. "Anyway, come in. I know the weather doesn't look particularly outdoorsy at the moment, but it's meant to clear up before midday."

Edward was ushered into the house and through to the small kitchen. An old looking radio was playing quietly in a corner. The refrigerator was covered in photos, postcards, flyers, notes and a couple of children's drawings.

Billy Black was sitting at the kitchen table, next to a man who looked vaguely familiar to Edward. He had kind, brown eyes and a thick moustache.

"Charlie, this is Dr. Cullen's boy Edward. Edward, this is Chief Swan." Billy introduced. Edward had a brief mental flash of a Border Collie.

"Here." Jacob said, tossing Edward a blueberry muffin, "my cousin Emily makes them, she thinks we can't feed ourselves."

"You must be the same Edward that my daughter has befriended." Chief Swan smiled.

Edward's thought process was a little frantic. _Rosalie? Alice? Bella?_

There was a dull thud and then Jacob cursed under his breath. "Sorry, dropped my muffin." He smiled weakly at Edward. "So, you know Bella?" he asked.

_Bella Swan_, Edward thought. "Yes, I've been hanging out with Emmett McCarty and his friends."

"She said you passed the dessert test with brownies. Well done kid. They all have a pretty sweet tooth."

Edward's stomach did a funny little flip, an anomaly which he hoped wasn't dangerous, when he realised that Bella had been talking about him to her family. It was silly really, because why _wouldn't_ she talk about him? They were friends now. But while that may have been true, he also realised that she was the person in the group whose approval he sought most. And for some reason, even though she had been nothing but kind, friendly and funny, she had seemed like the person most reluctant to bestow it.

He remembered her strange reaction to seeing Oliver the previous day.

"_Is that your car?" she had asked anxiously as Edward walked towards the truck in the student parking lot at the end of the day. _

_Edwards had nodded. "I bought it off the Black's. Do you know them?"_

"_Yes, who doesn't?" she had laughed, but it had seemed slightly forced._

_Edwards had contemplated whether it would have been rude to pry, but at that point they noticed Alice and Emmett performing an enthusiastic rendition of 'Macho Man' while making their way towards them._

_Bella had smiled and thrown a quick "See you on Sunday" over her shoulder, while hurrying to her own car. _

The four guys spent the rest of the morning arguing. Pie flavours, ball scores, 70's rock. It was oddly comfortable, and by midday the weather truly had cleared up.

"You still want to go out?" Jacob asked eventually. "We probably won't be able to go anywhere really good. The trails will be a nightmare…but we could still catch a bit of fresh air."

Edward nodded. "Yeah, let's go."

They took their leave of Billy and Charlie ("If I'm not on the job, I'm not Chief Swan.") and jumped into the truck. They started driving south on the highway, and eventually Edward directed the car westwards, under Jacob's instructions.

"So where exactly are we going?" Edward asked as the residential suburbs gradually gave way to woodland.

"It's called the Hidden Waterfall." Jacob replied.

"Do I have to travel far and wide to find it?"

"No."

"Do I have to climb through the wardrobe in my attic?"

"No."

"Rabbit hole? Open Sesame? Parseltongue?"

Jacob put on an expression of mock-defeat. "It's just a waterfall."

"Ok. Sounds good."

xxx

Edward closed his eyes and breathed in perfection. The kind of fragrant perfection that only happens after heavy rain meets dense forest. That smell was one of the only things Edward missed about Forks, and he was glad he'd found it here. However temporarily.

They had left Oliver in a car park and followed a perplexingly muddy trail for almost an hour, often accompanied by the sounds of flowing water. Eventually the trail had opened up to reveal a small waterfall. While it wasn't particularly big, the water was clear and it surged merrily over the rocks and tiny outcrops.

"I like it. The waterfall, the greenery. It's nice, but in a manly way. Like any moment Anthony Hopkins and Alec Baldwin will come stumbling out of those trees over there. I mean, I don't feel like a girl for admitting that it's kind of pretty."

Jacob grinned. "I know what you mean - probably not a good idea to dwell on it, though. It's not like I'm scared that I'll grow breasts and start to smell like vanilla if we carry on talking like this, but I'm not willing to take any chances."

They sat down on a couple of larger rocks and fell into a comfortable silence.

After a while Edward asked, "So has your Dad been the tyrant you thought he'd be?"

"He's tried but it's not been too bad. I've been threatening to roll him into one of the flower beds. Apparently, those suckers are a bitch to get out of."

Edward tried to look disapproving, but failed miserably.

_The chuckle probably gave it away._

"How's school been for you? How are the people treating you?" Jacob asked while getting up to stretch his legs a little.

"It's ok. I've been spending my lunches with Emmett and the girls and I really like them. Everyone else seems nice, too…although, there's this one guy. I don't know, he's always staring at us. He just seems a little…creepy."

Jacob's steps faltered infinitesimally, "What guy?"

"His name's Jasper Whitlock."

_Crack._

Edward turned around to see Jacob hold a short, thin tree branch. He appeared to have snapped it off cleanly from a low part of the trunk he was standing next to.

Edward wasn't sure what to say. "Um…" _Yeah, that seems like the way to go._

"Sorry." Jacob said. He looked uncomfortable as he tossed the branch aside and wiped his hand on his jeans. "Look, do me a favour, ok? Stay away from Whitlock."

"I wasn't exactly planning on knocking on his front door and asking his mother if he can come out to play."

"I know, it's just…he's not…a good guy. And he…twists people." Jacob's face itself looked twisted. It was distorted in what seemed like agitation and pain.

Edward desperately wanted to know what everyone's problem with Jasper Whitlock was, but didn't feel like it was the right time to ask. "Ok," he consented and they let the subject drop.

"So, I was thinking it might be a good idea to have your number in case of future natural disasters," Edward said.

xxx

"He's right behind you, you imbecile!" Rosalie shouted at the television.

Alice cocked her head to the side, "You know, I've been thinking about it, and I've decided that those cheek implants make her look like a gopher."

Rosalie seemed disbelieving. "How can you pay any attention to her face? I mean, it's not the only thing that's fake about her…and she's been running. I'm surprised that she's not been bruising her face with those. Actually, she kind of reminds me of Bella."

Bella turned to her with an appalled expression. "Not because of the breasts –" Rosalie rolled her eyes, "I just mean the look on her face as she's running. Reminds me of when Eric tried to ask you to the winter formal last year." Rosalie's facial expression suddenly seemed nostalgic.

"_Tried_ being the operative word." Alice snickered.

Bella rested her forehead on her elbows. "My life is an endless series of small tragedies."

Edward had been surprised to learn that the four of them traditionally spent Sunday afternoons watching B-movies at Emmett's house. Apparently, between the four of them they had amassed quite the collection, and that particular Sunday the 'the teen-slasher vibe' had been felt.

They spent the rest of the film either hiding behind Emmett's quilt or throwing popcorn at the screen until Emmett had shouted "Hey, someone has to clean this mess up!"

After that Edward had desisted from throwing snacks.

He felt that Bernadette McCarty shouldn't be unnecessarily punished for having a son who was not capable of keeping his own room tidy.

The girls wisely used their time by covertly decorating one of Emmett's top-shelf magazines with a black marker pen – twirly moustaches and 'Will hop for money' speech bubbles, et al.

"I want to see Edward's room!" Alice called out suddenly.

"What? Why?" he asked.

"Because, I'm nosy and I can tell a lot about a person by how they've decorated their space."

"Well, it's not really decorated at the moment. It's not been my priority, so it's just kind of…bare." Edward neglected to mention the fact that he had still been living out of his unpacked boxes and suitcases.

Bella tried to furtively shake her head in order to cut him off, but Alice was already beaming. "Project time!" she exclaimed happily. "Show me now." She hopped from the bed and grabbed Edward's hand. "Please." she added, seemingly as an afterthought. "We have so much work to do."

Emmett seemed to have noticed Edward's slightly panicked expression. "I know," he said, "you're thinking little, sissy throw-pillows and all that shit. But she's not so bad. She did my room."

Edward once again took in the soothing, dark blue walls and retro lamps.

_Maybe it won't be so bad…_

By the time that particular thought had comforted him a little, Edward was already being dragged across the road and up the garden path. When they entered the house Carlisle emerged from the kitchen with a steaming cup of coffee.

"Hey, you brought a friend." Holding out his hand he said, "I'm Carlisle Cullen, nice to meet you."

"I'm Alice; I'm here to see Edward's room."

Carlisle shot Edward an amused look. "Do I want to know?"

"Alice is thinking about decorating my room." Edward clarified.

Carlisle shook his head. "First baking and now this – well, I'm glad that you're so in touch with your feminine side, son. I hear _Queer Eye_ is looking for a new presenter."

xxx

**A/N: **I really couldn't resist giving Angela a dirty mouth - it gives me a warm, fuzzy feeling.

Alice quotes Interior Decorator Elsie de Wolfe.

'Macho Man' just sums up this entire chapter for me.

As always, thanks for reading!


	6. Shirley Temple and Sir Edward

**A/N: **I wrote some review replies in which I said that this chapter would be out on Sunday. I failed you, I'm sorry :( But, to make up for it, not only am I gifting you my longest chapter yet, but I also have a little surprise planned out, the details of which can be found in the Author's Note at the bottom.

A word of warning: The following chapter does feature a spot of underage drinking. If that's not your thing, I'm sorry, but this is an M-rated story :)

(StephenieMeyerownsall. – There. I said it.)

xxx

**Chapter 6. Shirley Temple and Sir Edward**

On Wednesday, Bella brought apple muffins for dessert. Alice was monologue-ing incessantly about her upcoming birthday party, while everyone else was enjoying Bella's baking skills in silence.

"– and I'm so glad that I only invited a few people this year. Do you remember my seventeenth?"

"Please don't remind me Alice. The images will be forever burned into my mind," Rosalie groaned.

"I don't know what you're talking about, Rosie. I have no unpleasant memories of that night," Emmett countered.

Bella laughed. "Yeah, because you've repressed them all."

"What happened?" Edward asked curiously.

"Mike Newton thought Alice's home cinema would be a good stage for his party trick."

Edward was still none the wiser. "So what's his party trick?"

"A naked rendition of 'I'm Coming Out'," Alice giggled.

Rosalie shuddered. "He pretends to play the trumpet bit on his winky."

Emmett groaned. "I'd forgotten about that part."

"I haven't," Bella muttered darkly.

As everyone got up to leave at the end of lunch, Edward turned towards Alice. "So, may I expect more disasters of the naked variety on Friday? Because I might decide to wear very dark sunglasses."

"No, Newton is staying far away from my house, this time. Don't worry; your virgin eyes will remain unblemished. It's a shame really – he got me an Anthropologie gift certificate last year," she said as they walked inside the main building.

"That's very thoughtful of him."

"Or Mrs. Newton." Alice waved at him and walked towards her next class.

Suddenly Edward realised what his brain had been neglecting to remind him of.

"Bella!" Edward shouted down the crowded hallway. She turned around with a perplexed expression on her face, which quickly turned into a small smile, as he ran to catch up with her.

Bella leant against her locker. "Hey, is everything ok?" she asked when Edward finally reached her.

"Yeah, everything's fine," he said a little breathlessly. "I actually have a bit of a favour to ask of you. I have no idea what to get Alice for her birthday. I'm thinking maybe an interior design book or something, but I suspect that might be a little like opening a coffee shop in Seattle."

"More like giving Shirley Temple a fifty-seventh curl." Bella smiled. "Plus, she'd probably criticise your lack of taste, no matter what you choose. Unless it's the Ikea catalogue - but she has about six copies of every edition."

"Exactly. So, do you think you could help me find something for her?"

Bella answered somewhat hesitantly, "She's really hard to shop for, but if you want we could head downtown after school and then we'll see if anything can be done."

"Thanks. It's just, since she's already knee deep in preparations for redoing my room, I want to get her something good. Something that won't make Alice regret spending most of her spare time making my sleeping quarters more comfortable."

Bella laughed, but her expression fell quickly as she stared at a spot to Edward's left.

When Edward turned, he realised that she was looking at Jasper Whitlock. He was standing less than ten feet away from Edward - scowling.

_Nothing unusual about that._

But Edward noticed that the scowls were not only aimed at him. Jasper's grimace was directed at Bella and Edward in equal parts.

Bella frowned and turned to Edward with a determined looking smile. "I have to get to my next class now, but I'll help you pick out a present for Alice. You got a lift in with Emmett this morning, right?"

Edward nodded.

"Ok, then meet me at my car after school, okay?" She smiled one last time and joined the throng of students shutting their lockers and heading towards their next lessons.

Edward watched her leave. He could tell Jasper was still looking at him, and after a minute turned towards him.

It was the closest Edward had ever been to him. He had caught glimpses of Jasper around the school, and had almost gotten used to his daily, lunchtime examination, but from the short distance that now separated them, Edward could make out several things about Jasper.

He didn't look particularly well cared for. He was thin, and his clothes appeared even scruffier on closer inspection than they usually did. He had a handsome, chiselled face. His hair was very blonde. Unnaturally blonde.

Jasper looked at Edward with undisguised animosity. Then he made a small snarling noise.

_Because snarling makes you look so ferocious when you're standing in front of a notice board publicising accordion lessons and the Mime club auditions._

Jasper turned on his heel and walked down the now deserted corridor.

It took Edward all of two seconds to decide that he was getting sick of Jasper's unexplained hostility.

"Yeah, well I don't really like you either, Captain Peroxide!" he shouted.

Jasper stopped mid stride for a second, then straightened his shoulders and went on his way.

_Edward – 1, Assface – 0._

xxx

_'…__The grass and the daisies  
Think a lot more of the days than you  
And you're you  
The walls of the maze  
Know the will more than the way than you  
And you're just you…'_

"Do you always listen to power pop in your car or is that just for my benefit?" Edward asked.

Bella stuck her tongue out at him. "There is a comment box in the glove compartment for all snarky passenger-seat-remarks. Your complaint will be duly noted and then ignored."

"Duly noted and then ignored? That's such a bastardisation of logi-"

"Glove compartment!" Bella interrupted.

Edward laughed and inhaled the scent of the car. It smelt of her. All tiny, purple flowers, tobacco and leather. Once again Edward noted how similar Bella's and Oliver's scents were.

_Yeah, compare her to a rusty old car, you douche._

He inspected the inside of the car more closely. It was pretty cluttered. The backseat was full of old Domino magazines, a Monopoly set and a stuffed, pink rabbit.

"Who's this?" Edward asked, reaching for the toy.

Bella took a glance at the rabbit he was now holding. Her expression turned wary, as if she was steeling herself for his teasing. "Spirabbs," she muttered.

"Spirabbs?" Edward asked.

"He started off as Alice's, but now we all kind of have joint custody over him. Emmett was embarrassed to have a pink toy bunny, so we decided that he was a hardcore bunny, who'd been bitten by a radioactive spider and developed super-bunny powers. Hence, Spirabbs."

"It's all so much clearer now." Edward chuckled. "Your car is really messy, by the way."

"Yep, one thing about Alice – she thinks her car is too precious to be cluttered, so she uses everyone else's as her personal rubbish dump. All that stuff on the backseat is hers."

Edward smiled. "I like this, though. Where did you get it?" he asked, fingering the small figurine dangling from the rear-view mirror. It was a tiny wooden model of a wolf. It looked hand-carved.

"Um…a friend made it for me," she said quietly as she pulled the Daihatsu into an empty spot along the main street through Ashland.

"Ok," Bella said as she hopped out of her car, "we should probably try the vintage and second hand stores. Alice loves those, and sometimes you can find some pretty cool stuff."

Edward nodded and followed Bella, trusting her judgement.

An hour later, he wasn't quite so trusting anymore.

"This is the fifteenth stained watercolour print I've looked at in as many minutes," he complained.

Bella seemed equally dispirited. "And this vase looks like it was the victim of a particularly gruesome hate crime."

"You know, I still have to make dessert for tomorrow. Maybe we should leave present hunting for now."

"But we only have a couple more days!" Bella protested. When she noticed Edward's disheartened expression, however, she relented. "Fine, you're probably right – we won't find anything here. What are you baking anyway?"

"I'm not baking so much as refrigerating. I'm making rice crispy treats."

"Well that's pretty advanced."

"Thank you." Edward said with mock-pride.

Bella smirked. "For a five year old."

He picked up a discarded piece of cloth from a side table and threw it at her. Bella caught it surprisingly nimbly.

Edward pulled his backpack higher up on his shoulder, took one last look at the stock the store tried to advertise as 'antique', but which was basically just junk, and turned to leave.

"You're a genius, Edward," Bella gasped behind him.

"Uh…yeah, I am. What made someone finally acknowledge it?"

Bella held out the piece of fabric Edward had just thrown at her. "This is what you're getting Alice."

"Okaaay…umm…has God been lending your imbalance a helping hand again? Did you knock your head on something earlier?"

Bella glared at him.

"Sorry," Edward said, "it's just, I don't really know how to break this to you, but…that's a tea towel, Bella."

She rolled her eyes and then turned the towel around to reveal a colourful print.

Edward took a closer look at it and smiled. There was a girl holding a cat, a rabbit with a coat and pocket watch, a sour looking Duchess, a caterpillar on a mushroom, and living playing cards painting rosebushes.

"An _Alice in Wonderland_ tea towel?"

Bella nodded. "This is why she named herself Alice."

"She named _herself_ Alice?"

"After her ma read the book to her. Her name is Mary Alice, but you'd have to have a death wish to call her that to her face…I named my dog Mary instead." Bella smiled.

"Huh, now I'll have something to hold against her the next time she says 'Eddie boy, it's vital for you to acknowledge the importance of colour-coordinating your bathroom cabinet.' Yesterday she gave me a speech about not keeping both my painkillers and multivitamins there, because the packaging clashed."

Bella nodded in a sympathetic manner as she held out the tea-towel to him.

"Do you really think I can just give her this?" Edward asked anxiously.

Bella looked thoughtful for a minute. "Maybe not. I'll give you a ride home first and then I'll drop this round to my aunt's store and see what she can do with it."

"Are you sure? I mean, you seem to be doing all the work…"

Bella laughed. "Don't worry, I won't let you take all the credit."

As Bella drove him home, Edward had a bit of an epiphany. It was once thing for him to admire her a little because she was funny and pretty and smelt like a bit of woody heaven. But Edward had grown somewhat reliant on her. In the same way that he had grown attached to Emmett and Alice and Rosalie – Bella Swan had become his friend.

xxx

"Aunt Esme!" Emmett shouted, startling a couple of the customers in the store.

A well-groomed lady standing behind a pine-wood counter turned towards them and smiled widely. She seemed to be in her late thirties, though she looked very youthful.

She had a kind, pretty face and her hair was a strange, but attractive, mix between a caramel and coppery tone. _Switzerland_, Edward thought, feeling an instant affinity with her. But where his hair was completely untameable, hers fell in perfect ringlets around her shoulders.

"Emmett, did you grow again? I only saw you a couple of days ago, but you seem to get bigger every time." The lady walked towards them and Edward noticed her deep, brown eyes that were so similar to Bella's.

"Esme, this is Edward Cullen. Edward this is Esme, Bella's aunt and everyone's favourite fairy godmother," Emmett introduced.

"Hello Edward, I've already heard so much about you. Everyone seems rather taken with you," Esme smiled.

"It's nice to meet you. Your store looks great," Edward said looking around the bright interior. The shop was an eclectic mix of antique furniture, rolls of fabric, old mirrors and china patterns. In the back corner of the store, behind the old-fashioned cash register, there was a cast-iron spiral staircase that led nowhere.

"Thank you – years of travelling and extortionate shipping costs. So, I hear Alice is decorating your room?"

Edward nodded.

"I think she's a natural. She has an eye for detail," Esme offered.

"I think she's anal retentive," Emmett muttered.

Esme playfully hit the back of Emmett's head which, with the difference in their respective heights, seemed comically difficult.

"I guess you're here to pick up Alice's present?" she asked Edward. "When Bella dropped it round yesterday I knew exactly what to do with it."

Esme knelt to retrieve something from underneath the counter. When she stood up she held a bright turquoise picture frame in her hand. "Alice has been debating about whether to get this frame for weeks, but she couldn't make up her mind because she didn't know what to use it for." Esme turned the frame around and Edward saw that the towel had been neatly mounted in the middle.

"I like the use of colour," Emmett said pensively, "If Martin Parr made tea towels, that's what they would look like."

"Dude…" Edward said.

Emmett looked sheepish. "I think it's time for us to go now, Esme. Being in your shop always turns me into a girl."

xxx

Edward walked through his front door and into the kitchen where he deposited the frame.

"Edward? Is that you?" he heard Carlisle shout from the back of the house.

"No, it's the Ghost of Christmas Past and I've come to rebuke you for the year you didn't get Edward the _Beast Wars Transmetals_ Nintendo game," Edward said as he walked into the library.

"You still haven't got over that? Well, I'm sure it didn't harm you in the long run, son."

"They called me Airazor at school for months," Edward mumbled.

Carlisle smiled encouragingly. "But Airazor is a Transformer right?

"Airazor is a _female_ Transformer, dad."

Carlisle set aside the book he had been reading. "Well, I'm terribly sorry. Come on, I'm so hungry I could eat a horse. Let's go forage the house for something edible." He got up from the couch and walked through to the kitchen.

Edward followed and made a beeline for the still unopened box of Lucky Charms in the cupboard.

"Cereal for dinner, Edward? Carlisle asked as his son got out a bowl and spoon.

"Yep - traditional, Irish cuisine."

"The leprechaun on the box does not make it Irish."

Edward demonstrated his indifference by lifting a spoonful of cereal to his mouth and promptly chocking on a marshmallow.

"So elegant, Edward."

When Edward had recovered he said, "Well, it may not be _foie gras _but I'd much rather eat this," he shook the box of cereal, "than support the snail eaters in their evil, force feeding ways."

Carlisle pumped a fist into the air, "Yeah, you go girl!"

Averting his gaze from the withering look Edward was shooting him, Carlisle's eyes fell on the frame his son had leant against the wall. "What's that?"

"It's a tea towel," Edward answered.

"A million dollar tea towel?"

"No."

"Did Chuck Norris use it to singlehandedly bring down Communism?"

"Nope."

"Can you use it as a magic carpet for little people?"

Edward once again realised how similar he and his father were.

"It's an _Alice in Wonderland_ tea towel, dad."

Carlisle scratched his hairline. "I don't understand – why is it framed?"

"It's Alice's birthday present. She really liked the book when she was a kid. Bella helped me pick it out and she had it framed at her aunt's store. To be honest, I really didn't have much to do with it."

"Alice? The girl that was here on Sunday?" Carlisle asked, as if Edward had been bringing home a different girl every night.

"Yes, she turns eighteen tomorrow."

Carlisle looked uncomfortable. "Oh."

"What's wrong?"

"It seems like quite a thoughtful gift for a girl you haven't known that long."

"As I said – Bella helped me."

Carlisle sat down at the breakfast bar and sighed. "Ok, I think it's time for us to have a talk."

"What do you mean, Dad?"

His father looked uncomfortable. "I mean _the_ talk."

"Dear God." Edward blanched.

Carlisle lifted both his hands in a placating manner. "Now just hear me out -"

"Dad, we had this conversation when I was twelve! I haven't forgotten – the memory of you telling me about the hippie named Bill and how he ended up with pustules on his little man and a kid called Hobie will haunt me for the rest of my life."

"You seemed to handle it pretty well at the time."

"I was hiding behind sarcasm and a sardonic smile! Anyway, you could have gone with an analogy – I gave you every opportunity to do so."

"Believe me the experience was just as excruciating for me, and I'm not exactly thrilled at repeating it, but things are different now."

"How?"

"Well, you seem to be hanging out with more girls than before…"

"Dad, they're my friends – I'm still…you know…I haven't…," Edward took a deep breath, "My virtue is still intact."

"I thought so, and I know that you understand the…mechanics of it, but there are other things that need to be considered…" Carlisle was anxiously running a hand through his hair.

"Like what?" Edward asked just as anxiously.

Carlisle's knee began shaking under the table. "Like, um …responsibility and…mutual…pl-pleasure…"

Edward groaned, "Please Jesus – I thought you were on my side. Why won't you make it stop?"

"I'm just trying to help."

When Edward was ten his cousin Jane had dared him to climb the tallest tree in Tanya's backyard. He fell, and Edward now suspected that Jane had secretly hoped he would. If so, she must have gained a lot of satisfaction from the resulting compound fracture of his right foot. His big toe was never the same again. But this conversation was turning out to be more painful than that experience.

"Fine – make it quick." _And painless. Please let it be painless._

"Okay. Always use protection…umm Bill always made sure that his lady was ready for…"

Edward dropped his head to the table.

"…basically it's amarathonnotasprint." With that Carlisle jumped up from his seat and fled back to the library.

Edward savoured the feel of the cool tabletop against his forehead. "Son of a gun."

xxx

Edward pulled up to the large farm house Alice had given him directions to. Her house was situated about twenty minutes outside of Ashland, and as Edward got out of his truck he could hear the loud music and laughter pumping out of it.

Alice had said that this party was going to be smaller than the one she had thrown the previous year, but there were still large numbers of semi-incapacitated teenagers stumbling around the front yard. Edward even thought that he could distinguish a baby blonde mane that would undoubtedly be Mike Newton's. No one else could carry off spiky, gelled hair in quite the same, obnoxious fashion.

He walked through the front door and tried to find a familiar face in the crowd of people. It seemed as though the entire school had congregated at Alice's house. As he walked down the hallway, every now and then someone would throw their arm around his shoulder and tell a dirty joke. Edward hoped that they would be too drunk to realise that he couldn't remember their name.

"Hey Ed!" a boy from Edward's gym class called out. Edward seemed to remember that he was named Tyler. "Did I ever tell you about the time a nun, a glow worm and a sluice operator went on holiday to Argentina?"

Before Edward could reply, a booming "Edward!" erupted from the living room. He turned to see Emmett standing on a coffee table, covered in party streamers and holding a balloon.

As Edward walked into the room Emmett shouted, "Watch this!" He lifted the helium filled balloon to his lips, inhaled deeply and began to sing.

_'…__Like stars burning holes right through the dark  
Flicking fire like saltwater into my eyes  
You were one inch from the edge of this bed…'_

He took one more hit from the balloon and bellowed, "…_Sleepyhead, Sleepyhead…"_, then he started to headbang while Bella and Rosalie appeared, as if from nowhere, and began to jump up and down on the couch.

Suddenly a tiny body flung itself at Edward. "You came!" Alice shouted gleefully.

"Of course. I even brought you a present – courtesy of Bella and her aunt," Edward said as he handed her the frame.

"It's perfect!" Alice screamed as she embraced him in another bone crushing hug.

"Thank you! Haha - look at that little guy with a Six of Spades as a body! Come on, let's get you a drink. To the kitchen, Officer!"

"The kitchen, Edward!" Emmett shouted. "You have to check it out. It's like a fucking Oktoberfest in there!"

Alice dragged Edward into the kitchen, which was overflowing with kegs, plastic cups and what seemed to be a small off-license worth of liquor bottles.

"Alice!" a girly voice shouted behind them. Alice and Edward turned to see the freckled girl that sat in front of Edward in History. "It's that time again." she said rather breathlessly.

"It's what time, Jess?" Alice asked.

"Mike is undressing in your home cinema."

"Right." Alice straightened the pink, sparkly crown adorning her head and turned to Edward with a big smile. "I decided to let him come after all. He got me another gift certificate. So, wanna come and watch?" she asked, wiggling her eyebrows.

Edward declined politely and Alice left with Jess. As they left he could distinctly hear _"There's a new me coming out, And I just had to live…"_ drifting through the door.

Edward tried to peruse the kitchen for a non-alcoholic drink. He wanted to be able to drive home later on, so a beer wasn't on the cards for him.

His eyes fell on a familiar looking girl sitting at the kitchen table. She had turned an empty bottle of scotch upside down and was shaking it furiously over a whisky tumbler. "Jack! Where d'you go, Jack?" She let her shoulders and head fall onto the table. "Why does everybody leave me?"

Edward approached her cautiously. "Angela? Are you alright?"

Angela snapped her head up. A cardboard coaster was stuck to her cheek. "Do I fucking look like I'm alright?" Edward was taken aback by the vicious tone adopted by the otherwise pleasant girl.

He turned to leave.

"I'm sorry," Edward heard her say in a small voice.

"It's ok." He walked back and knelt down beside her. "Do you want to talk about it?"

A lone tear travelled down Angela's cheek and she shook her head. Edward sympathetically put a hand on her forearm.

_'…__Weve come a long long way together,  
Through the hard times and the good…'_

Emmett sang at the top of his voice, while electric sliding into the kitchen. It appeared that he had taken off his button-up shirt and tied it around his head like a turban.

_'_…_I have to celebrate you baby,  
I have to praise you like I should…'_

Emmett filled a crystal vase with beer from one of the kegs. Angela burst into tears and ran out of the kitchen. Emmett stared after and his expression darkened slightly.

"Fucking Whitlock." he muttered to himself, before electric sliding back out of the kitchen. He hadn't noticed Edward.

Edward got up. He started to look for Angela, worried that she had locked herself in a bathroom to wallow in self pity. When he encountered the first projectile-vomiter of the night by the rose bushes, however, he realised it was time to call off the search.

He wandered over to a wooden deck overlooking a small pond at the back of the large garden. It was littered with streamers and empty beer cups, but there were no people around, so he sat down on the planks and looked up at the stars.

After a few minutes he heard someone approaching.

Bella sat down next to him. She mirrored his posture almost perfectly. Her arms were slung around her legs, her knees tucked to her chest, her gaze turned skywards.

"It's just so damn perfect." she said quietly.

Edward kept his eyes on the stars. "The night sky?" he asked.

Out of the corner of his eye he could see her nodding. "It's just so much older and more beautiful than we can really grasp. But we hardly ever take the time to really appreciate it. You walk underneath it, when you get out of your car in the evening or shut the curtains in its face at night. We just take it for granted."

_I call Bullshit_, Edward thought.

"Are you drunk?"

"Yes," she lolled her head to the side, "but I'd appreciate it if you could humour me nonetheless."

Edward smiled, took a shaky breath and started to recite a poem his aunt used to tell him on the nights that his father had to work.

_"__When I heard the learn'd astronomer;  
When the proofs, the figures, were ranged in columns before me;  
When I was shown the charts and the diagrams, to add, divide, and  
measure them;…"_

Bella lowered her knees, so she was sitting cross-legged, and angled her body towards Edward, as he continued to speak.

_"…When I, sitting, heard the astronomer, where he lectured with much  
applause in the lecture-room,  
How soon, unaccountable, I became tired and sick;  
Till rising and gliding out, I wander'd off by myself,  
In the mystical moist night-air, and from time to time,…"_

A small smile played across Bella's lips as she joined in to recite the last line with him.

_"…Look'd up in perfect silence at the stars."_

She sighed. "I am Walt Whitman's bitch. Too bad Oscar Wilde got there before me."

Edward shot her a questioning look. "Whitman's shmexy," was her reply.

He felt somewhat bewildered. The poem reminded him strongly of the clear, cold Alaskan nights of his childhood. It was a strange feeling to be reciting it with Bella, on a mild September night, with the sounds of laughter and pop music in the background.

They heard singing behind them.

_'…__I'm coming out  
I want the world to know  
Got to let it show…'_

Emmett, Alice and Rosalie were making their way across the lawn towards Edward and Bella.

"Bellie! Eddie!" Emmet exclaimed, then dropped down next to Edward. He placed a bottle of Champagne and five tumblers in front of them. Alice and Rosalie sat down, also. Alice put a single sparkler and a lighter down next to the bottle of Champagne. Rosalie added the pink toy rabbit Edward had last seen in Bella's car to the small pile.

"What are you doing here, Alice?" Bella asked, slurring her words slightly. "Shouldn't you be in there, enjoying your birthday party?"

"Well I was, but then I realised that I really only wanted to celebrate with a handful of people." She smiled kindly at Bella.

"Umm…" Edward felt slightly awkward. Even though he had felt warmly welcomed by Emmett's friends, he wasn't entirely sure that Alice counted him as part of the 'handful of people'.

Rosalie seemed to notice his discomfort. "We have a surprise for you, Edward," she said.

Emmett took off his make-shift turban and handed it to Alice. She took it, threw it around her shoulders and tied the sleeves loosely around her neck. Then she once again straightened her sparkly crown and picked up the unlit sparkler and the rabbit.

Alice handed the rabbit to Edward.

"Kneel!" she giggled.

Edward tucked his legs underneath his body.

Alice stood in front of Edward and cleared her throat. "I knight you, Sir Edward Cullen," she touched both of his shoulders with the sparkler, "co-guardian of Spirabbs, the radioactive rabbit. Arise, Sir Edward."

Edward awkwardly got up to his feet and Alice immediately wrapped her arms around him.

"Aww, group hug, guys!" Emmett said, throwing his arms around them and crushing them to his bare chest. Rosalie and Bella jumped on top of the huddle.

"Woohoo!" Emmett shouted at the top of his lungs.

Alice released Edward and picked the lighter off the ground, while Rosalie opened the bottle and filled the tumblers with champagne. Alice lit the sparkler, twirling and dancing and waving the little sparkler until it went out.

"Oh. It died." she said with a pout.

xxx

**A/N: **So, what did you think of Bella's choice of music? What would you play if you were giving Edward Cullen a ride in your car?

I move back to University soon, so the next chapter won't be up for at least another ten days. However, I wrote a little outtake to get the backstory of Edward and Carlisle's first 'talk' straight. I wasn't going to publish it, but I know that most of you really enjoy the father/son banter between the two. So, if that's something you're interested in and you want to learn more about Bill the Hippie, drop me a review, and I will post it before the weekend :)


	7. Corona Borealis and Sugar Paste

**A/N:** So guys, I seem to have some explaining to do. This chapter took _a lot_ longer than it should have. I moved back to Uni shortly after posting the last chapter and I pretty much didn't have the time to read or write anything not pertaining to my studies for the past few weeks. Also life has been insane. I may lose my mind soon, so don't be surprised if _A Guide to Ashland_ turns into a musical version of _King Lear_ or something (Carlisle will be playing _both_ of the Vengeful Sluts, aka Goneril and Regan).

I wanted to thank all the people who reviewed the last chapter. The comments you guys left me encouraged me to find spare minutes here and there when I had the time to write. I promise that the next chapter will not take anywhere near as long. In fact, No. 8 is coming along nicely, but in the meantime, if you enjoy Carlisle/Edward banter, you can check out the outtake I posted for this story.

Without any further ado, here is this week's offering :)

xxx

**Chapter 7. Corona Borealis and Sugar Paste**

Edward awoke on Saturday morning, shirtless and with a pounding headache. He could feel something heavy and warm lying across his chest, but was reluctant to open his eyes to have a look at what it was.

Whatever it was – it began to stir. It groaned and elbowed Edward in the stomach as it tried to sit up. Suddenly the heavy thing growled and then started to shout.

"Who the fuck stuck Gummi Bears all over my forehead? I look like a messed up version of a stegosaurus!"

"Emmett, stop screaming," Edward pleaded.

"Look at me!"

Edward hesitantly opened his eyes. The light in the room wasn't as bright as he had anticipated, but he could clearly see Emmett hovering over himself, the Gummi Bears on his face arranged in some sort of speckled U-shaped design. The formation was somewhat familiar to Edward but he couldn't quite place where he had seen it before.

His head was not capable of higher brain functions at that moment.

"Wow, looks like some really fucked up acne there, Emmett," Edward said, earning himself a withering look. "Sorry, do you remember who did that to you?"

Emmett shook his head, "No. But I'm pretty sure that the perpetrator is in this room." He shot Edward a pointed look and then nudged his head backwards. Edward looked around to the part of the room that was obscured by Emmett's huge form.

Edward realised that he had been lying on Alice's bed, which was enormous. Big enough to accommodate the three girls, Edward and Emmett, though by the dead feeling in his chest and arms, Emmett appeared to have slept on top of Edward for most of the night.

Alice was sprawled across the top of the bed, with Bella resting her head on Alice's abdomen and Rosalie curled around Bella. Alice's crown was still attached to her head. Bella was sleeping with her mouth open while Rosalie snored softly.

"They're sort of adorable when they're unconscious aren't they?" Edward asked. In stark contrast, his few memories of the previous night consisted mainly of the girls using various imaginative expletives and Rosalie producing a particularly impressive burp after her third tumbler of champagne.

Emmett nodded. "Are you going to go back to sleep so I can lie on you again or am I going to have to use Bellie as a human pillow?"

"Definitely not going back to sleep. My chest feels like it went head to head with…I don't know – the Alps or something," Edward said as he got up off the bed and stumbled over to the bathroom.

"Fine, but you're missing out on some good Emmett loving," Emmett shouted after him as he yanked Bella away from Rosalie and tried to snuggle up to her.

As Edward shut the bathroom door he could hear an annoyed, feminine voice shouting. "Emmett, what the fuck? Get the hell off me!"

He could hear shuffling through the door and then a loud thump as if something very heavy hit the floor.

As Edward was rooting around in the bathroom cabinet the door opened.

"Are you decent?" Bella asked.

"Bit too late to ask now isn't it?"

"Yes, I suppose so. What are you looking for?"

"A spare toothbrush. I feel as if someone has been conducting dubious bio-chemistry experiments in my mouth."

Bella handed him a wrapped toothbrush from a small wicker box. Edward took in her appearance. Usually Bella was unquestionably lovely. But their night of underage drinking had taken its toll even on her flawless complexion.

"You look like shit you know," Edward informed her.

_Brain+Mouth+Filter=Nonexistent. Way. To. Go._

"I know," she conceded as she looked in the mirror. Edward also turned to inspect his reflection and started.

There were black markings all over his chest.

"What the hell is that?"

"Well as far as I can recall, at some point during the night you tried to write 'I am the Captain of the Ship' across your chest in mirror-writing."

"Looks like I fucked it up."

"You also arranged those Gummi Bears on Emmett's forehead. I think you said something about the Corona Borealis constellation…"

"I crowned him!" A smile spread across Edward's face as realisation dawned on him. "Thanks, I'd been wondering where I'd seen that motif before."

They heard giggling from the bedroom, and then Alice's singing drifted through the door.

_'…__I'm coming out_

_I want the world to know…'_

It was very off-key.

Both Edward and Bella grimaced, while cradling their aching heads in their hands.

"I knew it," Bella said, "her soul is as black as her hair."

xxx

"Haha!" Carlisle doubled over laughing. "You look like an ashtray or something!"

Edward disapprovingly looked at his father laughing his ass off. "Shouldn't you be lecturing me on the perils of underage drinking? I mean you're my father _and_ a doctor. Go ground me or something! Don't ever let me do that again," he said as he walked down the steps of the porch towards his father's car.

Edward wasn't sure at what time they had stopped drinking, but it couldn't have been before 3 a.m. In any case, he still felt a little drunk, and therefore would have to pick up Oliver at a later point.

"I don't know," Carlisle replied, "kind of looks like you learned your lesson."

"Not soon enough," Edward mumbled as he got into the Volvo.

"I trust you had a good night," Carlisle commented.

"I was initiated."

"Black cloaks and candles?"

"A pink toy rabbit." Edward's expression was somewhere between a smile and a grimace.

Carlisle shook his head. "Freaking straight-edge kids…" Then he narrowed his eyes at his son. "You know how I went to 'Guy's Night' on Tuesday?"

Edward nodded.

"You kind of remind me of what the Chief of staff looked like afterwards. I'm telling you, give him tequila flavoured beer and that guy's crazy with a side of mad as a hatter."

Edward eyed his father curiously. "Tequila flavoured beer?"

Carlisle shrugged. "We need to make our own entertainment when we're not on the job!"

Then his expression turned serious. "It looks like you enjoyed yourself, but please don't get that drunk again. I don't want to end up having to pump your stomach one night."

"I think I can safely promise you that. I really did not know that Champagne could have such a flamboyant effect."

"Champagne?" Carlisle asked.

"Yep, only the finest for Sir Edward," his son muttered.

xxx

_'…__In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight…'_

Edward's nose and left brow twitched, as if they were trying to warn him of impending doom.

_'…__In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight…'_

Now his upper lip joined the party. His facial features were clearly trying to spell out 'Danger afoot!', but Edward was still blissfully ignorant.

_"…__AWEEEE-EE-EEEE-EE-EEEE-UM-UM-BUWAAYY!..."_

Edward felt something, or probably someone, jumping on top of him and his eyes popped open immediately. A strange sense of déjà-vu overcame him.

"Wakey wakey, Sleeping Beauty!"

As soon as he had got through the door after being picked up from Alice's house Edward had simply collapsed on his bed and fallen asleep. It was now dark outside, so he felt particularly proud of the productive way in which he had spent his Saturday.

"Yo Dumbo! Get up! It's eight o'clock and you still haven't showered."

Edward groaned, and rolled over to look at the girl sitting on the edge of his bed.

"What the hell is with all the Disney references, Alice?"

She shrugged. "I live for that stuff."

"And how on earth did you get into my house?"

"Your sexy housemate let me in."

"Please don't talk about my dad like that," Edward said as he stretched his arms over his head.

Alice wrinkled her nose. "Jesus, Edward! Are your arm pits trying to establish their own eco-system or something? Go shower!"

"Ok, fine." Edward walked into his bathroom. "Why are you round, anyway?" he shouted through the closed bathroom door.

"I'm bored. You're doing something with Rosie and me this evening."

"Where are the others?" Edward asked while spreading some toothpaste on his brush.

"Well, Bella just starts bitchin' when you wake her before she's ready to get up. One time she kind of kicked me out of her house. And an army of dancing, outsized Krispy Kremes couldn't wake Emmett out of one of his hangover naps. You and Rose were the only ones I was able to annoy out of bed. She took longer to convince than you did actually."

Once Edward had finished his shower and got dressed, he walked downstairs to the living room, where he found Carlisle and Alice intently watching _Idol_.

"If I come out with you tonight, will you promise to never sing again while I have a headache?"

Alice turned to him and thought about this for a moment. "That seems fair. I'll try. Anyway, Rosie just sent me a text. She said that she was just starting to cook dinner for the three of us, so get your jacket and then we can go."

Alice hopped up from the sofa and Carlisle grabbed the remote control with a gleeful expression, "Excellent, Steven Seagal box set – come to Daddy!"

Alice turned to him with a mock appalled expression. "But weren't you trying to work out whether Ryan Seacrest highlights his sideburns?"

Carlisle very deliberately pressed the 'Play' button on the DVD control and grinned at her. "I guess I'll never know now…"

Alice just shook her head and waved at his father, but Edward could distinguish a mumbled '…lucky that he's so pretty…' as she walked past him towards her car.

xxx

From the outside Rosalie's house reminded Edward unpleasantly of the house he and his father had occupied in Forks. It wasn't as big, but had the same sterile, impersonal air about it.

Alice locked her car and opened the front door of the house without knocking.

Edward followed her.

They entered just in time to hear a stream of expletives being hurled from the kitchen, which ended in "Ahh! Motherfucking butthole!"

"She's big on her oxymorons," Alice said as they walked through to the kitchen.

Rosalie was standing in her kitchen, barefoot, with an apron tied around her body. "Sorry, guys I think dinner may be going down the crapper."

Alice took a look into one of the pots on the stove. "Hmm, is that supposed to look like a pot full of snot, or is that just an unfortunate side effect?"

Rosalie looked defeated. "It's curry."

Alice got out three small spoons from a drawer and handed one each to Rosalie and Edward. "We'll try it. If it's edible, I guess we're having Thai Green Bogey for dinner."

Edward tentatively dipped his spoon into the curry and tasted it. It was barely fit for human consumption.

"No offense, Rose," Alice said after trying her own sample, "But this is kind of what I imagine earwax to taste like."

"Maybe you should stick to baking," Edward encouraged.

"Ok then - sandwiches anyone?" Rose asked.

Rosalie slapped together oversized chunks of bread, and piled several sandwiches onto a big platter which she carried out of the kitchen and up the stairs, while Edward and Alice followed her.

As he entered Rosalie's bedroom Edward realised how little he actually knew about her. Rosalie's quick wit and fierce loyalty were qualities that he had been privy to since he had met her. It hadn't taken him long to see the person behind the cheerleading uniform and the beautiful face, and yet he realised that he had been completely underestimating Rosalie Hale.

The room was a complete contrast to the rest of the house. It was dominated by a four by four foot, framed, pencil drawing of a man's nether region. A whiteboard hung over Rosalie's bed with a view of the Golden Gate Bridge drawn on it in intricate detail. Ringo Starr stared at Edward from a black and white painting. The walls, which were covered in paintings, photographs and postcards, and floorboards were painted black, with only the ceiling and skirting boards left white. All the furniture was of a dark, heavy wood.

While she chose an album to play on her computer, Edward understood that Alice had had no say in the decoration of Rosalie's room.

_'…__I can never forget you - the way you rock the girls  
They move a world and love you - a blast in the underworld…'_

Nor, apparently, in her choice of music.

As they sat on Rosalie's Campbell's Soup print duvet covers, eating what to Edward seemed to be surely some of the largest peanut butter and jelly sandwiches known to mankind, he remembered something that he had wanted to ask for a few days, but had not had the opportunity to.

"So what the hell is the deal with Angela Weber?"

Edward felt that subtlety was overrated.

Rosalie rolled her eyes. "It's a freaking long-ass story, but I can give you the basic outline if you like."

Edward nodded and shrugged his shoulders at the same time - a rare feat.

_Yeah, ambiguity is the way forward._

"Basically it all stems from her friendship with Jasper Whitlock." Rosalie shook her head. "The guy's a little nuts. Not dangerous nuts, just…well to be honest I really don't know what his childhood trauma is. Angela befriended him shortly after he turned a little weird. She had a boyfriend at the time – Ben Cheney. They'd been together since kindergarten or something. Anyway, I don't think Jasper liked Angela in a romantic way or anything but he got really possessive over her. The entire school basically watched as he manipulated her into spending all her time with him. After a while some nasty rumours started going round about Ben…"

"Like what?" Edward asked.

Rosalie shook her head. "It doesn't matter. By the time everyone realised that the rumours weren't true he'd already dropped out. I think he's doing quite well for himself, though. I haven't seen him since then but I heard he's making good money creating IPhone apps."

Alice curled up on Rosalie's bed and yawned. "I heard he married a Playboy bunny in Vegas."

"So after Ben left, Angela started hanging out with some of her old friends again. Newton and Jess Stanley mostly, but only at school. After school she was only ever around Jasper. It's been like that for the past couple of years."

"Until now," Edward surmised.

Rosalie nodded.

"So what happened?"

She shrugged. "I don't think even Angela knows, and it's not like anyone's going to ask Jasper. Maybe he just got bored…"

"I don't like him," Edward stated.

Rosalie smiled a little. "I don't either."

"I mean what's with all the staring at lunchtime. It's systematic mind-buggery or something."

Rosalie's laugh was interspersed with a soft snoring sound. Alice had fallen asleep.

Edward looked at her and huffed. "That's just all kinds of ironic."

xxx

On Monday Edward and Emmett were strolling around downtown Ashland in search of sweet food stuffs in order to alleviate a sugar craving they had been experiencing that afternoon.

"I'm thinking something along the lines of a cupcake," Emmett mused.

"Or petits fours," Edward replied, remembering the tiny, iced creations Rosalie had brought to lunch that day. _So much better than Thai Green Bogey._

"Sounds good, but I'm drawing the line at freaking sugar flowers."

"Sugar _paste_ flowers," Edward corrected him solemnly.

"Whatever man, they're gay," Emmett said, turning into a side road and suddenly stopping in his tracks.

Edward looked ahead, towards the bakery. Standing outside with an excited looking dog was Bella. She looked perfectly at ease with the boy standing next to her.

A boy who had bleached blonde, unkempt hair and wore dark, washed out clothes.

"What the fuck?" Emmett said. Loudly.

xxx

**A/N:** So I hope this was worth the wait. Leave a review if you liked this chapter, although with the amount of time it took me to post this, I don't really feel like I deserve it.

See you soon :)


	8. The Queen of Avoidance and 1892

**A/N:** Turn around time for this chapter was much better than for the last one, right? Real life is still so crazy, that it makes _anything_ I write seem normal, so…I hope this chapter makes sense?

I own a pair of sparkly trainers that leave a trail of silver glitter wherever I go. Like fairy dust. I do not own _Twilight_.

I shall leave you with a short passage from Whitman's 'Song of Myself'. Keep it in mind for the latter part of this chapter :)

_To behold the day-break!_

_The little light fades the immense and diaphanous shadows, _

_The air tastes good to my palate._

xxx

**Chapter 8. The Queen of Avoidance and 1892**

"_What the fuck?" Emmett said. Loudly. _

Bella and Jasper Whitlock turned towards them. When they recognised Emmett and Edward they both looked surprised. Bella's dog began to wag its tail frantically when it saw Emmett. But Bella's expression quickly turned wary while Jasper's was more aggressive.

"Is he bothering you?" Emmett asked Bella and took a step forward. He had straightened up, so that he appeared even larger than usual. He was now towering over both Edward and Jasper.

"No, not at all," Bella said decisively. "In fact, we were talking about the History assignment we both have to complete until the end of the week. Jasper has some very interesting ideas about the way the Confederates fought during the Civil-"

"Why were you talking to him?"

"Why wouldn't I?" Bella's expression turned challenging, while Jasper's turned smug.

Emmett seemed at a loss for words.

"It's Whitlock," he eventually managed to say, subtly attempting to angle his body towards Bella, but away from Jasper.

"And…?"

Emmett seemed to be furiously, but silently, organising his thoughts to come up with an appropriate response.

"Look at what he did to Angela!"

Bella looked somewhat disbelieving. "You know perfectly well that she has bigger problems than Jasper."

"Alright, what about Ben Cheney? Kate? Billy Bl-"

"You have _no_ idea what the fuck you're talking about!" Jasper Whitlock shouted and took a step towards Emmett. His face was contorted with rage and another emotion Edward couldn't identify.

"Jazz…" Bella put a hand on his arm.

"_Jazz_?" Emmett shouted in a high pitched tone that would have been comical at any other moment. "Jazz? What the fuck is going on? Is he your new BFF? Are you the one with one of those 'I'm with Stupid' shirts, or is he?"

Edward tried to calm him down. "Look, maybe this isn't the best place to talk about this. Those kids over at the ice cream parlour look as if they're going to pee themselves any minute. Maybe if we go somewhere else then Bella can just explain everything properly."

"How exactly do you have any say in this, Pretty Boy?" Jasper asked him. It was the first time he had ever addressed Edward. "She doesn't have to explain herself to _you_. She doesn't owe anything to anyone, least of all to you girls. It's not-"

Jasper's mouth didn't get to finish that sentence, because at that precise moment Jasper's mouth encountered the force of Emmett's right fist for the first time. It wouldn't be the last he would see of it.

In fact, the second time followed very swiftly. Emmett got a couple of good punches in before Edward was able to pull him away. It was a difficult task as the commotion caused by Emmett's sudden eruption of violence had quite animated Mary, who was now attempting to doggy pile both Emmett and Jasper, as well as Edward who was only trying to help.

"What the fuck, man? That was starting to feel really good," Emmett complained and tried to shake off Edward, who was trying to restrain him.

"What the hell did you go and do that for?" Bella shouted at Emmett. Her face was reddened and angry.

Emmett's expression was equally furious. "He's an ass, Bella."

"Oh, I'm sorry. I seem to remember that _you're_ the person who did the punching!"

"Are you calling me an ass?"

"Why did you punch him?"

"He was provoking me."

"Emmett stop it!" Bella shouted. "This has nothing to do with you!"

"What the hell are you talking about? Are you actually defending this creep?" Emmett said, very obviously pointing at Jasper, who seemed to be feeling his nose and jaw line for fractures. He didn't seem too keen to retaliate to either Emmett's physical or verbal attack, which Edward felt was probably a wise decision.

"I am defending my right to be friends with who _I_ choose. Not who _you_ approve of."

"You're _friends_ with him?"

Emmett looked appalled. Jasper on the other hand looked happy. If moody and scruffy can ever look happy.

"As a matter of fact, I am," Bella answered.

Edward remembered the way Jasper had stared at him and Bella the previous Wednesday. "I don't understand. If you're friends with him, why did he give you such a dirty look last week?" he asked.

Jasper didn't look inclined to give a helpful answer, but Bella was about to reply when Emmett suddenly raised his voice. "Hang on! Does this have something to do with why you're not talking to Jacob anymore?"

Bella, for the first time, looked worried. "What makes you think I'm not talking to Jacob anymore?"

"I'm not stupid."

Jasper muttered something under his breath. Edward hadn't been able to catch it, but Emmett who was standing closer to Jasper had obviously heard, because he turned towards him. "Was the first time enough for you or would you like _another_ mouthful of fist, Marilyn?" Then he turned back to Bella.

"It's been a while since I've heard you talk about Jacob, and even longer since I've seen you with him. We all knew something was going on, but we didn't know what was wrong. Is this it? Did you abandon him for this piece of superfluity?" he said, pointing at Jasper.

Bella was visibly incensed. "What happened between Jacob and I is my business, just as it is my business who I choose to spend my time with. You will not hit one of my friends. I wouldn't let him do it to you. Brute force is for animals Emmett! Even Mary is more refined than that." She pointed at the Border Collie next to her, then turned on her heel and stormed back towards the main street, swiftly followed by Jasper.

Emmett shouted after them. "Fine! Be the Queen of Avoidance waited on by Sir Goldilocks!"

The little kids outside of the ice cream parlour had completely forgotten about the sweetened milk fat running down their forearms. In their minds this was the most exciting thing to happen in Ashland since one of the little Marks twins peed himself on stage during the nativity play the previous year.

Edward scratched his head. "Did that really just happen?"

xxx

The next morning Edward had what he could easily describe as the most uncomfortable English class he had ever lived through.

Bella was sitting in between Edward and Alice. Conversation was sporadic to say the least. Even Alice, who usually had to be gagged to be kept reliably quiet, had trouble making facetious dialogue.

When the bell rang Bella quickly gathered her things and left, shooting her friends apologetic looks.

At noon Alice and Edward were a little late to lunch as their Biology class had overrun. They found Emmett and Rosalie glumly staring at a Tupperware lunchbox sitting between them on the bleachers.

"What's been eating your happy pills, guys?" Alice asked.

Rosalie silently handed her a post-it that had been attached to the box. Alice briefly inspected the note and rolled her eyes. She handed the note to Edward.

_Sorry guys. Love you._

_Bella_

Alice shook her head. "Such a freaking drama queen."

Emmett pulled a face. "She even made apple flapjacks. She knows I love those things…"

"I guess at least something good is coming of this then," Rosalie remarked.

"Yes, but it's a high price to pay."

xxx

The wooden spatula was feeling Edward's frustration. Poor wooden spatula.

Edward was aggressively stirring cookie mixture in a bowl. Every now and then little bits of the brown concoction would fly out of the receptacle and distribute themselves around the kitchen. Edward was already covered in many a merry splatter, but for want of readily available, punch-able blonde haired assholes he would have to make do with continuing to take out his aggression on the cookie dough.

Carlisle came home from work, exhausted but happy to find his son baking.

"Whatcha making?" he asked, but quickly corrected himself, when he saw the force that Edward was applying.

"Whatcha killing?"

A small smile started to form around Edward's lips, which he quickly squashed, reinstating his grim expression in its rightful place.

"Triple Chocolate Cookies."

"Hmm, Death by Sugar High…interesting. And you thought that instead of serving your friends such a treat, it would be better used to redecorate the kitchen?"

Edward stopped his ministrations and inspected his immediate environment. Traces of cookie dough could be found everywhere from the floor and work surfaces to the windows. Somehow they had even managed to attractively drape themselves as far back as the door frame that led to the library.

_Looks like the aftermath of a particularly steamy round of mud wrestling._

"Nice work son," Carlisle commented.

Edward shrugged. "I'll clean it up later."

He then proceeded to place the dough on the baking tray, not in the orderly fashion of most civilised people by using a spoon, but by picking up a small portion with the spatula and then whipping the spatula over the tray which the mixture would then flick on to. In theory this method was relatively sound, however when applied in practice it frequently led to the target being missed and a clump of sugary brown-ness landing on the relatively shiny worktop.

Edward shrugged once more. _Eh, you win some, you lose some._

Carlisle, not usually the most domesticated person, though he was somewhat amused by this spectacle, could not bear to watch any longer. He walked over to his son, and gently removed the spatula from his hand. He then proceeded to place the mixture on to the baking paper with his usual precision.

"Something bothering you Edward?"

Edward made a non-commital noise, but then thought it would be good to get his thoughts off his chest. Poor abused wooden spatulas don't have much sympathy to bandy about.

"Well, Bella has fallen out with the people she has known since they still found playing Peekaboo with their mirror image amusing, and the little biotch who's responsible has hair that would put Courtney Love's excuse for protein filament to shame."

"As in she bleaches her hair?"

Edward shook his head. "It's a guy."

"That's dire." Carlisle carefully patted his own hair. "There's something wrong with guys who are bottle blonde. And girls who find them attractive."

"See that's the thing – I don't think she's actually interested in him in that way."

"And this is the reason you're all…" Carlisle waved his hand around, trying to come up with an appropriate word, "umm…sulky?" He finished placing the dough on the tray and Edward put it in to the oven.

"Sulky?"

"Fine, _morose _Mr OED!"

Edward shrugged. Then a small smile once again spread on his lips. This one stuck around. He nudged his head in the direction of the oven.

"Well I guess once these little guys have brought it on home I can just eat my feelings."

xxx

The rest of the week passed in a similar fashion as that Tuesday. English was a case of trying to make awkward conversation; lunch was spent in awkward silence. Seeing Bella and Jasper walking around campus together was awkward. Fielding people's nosy questions was awkward. Rumours were rife around the school and the student body was in general agreement that Bella was the new Angela.

Carlisle had agreed to cover a fellow surgeon's Friday night shift at the hospital, so after his father left at quarter to eleven that evening Edward wasn't sure what he was supposed to do with himself. Emmett and Rosalie were on a movie-and-dinner date and Alice had apologetically explained that she had a prior engagement. Even Jacob, who could usually be relied upon for some mischief or other, was unavailable.

Edward settled down in the library with a cup of coffee and a book, but it had been a busy day at school and after only a few pages Edward's eyelids started to droop and he nodded off.

He awoke some time later. What was left of the coffee had gone very cold. Edward frowned at the mug and went into the kitchen, got out the packet of coffee Carlisle had bought the previous day and inspected the label.

_Decaffeinated._

Edward could only shake his head.

He got his phone out of his pocket to check the time, and saw that there was a new message in his inbox which had been received a couple of minutes earlier. It had probably been this that had interrupted Edward's sleep.

_Are you up? – Bella_

Edward frowned and replied.

_It's three a.m. Why would I be up?_

He went to the refrigerator and got out some milk. Then he looked in the cupboard for cereal. There was only one option. A brand new, unopened box of Kellogg's Complete.

"He's seriously losing it." Edward muttered. Then his phone alerted him to a new text.

_Well you are now. So, you busy?_

Edward rolled his eyes.

_Yes, I'm studying plankton._

He poured some Bran Flakes into a bowl and added milk. Then he proceeded to stare at the bowl for some time. _Highly unappetising_, he thought. His phone beeped again.

_Fifteen minutes._

Edward frowned, not knowing what to make of that message. Eventually, he turned back to the bowl of cereal. Sudden inspiration hit him and he got out a packet of sugar, which he liberally poured over the bowl. He tasted a spoonful. _Much better…though slightly mushy…_

A quarter of an hour after he had received Bella's text Edward saw headlights approaching his house. He moved to the kitchen window for a better view. Bella's car was pulling up to the curb.

The crease between Edward's eyebrows deepened as he walked to the front door and opened it. Bella was already walking up the garden path. She was dressed in a thick jumper and Wellingtons. It was the first time he had seen her without the white sneakers.

"Thanks for opening the door; I thought I'd have to throw pebbles at your window or something equally suburban."

"Don't you sleep? Why are you here?" Edward asked.

"Why are you still in yesterday's clothes?" Bella countered immediately.

"I feel asleep on the couch." Edward ushered her into the kitchen.

Bella nodded in assent. "Radical." She looked around and noticed the box of cereal. "Kellogg's Complete? Those Lucky Charms must be feeling the pain of your abandonment."

Edward wouldn't be deterred from his original question. "What are you doing here in the middle of the night?"

Bella turned to him with a nonchalant expression. "How do you feel about going for a drive?"

xxx

"No. Freaking. Way."

Edward sat in Bella's passenger seat and couldn't believe what she was asking him to do.

"It's fun."

"It's illegal."

Bella cocked her head to the side. "It's for the greater good."

_She's insane. She's clinically insane. Why did I never see this before? Is she even fit to drive? _

"So you go out at night – _on your own_ – and do this?"

"It makes me feel useful."

"Isn't your Dad the Chief of Police? I mean, weren't you brought up with very set rules about social order and all that? How would he feel if he knew that his daughter was an anarchist?"

Bella rolled her eyes. "Anarchy? Don't you think that's a slight exaggeration? I mean this isn't exactly a flag burning party…"

Edward considered this and tried to approach the subject from a different angle. "It's seriously girly."

She shrugged her shoulders. "If you hang out with Alice the girlieness is bound to rub off at some point. We should at least try to channel it into a productive direction. Like sublimation you know?"

Edward looked at Bella blankly.

"Freud?" she asked.

Edward shuddered. "I think we can all agree that Freud was wrong. Let's move on."

He shuddered again. "I'm going to pretend that didn't rhyme." He felt it was time to move the conversation along. "Why did you choose this place?"

She shrugged. "It looks so bare. When I drive past here in spring it always bugs me."

"Do the others know about this weird little habit of yours?"

Bella looked at him incredulously. "Of course they don't. They would think that I'm crazy."

Edward resisted the impulse to comment.

"Come on, we haven't spent that much time together. This could be our thing; this and Whitman."

Edward's resolve was wavering. Bella's eyes glinted and she grabbed a black thermos flask from her cup holder. "I brought poison," she said, shaking the flask.

"Are you sure that we won't get caught?"

"No one will drive past here at this time. And even if someone sees us, they won't be able to do anything about it."

Edward looked at the thermos. "That'd better not be decaf."

Bella smiled widely and gave Edward a quick hug. It wasn't at all unpleasant. She was warm and soft.

"Ok, help me get the stuff from the back."

They arranged all their supplies between two large elm trees. The grassy area bordered a small junction on a deserted bit of highway just outside of Ashland. Bella had parked the Daihatsu so the headlights would be illuminating the spot they were working in. She had even left a CD playing in the car.

_'…__How long has it been, shall we get into it again?  
Excuse, our disgrace we've had no time to paint the place  
The dog is always barking at the mailman…'_

Edward was still sceptical. "I've never done this before."

"It's easy – I'll show you." Bella grabbed one of the small hand-spades, and dug a small hole into the grass. "They go in at three times their depth and because they're small you can space them around four to six inches apart. Then you cover it again and fertilise." She pointed at a bag of bonemeal fertiliser with her spade.

"All this for some freaking daffodils…" Edward muttered as he got to work. Suddenly there was a flash and a clicking sound behind him. He turned around to see Bella with a Polaroid camera in her hands.

"Incriminating evidence?" Edward asked.

"Something like it," Bella answered. She put the camera back into her car but came back with the Polaroid and pulled a Sharpie out of her pocket. She wrote something on the bottom and handed the picture to Edward.

_'…__Hello my friend, I see you're back again  
Hello mystery, don't bother to explain…'_

As it developed Edward began to discern his own shape planting a daffodil bulb in the ground. Bella had added a caption at the bottom.

_Edward Cullen. Guerrilla Gardener._

xxx

"So how often do you do that?" Edward asked.

Bella shrugged. They sat on a park bench in downtown Ashland, cloaked in twilight.

A new day was dawning across the town, but the sun was not yet visible. Instead, a grey haziness was spread across the park and the large pond they were facing.

"Whenever inspiration strikes, I suppose. You know that flower bed that looks like the Red Cross symbol outside of the McDonald's?" Edward nodded. "That's one of mine."

Edward smiled but his eyelids were beginning to get tired once again.

"Oh." Bella seemed to have remembered the backpack she had taken out of her car when they entered the park. She pulled out the thermos flask full of coffee. "I think you've earned this," she said as she filled the cup and passed it to Edward. Then she pulled out a familiar looking Tupperware container and an Ipod.

"Breakfast." Bella explained. She handed him a Danish of which Edward took a bite.

_Apple Danish. Unusual. But somehow…_

"It's good."

Bella thanked him.

"What's with the apple thing?"

She shot him a questioning look.

"Everything you bake has apples in it."

Bella coloured slightly. "They're simple. And comforting. And super cool, obviously."

She gave him one of her Ipod's earbuds and cued a song.

_'…__With the wild wolves around you  
In the morning, I'll call you  
Send it farther on…'_

At 6.58 in the morning, the sun broke across the horizon, bathing the park, the pond, the bench, Bella and Edward in a rich golden light.

_'…__What might have been lost -  
Don't bother me…'_

"Do you do this a lot, too?" Edward asked as they watched the sun rise.

"Only sometimes. If I feel I've been particularly productive that night."

"It's nice." _Slight understatement._

"Yeah, but I could kill for a steak right about now," Bella said. She eyed Edward appraisingly, then shook her head. "Too skinny."

"I'm going to ignore the cannibalism reference _and_ the slight on my physique and agree that a steak would be great. Meat rocks my world."

Bella nodded. "Mine too. We should see if we can find the best steak in the world. Go on a steak road trip or something."

"Like through Argentina?"

"Yes, let's train it!"

"Nah," Edward shook his head, "I hate trains. They're like fog machines on wheels."

"You do realise times have moved on since 1892, right?"

Edward shrugged and grew serious. They had been avoiding one particular subject all night, but he felt that it needed to be addressed.

"So what happens now? With the others?"

"I've been thinking about that. Jasper feels bad about what happened."

Edward's expression was somewhat disbelieving.

Bella rolled her eyes. "He _kind of _feels bad about it. But he said that he doesn't want to cause a rift, so I guess I should be doing some damage control with Emmett in particular. And it's my turn to bring dessert on Monday, so I'll be using my entire prowess to seduce his taste buds."

"No post-it's though, ok? I think everybody would prefer it if you were there in person."

Bella smiled. "I'll be there."

xxx

**A/N:** Leave me some love. Asking for reviews – shameless, isn't it?


	9. BAC Day and Manly Mona

**A/N:** I was going to post this yesterday, but fanfiction spazzed out on me :( Sorry.

Also, I may have replied twice to some reviews, but at least overkill is better than nothing...

If it is possible to _have_ an addiction, is it possible to _own_ one? If so then I own an addiction to hot beverages. I don't own _Twilight_.

xxx

**Chapter 9. BAC-Day and Manly Mona**

"I am vermin, I am scum, I am the weird fluff that sometimes accumulates in your belly button."

Emmett looked indignant. "And of particular interest to scatologists."

It was Bella's turn to look indignant. "Dude. Not cool."

"Say it," Emmett commanded.

"Fine. I am also of particular interest to scatologists; I am poop." Bella glowered at the muscular boy next to her. "You know I've known you for a very long time Emmett. I have dirt on you."

Emmett looked sheepish. "Ok, you can stop grovelling now. I forgive you." He looked at the plastic receptacle that sat innocently between them in no-man's land. "But I want what's in that box."

Bella smiled at him and lifted the lid.

Emmett groaned audibly. "Ok, I take back to scatology comment." He turned to Rosalie, Alice and Edward with triumph and fist-bumped Bella. "BAC is upon us once more!"

Alice and Rosalie cheered, while Edward simply looked confused. Emmett turned to him. "Sometimes I forget you're new. BAC is like Christmas without the presents and poultry. Which makes it sounds pretty dire, but it's not. I wish every day could be BAC-Day!"

Edward's expression was still one of complete blankness. "What's BAC? Beat-a-Clown? Bugger-a-car?"

"Eww." Alice's mouth was pulled into a disgusted twist. "Who would do that?"

Edward shrugged. "Petrolheads." Alice looked at him disbelievingly. "Some of them." Alice looked at him some more. "Very few, and the one's that do have issues, ok? What's BAC?"

Rosalie grinned. "Baked Apple Cheescake."

"What did you just say?"

"Baked Apple Cheesecake."

"I knew it!" Edward exclaimed to the surprise of the others. "She _was_ lying all along."

"Who was lying?" Bella asked with a concerned expression.

"My aunt. I always knew that no real cake could come out of a refrigerator – she pulled that one for a long time. I almost believed her."

Bella stared at him with a mixture of pity and incredulity. Without looking away she pulled out a brown paper bag that had been nestled in a corner of the Tupperware box and handed it to Emmett. "You won a bonus prize."

"Oooh, freebies!" Emmett said excitedly and peeked inside the bag, but quickly looked appalled. "What the fuck is that?"

Bella shifted uncomfortably. "Apple chips."

"What?" Emmett now looked slightly disorientated as if everything he had ever known was being disproven before his eyes.

"You know – like potato chips but with apples instead…"

"I swear hanging out with Whitlock has taken a few pennies off your shilling."

"It's done what?" It was Bella's turn to look confused.

"It's made you go spinny."

There was no intelligible response from Bella.

"Bushed? Out to lunch? Meshuga? Round the twist?"

Bella frowned, but Edward suspected that she was only playing dumb to annoy Emmet, who now face-palmed himself. "Absolutely fucking crazy?"

"Ohhh." Bella's face of realisation was not very convincing. "I thought those were euphemisms for _freaking magnificent_."

"I rarely use the word 'magnificent' and when I do it's only a suffix to the statement 'I say, that piece of wild boar is shagging etc."

"The wild board is shagging?"

"Shagging magnificent."

"So what you're in fact saying is that you only use the word 'magnificent' when you are the secret lovechild of Obelix and Austin Powers?"

"You know, I would actually love to see what their spawn would look like."

Feeling that the conversation was getting too abstract, Edward interjected a general invitation to go to the movies that evening.

Bella and Alice looked apologetic. "Sorry, but Alice and I volunteered to pull an extra shift at the store this afternoon. Esme sprained her ankle on Saturday morning."

Emmett looked upset. "Oh no! I'll come by this afternoon to bring her flowers or some sentimental crap like that."

"You don't even bring me flowers," Rosalie complained.

"Aunt Esme's sexier," her boyfriend commented.

"Ok, well I'll go to the cinema with you Edward," Rosalie said. "_Pincers IX_ is out, and I heard they've brought back the guy who had to rip out his third nipple in the second film."

xxx

Rosalie and Edward were preparing dinner in the Cullen's kitchen, after they came back from the movies. Following the Thai Green Bogey incident they had made simplicity their aim and were cooking pasta.

"Rosalie, can I ask you something?" Edward asked anxiously.

"Of course."

"Um, it might be none of my business, but…this whole Jasper thing - why doesn't anyone like him?"

Rosalie sat down at the kitchen table. "You're friends with Jacob Black, right?"

Edward was confused. "Yes, what does th-"

"You know his father? Billy?"

"Sure." Edward's brow furrowed.

"Do you know how Billy ended up in a wheelchair?"

Edward shook his head.

Rosalie delicately sipped at her glass of water.

"Jasper's been an outsider for so long I hardly remember how it started. At the beginning it was stupid things, not turning up to class, disruptive behaviour, those sorts of things. Then smoking, vandalism…he was really good at not getting caught but everyone knew when he'd done something…"

"Not really a reason for being the town pariah, though," Edward mused.

Rosalie shook her head. "A few years ago he got lost in the woods – probably messing around in there when he shouldn't have been. I think Billy was out on a hike that day. He stumbled across some of Jasper's belongings and went around looking for him. He called a search party out, too, but he eventually found him at the bottom of a ledge. It was dark and had been raining that day, so apparently the slope was muddy. Billy slipped down and landed on a tree stump which broke his back. He's been in that stupid thing ever since."

"Oh."

Rosalie shrugged. "The whole thing was awful."

"But, it wasn't Jasper's fault."

"Didn't make things easier for him. You have to understand that he wasn't exactly well-liked before that, and since then he started causing more and more trouble. Bella's father can't stand Jasper. He constantly gets call-outs because of him. I don't understand how he's not in juvvie…"

Edward was silent for a while.

"I guess I can see why Jacob doesn't like him." He checked the pasta and figuring it was cooked drained it through the colander. "What about Bella? Why does she…"

"I don't know what's going on there." Rosalie answered, "Maybe she knows something we don't."

"Seems doubtful."

"I know." Rosalie opened a jar of pesto and rifled through the cutlery drawer for a spoon. Then she halted and righted herself. "But Edward, Bella may seem pretty naïve most of the time, but she's not stupid. I'm sure she has her reasons for…being friends with him. I have a lot of confidence in Bella. It's Jasper I don't trust."

xxx

"So, which play are you guys choosing?" Bella asked, as Edward was fascinatedly watching Alice defrizz her hair. The drizzle that had been faithfully spraying down all day long had left her with adorable ringlety strands around her face that were being mercilessly brushed out.

It was Tuesday and that morning Mr Masen had given them an assignment to choose a play and write up a detailed account of how they would stage it. They were now congregated around Edward's car, catching up at the end of the day before returning home. Rosalie had driven herself and Emmett home already to spend the afternoon together.

"_Legally Blonde The Musical_," Alice answered swiftly. She stowed her brush and the clear gel-like substance she had been using on her hair in her bag and jumped down from Oliver's hood. "See you tomorrow!" she threw over her shoulder before her tiny form disappeared behind the sliver and green Grand Move that belonged to Angela.

Edward turned to Bella with a nonplussed expression. She shook her head. "She'll probably end up doing _A Streetcar Named Desire_ or something." Bella huffed, and leaned her chin on her hand, her elbow rested on the faded red hood of the truck. "So what about you? Have you given it any thought yet?"

"I'm not sure; I was thinking of going to the big bookstore downtown and hope that inspiration hits. Wanna come?"

Bella smiled and that was how Edward found himself in the dusty second-hand section on the top floor of the _Blue Bird_ bookstore twenty minutes later. His nose was itching from the several years' worth of filth that had accumulated on top of the volumes, but surrounded by hundreds if not thousands of books, some of which he knew well, some of which he had never even heard of, Edward felt comfortable. He had practically grown up in places like this, following Carlisle on his endless quests for rare editions, new copies of dilapidated favourites, or simply something he had never read.

Bella stumbled on the carpet and caught herself on a shelf displaying Fielding and Richardson novels, where she remained for some time, while Edward wandered off to find more contemporary literature.

Bella found him half an hour later, sitting next to the stairs, leaning against the rickety railing.

"What are you doing?"

He looked up. "Reading?"

Bella looked at him with a funny expression, turned to eye the empty comfortable looking couch not ten feet away from him, and looked back at Edward.

"On the floor?"

Edward nodded. "Sure; floors rock. Where would we be without them?"

"On the couch."

Edward shook his head. "Couch wouldn't have anything to stand on. Without floors _we_ wouldn't have anything to stand on. Or sit on, or lie on. We'd just be floating around in a sea of nothing-ness, which would be…"

"…weightless?"

"Unproductive."

"Because sitting on the floor reading _House of Leaves_ is so industrious?"

"Industry is beside the point when it's not _my_ point. Why exactly were you questioning the area I choose to park myself in?"

Bella shrugged. "Inappropriate curiosity. It's a recognised condition."

"Shouldn't you be taking medication for that?"

"I would, but I invest all my cash in pokémon cards."

"Is there still money in that?"

"The market's slowing down, but I'm diversifying my portfolio."

"How so?"

She looked at the ceiling, as if appealing for patience, her long eyelashes brushing her brows. "I make up theme songs for the clubs at school to earn extra money. The last one was for the mathletes and it was about one guy who went to a bar and all he had were three peanuts from five 'til seven."

"Why?"

"Those mathletes like their prime numbers."

"No, why did he only eat three peanuts?"

"He was on an all-legume diet."

Edward rolled his eyes.

Bella smiled at him. "Come on, let's go make Mr. Masen happy." She offered him her hand and Edward took it. It was soft, warm and electric.

Edward remembered the first time he had touched Bella's hand. The only time he had touched her skin.

The buzzing current connecting them.

"What _is_ that?" Bella looked at their hands.

"I don't know, but it makes me feel like a phone set to _vibrate_."

xxx

The weather had grown wetter and windier by the time they had made their purchases. Bella pulled up the hood of her jacket while Edward put on a woollen hat that had been tumbling around, unused, in his backpack for a while. Then they stared at the dark rain splattering onto the pavement outside.

"Coffee?" Bella asked.

Edward nodded. "Yep."

They madly dashed to the nearest café and chose seats next to a radiator, water pearling off their shoulders.

_'…__Dark winters wear you down  
up again to see the dawn…'_

By the time their coffees and cookies arrived they had sufficiently warmed up again.

"…So he steals the painting."

"He steals the Chagall?" Edward asked.

Bella nodded. "It's wonderful. There's God, mystery, war veterans and Yiddish fairy tales. And Marc Chagall." She smiled and picked up a chocolate chip cookie. "I'm sorry I missed your triple chocolate offerings last week."

"Well, I am on dessert duty twice next week. I'm sure I could pull some strings…"

xxx

On Friday, Edward came home after a satisfying late-afternoon-snack, courtesy of Mrs. McCarthy. He found Carlisle in his bedroom, putting on a nice looking tie.

"Are you pulling another extra shift?"

Carlisle looked appalled and inspected himself in the mirror. "Do I really look like I'm going to work?"

"Um, yes; isn't that the aim?"

"Oh God, this isn't good." Carlisle sat down on his bed and put his head in his hands.

"What's wrong?" Edward asked, worried that his father was going through a mid-life crisis. _If he buys a Mercedes, I am not putting up with that shit._

"Edward, I need help."

"Ok, I'm listening." _Seriously. No Mercedes._

Carlisle looked uncomfortable. "I need fashion help…"

_Oh God, it's so much worse than I had thought. Please don't let him buy a leather jacket, please don't let him buy a leather jacket…_

"To go to work?"

"I'm not going to work."

Edward was puzzled. "Where are you going?"

Carlisle looked sheepish. "Um, dinner."

"Dad, I've seen you covered in mud and wearing a bandana. You don't have to make an effort for me _or_ the kitchen."

"No, I'm going out."

"By that you mean that I'm not invited? I'm hurt father."

"Well, luckily you don't need to rely on me for a social life. Call one of your friends, or just walk across the road to Emmett's."

"So, who are you going with?"

"Um, just someone I met."

"Oh, have you made a friend? Why don't you invite him over for a drink or something first? I want to make sure he's ok – can't have you falling in with a bad crowd."

His father looked sheepish. "It's a woman."

"I'm sorry?"

"It's a lady."

"You're having dinner with a _woman_?"

"Yes." Carlisle started to blush.

"A _real_ woman?"

"Yes." The blush began to spread.

"As in a date?" _Would this count as a symptom of a mid-life crisis?_

"It's a woman. It's Friday night. It's dinner. Does that make it a date?"

"Is she single?"

"I hope so."

"Is she pretty?"

"Very."

"Then it's a date," Edward said decisively.

"Okay, I'm going on a date."

"I think I can only remember you ever going on one date."

"I've been on dates!" Carlisle defended. "Plural."

"Ok, maybe that one was just so bad that it burned itself into my memory, leaving no room for any other of your conquests."

"Which one was it?"

"Manly Mona."

"The kick-boxing instructor? She was nice."

"Her arms had prominent veins. That's how muscled she was. You only went out with her because you were afraid she'd hit you if you said no."

"Yeah, not my finest hour."

"So, who is this woman you're going out with? Anything I should know about her? Asthmatic? Narcotic? Red-neck ex-husband?"

Carlisle discarded the tie and pulled a dark sweater over his button up. "Maybe, I'm not sure. I've only known her for a few days. That's why I'm taking her out. If she has potential, I will introduce her to the wild foolishness resembling insanity that is Edward." He put a hand on Edward's shoulder. "Let's face it son – we are a package deal."

"Yeah, where do you think I got the insanity from?"

"Your Aunt."

"Nah, she's only lovably scatter-brained. There's a certain lack of common sense that can only be achieved by being your direct offspring – kind of like Rosemary's baby but the male version. Thing's better not go well with this lady tonight, because if you and her reproduce there may be two of us running around, which will create a black hole that will suck up the entire planet into a giant vacuum of-"

"Edward!"

"Yep?"

"Just wish me good luck."

Edward gave a relaxed salute. "_Bon chance_."

xxx

**A/N:** Ok, so in the first part of this chapter alone I referenced belly button fluff, scatology and relations with automobiles. I really don't know what to say…(or what not to say apparently).


	10. Eloquence and Star Ship Pop Tarts

**A/N: **Besides the fact that I do not own Twilight, I have one or two things I would like to state before I unleash the new chapter on you guys.

1) After much deliberation, and watching _New Moon_ twice, I have decided that I like Kristen Stewart. It took me a while, and I still think that Alexis Bledel would have made a killer Bella, but K-Stew is a cool kid. If the Hotness Monster wants to shack up with her that's cool. (I'll just stew in my own insane jealousy…)

2) _New Moon_ was epic.

3) Edward's dialogue was not. Exhibit A:

"_You give me everything just by breathing."_

Umm…*Miacakes thumbs through copy of _New Moon_, looks at Edward and shakes head, then notices script writers in the corner* - Fuckers.

xxx

**Chapter 10. Eloquence and Star Ship Pop Tarts**

Once Edward had pushed a nervous looking Carlisle out of the door he walked into his kitchen and stood by the window. He pulled his cell phone out of his pocket and dialled a number.

"_Emmett McCarthy's Den of Sin. What can I do you for, lovely lady?"_

"I hate you, Emmett."

"_I feed you every day, Cullen. What's _not_ to love?"_

"The girl references have to stop."

"_You have unusually pretty hair for a boy."_ Emmett explained. _"_And_ you call me 'Curly Wurly'?"_

"Yeah, sometimes I surprise myself with my eloquence."

Edward, who had a good view of the McCarthies house, could see Emmett pulling aside the curtains in his bedroom. When he noticed Edward standing by his kitchen window he said, _"Here's something else that's eloquent."_, and appeared to give him the finger.

"Loser."

"_Whore."_

"Bite me, Emmett."

"_Nah, you know how you can get mercury poisoning from eating too much sushi? Well, I have this theory that ingesting any part of you would make my penis retreat back into itself. Oestrogen overdose. I'm not willing to take that risk."_

"I swear to God-"

"_Uh-oh. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned…"_

Edward pulled his index finger across his throat as the universal sign of: 'I'm gonna get you motherfucker. I'm gonna stuff little beads up your willy, so that every time you need to pee it's going to hurt like hell _and_ you'll be pissing marbles.'

"_Anyway, why are you calling? Didn't I just kick your sorry ass out of my house an hour ago, after you ate the last of my ma's turkey sandwiches?"_

"What are you doing tonight?"

Edward could see Emmett sniffing his underarm. _"Taking a shower."_

"After that?"

"_I don't know. Getting a perm? I think the real question is what are _we_ doing tonight?"_

"Are the girls free?"

"_Sleepover."_

"I'm getting my PJ's."

Emmett shook his head. _"I tried to take part once. Trust me, it's not worth it. It's all art-house films and mud masks and whiny music. Not a pillow fight or French kiss in sight."_

"Oh."

"_Hey, we could have our own sleepover."_

"Emmett, be serious."

Edward could see him gesticulating energetically. _"No, no, it'll be great. We don't need to be with the girls in order to have fun. You'll see - our pyjama party will be so much better."_

"What will we do?"

"_Um, order pizza, watch _Kill Bill_…"_

"_Kill Bill_ and pizza sounds good. I'm starving."

"_You just ate."_

"I'm a growing boy!"

"_You're a pig!"_

"Are you going to come over or what?"

"_I'll get my sleeping bag."_

"I'll call Jacob. See if he wants to come."

xxx

An hour later Jacob pulled up in a black VW Rabbit.

"Nice car," Edwards remarked as he let him in.

"Thanks," Jacob grinned "I got that after we conned you into buying the truck."

"How thoughtful."

Emmett was sitting in Edward's living room, watching an old episode of _Extreme Makeover: Home Edition_. "Hey, Jake. You look good; did you do something with your hair?"

Jacob look worried. "Did Rosie tell you that you're too brash again?"

Emmett dropped his head. "She says I need to be more_ genteel_. Well," he picked up his Coke, "here's to failure." He drained the can and released a satisfying burp.

Their pizzas arrived an hour and a half later, halfway through the first _Kill Bill_ film.

"Thank God for that," Jacob said. "There's only so many times you can see Uma Thurman in that sexy-ass catsuit before it becomes repetitive."

"You think that's sexy?" Edward asked dubiously.

Jacob shrugged. "Sure. Don't you?"

"I think she looks like a banana."

"You guys, I'm bored!" Emmett whined.

"This was your idea," Edward remarked.

"I know, but chicks seem to get the better deal with sleepovers. They get beauty treatments and pretty girls. I got two hormonal gossip-queens. And you guys don't even have breasts."

Jacob's brows scrunched up, like two reasonably well-groomed caterpillars that were sleeping in the foetal position. "Um, we're sorry?"

Emmett huffed. "We need to make this a good night. I told Rosie that we're having our own sleepover and that ours will be better than the girls'."

"Now why would you do that?" Edward asked.

"I'm a foolhardy bastard."

Emmett's phones rang.

"Emmett McCarthy's Vineyard of Vice…Hey Nanoscopic Nancy! …uh yes, we're having a really good time…"

Edward and Jacob exchanged a look. "He's whipped," Jake proffered.

"…Rosie's doing what?" Emmett asked.

Edward shook his head. "He's talking to Alice."

"…Oh," Emmett sounded disappointed. "…No, it sounds like you're having fun…oh we have lots of stuff planned…well, no…yes, we failed…I love you Alice." He snapped the phone shut and smiled brightly. "We're going to need more pizza."

xxx

Rosalie's car slipped in front of Edward's garage. Though nothing but its headlights and a faint gleam of shininess could be distinguished, it still _sounded_ ostentatious.

Edward opened his front door and walked out towards the sound of expensive car doors slamming.

"Do you guys need help with anything?"

"Please," Alice trilled. "Bella and Rosie insisted on bringing the guitar, so if you could take that and one of the sleeping bags," she filled his arms with a hard leather case and a soft roll, "it means that I don't have to carry anything." She laughed and skipped towards the house.

Edward looked at Bella, who was pulling a backpack and a brown grocery bag out of Rosalie's car. "I should have seen that coming, right?"

She shut the trunk and smiled as she walked towards the house. "You played right into her hands, sucker."

Edward looked down at his arms and shrugged. _Can't argue with that._ Then he followed her into the house.

Emmett had taken it upon himself to open one of the freshly delivered pizza boxes. "Quality control." he mumbled at Edward, attempting to stuff as much crust into his mouth as possible.

At the same time, Alice and Rosalie were spreading blankets and a small DVD collection across the living room floor.

"Where's Jacob?" Edward asked.

"_Through here!_"

Bella turned towards the library where Jacob's voice had evidently emanated from. She looked at Emmett who encouragingly nudged his head in the same direction.

Bella nodded. "Back in a sec."

As she walked through the door, Alice and Rosalie stealthily ran into the kitchen. "Is she going to talk to him?" Alice asked excitedly.

"Don't eavesdrop," Emmett warned.

Both girls nodded solemnly and headed back towards the living room where there was a second door to the back room.

Emmett sighed. "Come on then." He picked up the pizza boxes and walked to the living room. Edward followed with the guitar and sleeping bag.

The girls were very innocently sitting on the sofa, but as soon as Emmett sat down the lazy-boy chair and groaned in satisfaction they shushed him. Edward could hear quiet murmurs from the other room, but was not able to distinguish any words.

"They'll be ok. They've known each other…since their mothers were pregnant, I think. They're foetus friend," Alice commented when she saw the concentration on Edward's brow.

Edward realised at this point that he knew both of Emmett's parents, had heard of Rosalie's and bumped into Alice having coffee with her mother Cynthia once. And though he had met both Billy Black and Chief Swan, he had never heard of either Jacob's or Bella's mothers. It had never occurred to him to ask, probably because he was so content in his own single parent family.

The murmuring from the back room stopped for one anxious second and then the sound of laughter drifted through the door. Half a minute later Jacob and Bella emerged from the library.

"You realise this means that you're going to have to call me once in a while…" Jacob commented.

Bella looked at him playfully. "Yeah, but I kind of have this thing where I don't speak to people who smell like old shoes."

Alice and Rosalie relaxed into the sofa with relieved expressions. Emmett continued to gorge himself on pizza. "Mmm, that's good eatin'."

His girlfriend rolled her eyes and turned to Edward. "Maybe we should hire him out to 0800-Rent-A-Slob. Try and make some profit out of the idiocy we have to put up with."

A cell phone rang and Bella quickly pulled hers out of her pocket to answer it. "Hey dad…yeah, we're having a good time…yes, we're going to have pizza…it's good for me…crusts make me happy…yes, I left the window slightly open…you know that I can't sleep in a stuffy room…no one is stupid enough to break into the police chief's house while he's sleeping in it…yes, don't worry about it…ok have fun…I will…bye…'

She snapped the phone shut and eyed the DVD selection. "I vote _Bill and Ted_."

xxx

Two hours and an excellent adventure later, everyone dispersed lazily. Jacob and Emmett were raiding the Cullen's milk supply, while Alice was running her colour scheme for Edward's bedroom past Bella.

They could hear Rosalie clinkering on the keyboard next door. The notes were high and the arrangement held a vague familiarity to Edward.

Bella picked up the guitar and settled it on her crossed legs. She strummed the first few chords quietly but resonantly, coaxing music out of the inanimate object.

The clinkering stopped and Rosalie appeared in the doorway. Edward finally recognised the song when Alice began to sing in a clear and bell-like voice. She pushed the words out with surprising softness, a complete contrast to the off-key belting she had exhibited after her birthday party.

_'__I hope that you like it in your little motel  
And I hope that the suite sleeps and suits you well…'_

Edward knew the song well. He had often listened to this band in Washington. The melancholy had suited the climate, but Ashland seemed more upbeat to him. Listening to the song in his comfortable small living room, away from the grand white space in Forks, was like meeting an old friend that one had lost touch with and then taking a trip down memory lane.

_'…__We trade tit for tat like that for this  
And I don't think that there was an insult that was missed  
I can see it in your eyes like I taste your lips…'_

When Rosalie husky voice joined Alice's, Edward briefly wondered whether this would turn into a sing-along. While he wasn't absolutely opposed to such an idea, he determined that it was much more pleasant to listen to the girls almost whispering the lyrics. Finally, Bella added her low girlish tones.

_'…__The remainders of a shooting star  
Landed directly on our broke-down little car  
Before then we had made a wish…'_

They finished the song soon afterwards and were immediately applauded enthusiastically by clapping coming from the doorway that led to the entrance hall.

Carlisle had entered the house without anyone realising.

"You know if you ever get sick of blood and guts you could have a flourishing career in stealth," Edward commented.

While Alice's face lit up at the sight of Carlisle's golden waves, Bella blushed at being caught unawares.

"What like smearing myself in animal fluids just so I can sneak up on a deer?"

"Sure, if that's what you're into…"

Carlisle rolled his eyes. "I enjoyed that little performance. May I expect more to come?" he asked the girls.

"We're in town 'til Tuesday," Bella answered with a nod.

Edward was not able to conceal his curiosity. "How'd the date go?"

Carlisle seemed embarrassed. "It was very good." Then his left eye twitched a bit. "Well, except for one thing. She ordered a _pissaladière_ and all I could think about was why anyone would want to eat something that has a pee related name and contains anchovies." He grimaced and then pointed at Edward, "But I like her, so she's never going to know about that."

xxx

Rosalie had taken the guitar up to Edward's bedroom. She was sitting cross-legged on top of the bed and began strumming a tune.

Alice was already asleep, looking as peaceful as only an innocent person enveloped in well deserved rest could look. Bella was sitting next to her, knees pulled up to her chest and wrapped in Edward's duvet. They boys had been exiled to the guest bed mattress that they had pulled into Edward's room.

Both Rosalie and Bella started singing, and Edward slipped under the covers listening to their unexpected lullaby.

_'__Sometimes I feel so happy  
Sometimes I feel so sad…'_

Alice's eyelids flickered and she snuggled into Bella's side, while Jacob also started to fall asleep as the song progressed.

_'…__If I could make the world as pure and strange as what I see  
I'd put you in the mirror I put in front of me…'_

Bella's eyelids began to droop and she trailed off the song lazily and gently. Rosalie laid aside the guitar and everyone settled in for the night.

Emmett turned to Edward. "This sleepover was totally high-jacked."

Just as Edward was beginning to fall asleep he felt something brush against his hand. He opened his eyes and saw Bella struggling to untangle herself from Alice's grip.

"What are you doing?" Edward whispered.

"I'm trying to get up."

"Where are you going?"

"I need to open the window." She seemed to look at him apologetically. "I know it will be cold…"

"…but you can't sleep in a stuffy room?"

She nodded.

"Ok, lie back down." Edward got up, walked around the mattress and opened one of the sash windows.

"Thanks, Edward."

"No problem," he answered as he got back down and pulled his comforter around himself. The air was clear and cold outside.

"Goodnight," she whispered.

"Goodnight, Bella."

That night Edward had a strange dream. It wasn't the usual fragmented but somewhat detailed story. The dream held only vague impressions, of soft flour and hard wood and wonderful smells. Sugar and butter and dried tobacco and cool fresh cotton. It was as pleasant as a plump pillow.

Early the next morning he woke up with back pain.

_Awesome. I've aged prematurely._

Then he remembered that he had practically been sleeping on the floor, which was possibly not the best place for a good night's rest.

Edward's hand felt somewhat tingly, almost as if blood was flowing back into it after something heavy and Emmett-shaped had cut off its circulation. As Edward tentatively opened his eyes, however, he perceived that Emmett was thankfully sleeping on Jacob this time. Edward was so elated about this that he couldn't quite bring himself to pity the poor suffocating boy.

_Better you than me, buddy._

Nevertheless there was still the problem of the tingling in his left hand. It wasn't painful, or unpleasant, just…unusual.

Edward turned his head half expecting to see his hand purpled like a grape and half dead.

_Like a raisin hand. Creepy thought…_

The hand did not look like a raisin. It was its usual beige colour, which was much less interesting in Edward's eyes. What was interesting, however, was the pale slender index finger that had managed to curl itself around Edward's pinkie. An index finger that, rather than belonging to Edward, was attached to an equally pale slender arm draped over the edge of Edward's bed, which in turn was attached to a sleeping Bella.

Edward gently attempted to unhook his finger, but Bella seemed to be a light sleeper.

She stirred and opened her eyes.

"I'm cold," she said quietly.

"Yeah, you wanted to have the window open."

"Well I just suck, don't I?" Then she frowned. "Don't answer that, it sounded vaguely dirty." She looked down at her left hand. "Were we holding fingers in our sleep?"

"Good morning," Alice stage whispered before Edward could reply. She was emerging from his bathroom, looking unnecessarily upbeat considering the small amount of dim light that was making its way across Edward's room. "I'm going to go watch cartoons downstairs, but you guys should go back to sleep. You looked so cute holding hands."

Bella drew her hand under the cover.

"Fingers," Edward corrected.

"Care to explain why?"

Edward shrugged, but Alice's curiosity seemed piqued and she raised an eyebrow at Bella.

Bella pushed the covers off herself and got up. She scowled at Alice but managed to mutter "42" before she disappeared behind the bathroom door.

There was a careful knock on Edward's door.

"Come in," Edward called to his father.

"Are you sure? I don't want to walk in on something…I really don't want to walk in on."

Edward got up and opened the door. "Well, Emmett hasn't put his face on yet, but if you can stomach his visage _sans_ makeup then it's safe to enter."

"I heard that!" the boy lying on top of Jacob exclaimed.

"Morning, Papa Cullen," Alice greeted cheerfully.

"Good morning, Alice. I just wanted to make sure you guys were ok for breakfast. I would offer to unleash my personal brand of food poisoning on you but I promised Howard that I'd go to the hardware store with him this morning. Something about a pumpkin…"

Emmett's head whipped up.

"Howard's House for Halloween Horrors."

"Huh?" Edward asked eloquently.

"My dad can't stand trick-or-treaters, so most years he builds an elaborate fake pumpkin and fills it with sweets and the kids just help themselves."

"Why does he make a new one every year?"

"Well, it's on our front lawn. Sometimes it just gets nicked."

"That's rough."

"Anyway, I'm off now, so…if you're going to set fire to the house…save the books." Carlisle pleaded and left with a toothy grin.

xxx

Due to Edward's recent interest in baking, the kitchen was fully stocked with pancake ingredients. Unfortunately Emmett volunteered to crack the eggs, which resulted in the constituents of the egg shells spraying onto the kitchen floor.

Bella, who had been sifting flour, brought her bowl over the kitchen island. She seemed so concentrated on not dropping the bowl that she stepped right into the unsightly slimy splatter, her right foot slipping away underneath her. Edward reflexively dropped the spoon he had been holding and managed to grab hold of her before she fell to the floor.

The same could not be said for the bowl of flour.

The earthenware remained intact but dusted half of the kitchen in its contents. Edward and Bella looked like science experiments gone terribly wrong.

They were in an awkward position; similar to a gentleman tipping a lady backwards during a dance, but Edward had not the momentum to raise Bella up again. In the end she simply lowered herself to the ground, seating herself in the aftermath of the flour power party, while Edward steadied her.

"You alright?" he asked her.

Bella nodded. As her hair shook it gave off a hint of her scent and for one brief moment Edward did not want to let go of her waist. "I think my dignity just died."

"It wasn't that bad."

"I slipped on egg yolk."

Edward tried to suppress a smile as he straightened himself. Unexpectedly, there was a blunt sudden pain at the top of his skull when his head collided with the underside of the island's wooden work-surface. "Whoring Jackrabbits!" he exclaimed rather embarrassingly as he sat on the floor, cradling his head.

"Are you ok?" Bella asked him.

"Sure. Can my dignity join yours in the afterlife?"

"Yup, come along for the ride. There's plenty of room."

"Aww," Alice said. She hovered over the two of them, the scent of lavender laundry detergent still clinging to her t-shirt. "Don't worry, I'm sure your genetically perfect children will have bigger problems than their parents' loss of dignity."

"What do you mean?" Bella asked.

"You'll find some other way to fuck them up. You'll be one dysfunctional family." Alice said decisively.

Edward snorted in a gentlemanly fashion. "What are you talking about, Alice?"

"Nuthin'." She smiled.

Edward looked at Bella. "You thinking what I'm thinking?"

Bella nodded sternly and looked at Alice. "You have three seconds to spill."

"Oh, don't go all Good Cop Bad Cop on me. You need more than one brain cell to share between the two of you for that to work."

Edward quickly pulled Alice down into the flour and attempted to restrain her. He shot Bella instructions. "Ok, I'll try to hold down her arms-"

"I'll bite you Edward!" Alice shouted.

He continued undeterred. "I'll try to not get rabies, while you tickle, ok?"

Bella nodded earnestly, and sat on Alice for an optimum angle.

Alice ceased her attempts to nip at Edward's forearms and whined, "Why are you doing this?"

"Because you look like a talker," Edward answered.

"No more chit chat," Bella said decisively.

The small girl underneath her tried to intimidate her with an icy blue glare. "What part of Good Cop Bad Cop don't you unders_taaaaand_?"

Bella attacked Alice's neck with imperceptibly fast fingers and a high pitched noise, somewhat akin to a siren, began to erupt from that place.

"Oh, I'd forgotten about _this_!" Bella stopped tickling and Alice's personal security alarm died out. Bella began to grin evilly.

Edward bent his head towards Alice and smirked. "Looks like we got ourselves a squealer."

He glanced up at Bella whose brown eyes were two sparkling tarns of mirth.

xxx

On Monday Edward drove the truck to school while Emmett ate a Cinnamon Pop Tart in the passenger seat.

"Space – the final frontier."

Edward rolled his eyes. Emmett had been doing this ever since they had pulled away from the curb on their road.

"These are the voyagers of the star ship Enterprise. It's five-year mission: to explore strange new worlds. To seek out new life and new civilisations…"

Edward winced in anticipation of the part that he knew would sound awfully dirty.

"…To boldly go where no man has gone before."

Emmett bit off a piece of Pop Tart and began to hum the original Star Trek theme tune with a full mouth.

Edward breathed an audible sigh of relief when he pulled Oliver into a spot in the student car park and spotted Alice and Bella a few spaces away.

"Hey." Alice was skipping towards the truck followed, slightly more sedately, by Bella.

"Morning," Edward answered glumly as he got out of the truck. He had not slept well the past two nights. Somehow his usual dreams had left him dissatisfied. He noticed that the asphalt was covered in slippery leaves that had recently begun to fall from the trees. Autumn was definitely underway.

Alice looked far too cheerful for a Monday morning and was about to start babbling away when she was interrupted by the sound of squeaking tires. Edward turned to his right and saw a rusted blue Ford sliding swiftly into the space in front of Oliver.

Too swiftly.

Edward saw the driver's face woven into a mask of surprise and fear, before his ears were assaulted with the offensive noise of metal meeting metal.

For a moment no one moved.

Emmett had stopped chewing his last bite of Pop Tart, his mouth slightly agape as he stared at the mess in front of him.

Edward looked at Jasper who sat dumbstruck in the driver's seat of the blue car.

Bella stood still in silent shock.

Only Alice seemed to show any signs of mental presence. She anxiously blinked between Jasper's face, Edward's and the crumpled hoods of their cars.

Suddenly Emmett spat out his half chewed bite of Pop Tart. "Whitlock," he growled dangerously and took a step towards the Ford.

Alice quickly interceded. "Maybe we should go inside, Emmett."

"Why?" he asked without looking at her.

"Looks like rain," she muttered before dragging him away with all her might.

Jasper slowly got out of his car. He stood beside it, looking at the damage he had done with a pale expressionless face.

Bella turned to him. "Jasper?" she asked in a low voice.

He faced her with a wide questioning eye.

She continued. "Would you mind explaining what the fuck you went and did that for?"

Jasper seemed confused. "What?"

"Did you do this on purpose?" she clarified.

Jasper seemed nervous as he shook his head, but this could just have been a result of recently crashing into someone else's vehicle. Bella, however, took it as confirmation of his guilt.

"You crossed the line Jasper!" she said in a slightly raised voice.

"What are you talking about?"

"You didn't just cross the line, you destroyed it. In fact, you seem to have had so little respect for the line that y-you…you _ate_ the damn line! Or maybe you just demolished it with your car!"

Edward remembered the panicked look on Jasper's face as his car jumped into Oliver's hood. "Bella, as much as I am enjoying all these abstract theories, I really think it was an accident," he tried to placate her.

Her eyes met his and he nodded at her. "Oh." She seemed embarrassed.

Jasper looked uncomfortable. "I'm really sorry about this."

Edward observed him carefully. There seemed to be no falseness in his face. His eyes darted around in the kind of discomfort one usually only experiences after breaking the personal belongings of a stranger. His ears had turned red.

"I think my insurance will cover it," Edward answered.

They exchanged a few hurried details. Neither one of them wanted to be around the other any longer than necessary. Bella supervised the proceedings with a calmer demeanour than previously, apparently to make sure that they did not end in a fist fight after all. Jasper took his leave with a nod, but his anxiety had worn off so far as to make him able to reinstate a slight scowl on his face.

Edward watched his retreating back. "So he ate the line, huh?"

Bella blushed. "Maybe in an alternate universe."

"Umm, I guess this is a good time to inform you that I never did finish that degree in quantum physics."

Bella laughed, and Edward shook his head. "That boy has some mad social skills."

She smiled. "But he makes a mean peach cobbler."

xxx

**A/N: **This was beta'd by X. Brandon. Hawkex (the spaces were necessary) - She's awesome and her fic makes me laugh out loud at inappropriate moments. Like the library where my insane laughter makes people think that I'm…insane.


	11. Breakfast Burritos and Banoffee Pie

**A/N:** The tardiness of this chapter has now reached epic proportions. It has been three months. Three and a half months to be precise and I really do not have a very good excuse. All I can say is that I'm now aiming for a chapter every ten days. Let's see whether I can keep that up.

I had to rewrite this several times and a shout-out must go to X. Brandon. Hawkex for pulling through to beta this beast. She needs to be canonised or something. I shall attempt to repay her by inducing her to have a prolific sugar high.

Also, this is long. So maybe get a snack and a cup of tea.

I don't own Twilight. If I did, I would have had some serious objections to that daft wig (you know the one I'm talking about); it's just another reason why I shan't go to see _Eclipse_.

xxx

**Chapter 11. Breakfast Burritos and Banoffee Pie**

Edward stood in the hallway, silently debating whether to take his rain jacket to school or not. It was Friday and the weather had been consistently dismal the previous four days.

_So much for getting away from the rain in Forks._

When he had woken up that morning, however, the sun had tentatively dipped its rays through the dwindling autumnal foliage of the tree outside his window and onto Edward's comforter. Leaving the rain jacket seemed like a good idea. Risky, but a good idea.

Sighing, Edward stepped onto his porch, and then walked around to the side of the house where his bicycle leaned against the outside wall.

It had been almost a month since Jasper Whitlock's Ford had callously crumpled Oliver's face. The truck was still unusable; something about "old vehicle" and "rare spare parts".

Edward had been cycling a lot.

Because of the increasingly frequent rain Edward had often been cursing the existence of Jasper's car, which – obnoxiously – was still running.

Out of solidarity, Emmett had been cycling to school with Edward on the days when it wasn't his turn to drive. This morning, however, Edward's wardrobe inspection had been disturbed, quite unceremoniously, by the following text message:

_Yo bitch! I'm still busy at Rosie's – if you know what I mean…_

_See your sweet ass at school. –Em_

After swallowing back the unwelcome reminders of breakfast that had threatened to make a surprise reappearance, Edward had looked forward to a ride to school that wouldn't involve experimentally swerving into oncoming traffic "just to see what would happen".

The ride was incredibly peaceful, despite the fact that cycling to school was considerably more time consuming than driving, thereby shaving precious time off his nightly allotment of sleep. Having the luxury of the snooze-button taken away from him frequently led Edward to be grumpy in the mornings.

He left his bike by the racks and walked towards the car park. That was another downside of his newly downgraded mode of transportation: the unnecessarily humiliating segregation of the students into motorists and cyclists. Carlisle had attempted to put a moralist spin on the situation, claiming that those who rode bicycles led a notably greener lifestyle, which was countered by Edward's internal conviction that he looked like a character on _Pacific Blue_.

He spotted the garish yellow of Alice's convertible and walked towards that beacon of lutescence, to find her furiously texting on her phone.

"Alice, I need help."

"Yes, you do," she agreed without looking up. "Your hair is getting out of control."

Edward stroked his mop self-consciously. "What's wrong with my hair?"

"Don't get me wrong; it's very pretty, but it seems to defy gravity."

"That's what she said!" A lilting voice behind Edward interjected. Bella sidled up next to him and grinned widely.

Edward chose to ignore her and noticed Rosalie's car pull into the empty space next to them. He quickly decided to reassert his manliness before Emmett's merciless teasing of Edward's "feminine traits" commenced. "Alice please don't call my hair pretty. I'm a guy. I'm tough."

Alice rolled her eyes. "Yeah, you're really hard."

"That's what she said!" Emmett hollered, as he skipped towards them.

Alice shook her head and then raised her eyes from her phone for the first time. She appraised Edward's appearance and seemed pleased. "Thank God you're not wearing that fugly rain jacket today."

"What's wrong with my jacket?" Edward asked slightly hurt.

"It's fugly."

"That's what she s-" Emmett began, before quickly correcting himself, "…Oh no wait, it doesn't work well that way…"

Bella rolled her eyes. "Oh, the sweet flowers of rhetoric."

Edward was still put out by Alice's criticism. "Emmett has one of those jackets. So does Bella."

"Yeah, and I'm burning theirs right after I destroy yours…"

Edward frowned and looked away from Alice. He noticed that Emmett was eating, not an unusual occurrence, but this morning his meal of choice looked particularly unappetising.

"What the fuck is that?" Edward asked rather bluntly.

Emmett stopped chewing and looked at the unsightly mess in his right hand. "Breakfast burrito." He answered with a full mouth.

Edward shook his head. "I really should have had more coffee this morning. Dealing with people at the moment is taking years off my young, fragile life."

As he turned to walk towards the school building Edward could have sworn he heard Emmett muse whether it was "that time of the feminine month again."

xxx

"Hey Cullen!"

Edward turned around to see Bella running towards him. "Swan."

She caught up with him and tried to look nonchalant, which was a semi-fruitless endeavour as she was wheezing fairly uncontrollably. She squeezed her side and shot Edward an admonishing look. "Yeah, I'm unfit. Whatever." Bella managed to calm her breathing, and instantly sobered her face to its usual sarcastic expression.

"So…you and Emmett, huh? Getting pretty serious…"

Edward smirked. "Yeah, he's like a drug to me."

She nodded. "Newton's been giving him the eye."

"I'm gonna mess that bitch up."

"And then make sweet, sweet love with Em?"

_There might be a little bit of vomit coming up. Be strong Cullen._

"At the risk of sounding like a girl – ew."

Bella eyed him suspiciously and then changed track. "Have you seen Alice?"

"Alice?"

"You know, dark haired, annoying, 'bout _yea_ high…" Bella's indicative hand hovered in the vicinity of her waist.

"She took off about five minutes ago, saying that she needed to put the final touches on her costume."

Bella groaned, the sound of which made Edward's stomach do funny things. "That means she's going to lock herself away in her room pin tucking and accordion pleating by hand for the next twenty-four hours."

"Yeah, I have no idea what you're talking about."

"Don't worry, that's a good thing."

Edward nodded and let his eyes sweep the car park. He could see a brown ponytail bobbing towards a small Japanese people carrier and sighed. Angela's demeanour had gotten more and more melancholy as the month passed. In an edition of the student newspaper published earlier that October she had written an editor's letter entitled 'Life sucks and then you die – but in between there's Prozac!'. It was meant to be ironic. Apparently.

Edward hoped that she was okay.

"Could I ask you for a favour?" Bella asked hesitantly.

Edward turned his attention back to the girl in front of him. "Sure."

"Well, since Alice is apparently out for the count now, I don't have a ride for tomorrow evening. Emmett and Rose are going out for dinner before Jess' Halloween party, and my car is at the mechanic's."

"I can borrow my Dad's car, I'll pick you up," Edward answered.

Bella smiled brightly. "Thanks."

He nodded. "Do you need a ride home now? We can go halfsies on my bike," he offered before realising that the logistics of that undertaking could be complicated.

He saw a black VW pull up, and Jacob stuck his head out of the driver's window. "You ready Bells?"

Bella smiled at Edward. "My lift is here, but I'll call you later, ok?"

Edward waved to Jacob, said goodbye to Bella and watched them drive away with a feeling of discontentment quelling in his middle section.

xxx

Edward was battling it out with several yards of shiny black fabric when he heard a hesitant knock on the door of his room.

"Come in!"

Carlisle entered his son's bedroom, and looked around. "Something large and black is eating you," he observed.

"Well thanks for trying to save the life of your only child," Edward muttered.

"What are you doing?"

"I'm making my Halloween costume."

Carlisle considered the material. "Are you going as a piece of installation art? Something entitled 'Tar Ingesting Boy'?"

"Did you come up here with a purpose other than mocking me?"

"Actually, I came to ask whether you will be around tomorrow afternoon. There's someone I'd like you to meet."

Edward, who had spent the better part of the month watching his father fret over shirt and tie combo's of the non-work kind, had not yet been introduced to the woman that made Carlisle Cullen wear his only pair of cufflinks.

"So…I finally get to meet Mystery Woman? …Man?"

Carlisle rolled his eyes. "Well, I have this feeling that she might stick around for a while…I think you'll like her. Actually, I know you will."

Edward took in the silly look on his father's face. "You really like her don't you? Every time you come home from a date you have an astonishingly annoying shit-eating grin on your face."

Carlisle laughed. "I do like her. Whenever I see her my internal soundtrack starts playing 'Wonderful Tonight'. That song gets old really fast."

"Ok, I'll bake something for tomorrow. There's this recipe for Banoffee Pie that I've wanted to try out." As soon as that string of words left his mouth Edward thought hard about what he had just said. Carlisle just gave him a look. A look that meant he was thinking about it, too.

Edward laid aside the needlework in his hands and cleared his throat. "I really need to go and do something manly, now. Maybe I can find one of those little medieval villages with the straw roofs that I can burn and plunder."

Carlisle nodded. "I'll drive you." He turned to leave the room. "Banoffee Pie has chocolate sprinkles on it, right?"

Once Carlisle had left, Edward pulled the black fabric around his body and inspected himself in his mirror. He had fashioned it into something vaguely approaching a cape-like shape.

_Eh, it'll have to do._

He stared at his reflection and saw something he didn't like. There was a tension around his mouth and a discontented knot in his stomach. He couldn't fathom why he had been so agitated lately. Maybe it had simply been the combination of bad weather and really early mornings…

_God Cullen, you've been acting like a little bitch for the past few days. Pull yourself together. You're a man. You're a man. Back me up here, Penis. _

xxx

Edward stood in front of Bella's pretty, one-storey house and hesitantly knocked on the front door, silently praying that it wouldn't be opened by the Chief. Charlie Swan was a very nice guy, but any man who was allowed to carry a gun - and _use_ it - scared Edward.

His prayers were answered. Bella stood in the doorway, or at least Edward supposed it to be Bella. In reality he was blinded by a large amount of sequins.

_Wait. Sequins? On Bella? She thinks any material shinier than cotton is tacky…_

Edward squinted and found that his first impression was accurate. Bella looked as sparkly as a Christmas tree on _Dynasty_. She was sporting the eccentric combination of a black, sequined cardigan and what appeared to be men's shoes. Edward wasn't entirely sure what her costume was meant to be until he spotted the single, white, sequined glove on one of her hands.

"Michael Jackson?" Then he saw that her hair was tied in a thick braid around her head. It looked pretty on her. "Meets Heidi?"

Bella laughed, "No, just Michael Jackson. I had to put my hair up because it kept getting caught on these little suckers." She inspected one of her sequined sleeves. "Hurts like a bitch." Then she noticed the black cloak Edward was sporting. "Are you supposed to be a child snatcher?" Then she dropped her head to side. "Or a really poor attempt at Darth Vader?"

Edward silently pulled a pair of round-rimmed glasses out of his pocket and put them on.

"A studious child snatcher?" Bella's expression turned quizzical.

"I'm Harry Potter."

"Harry Potter has black hair."

"Michael Jackson was black. And a man," Edward noted.

Bella smirked.

Edward rolled his eyes impatiently, "Fine, I'm being rebellious."

"Alright then Pancho Villa, where's your scar?"

Edward thought back to the last time he had dressed as Harry Potter for Halloween. He had been nine and had just finished reading the first book.

_No shitting way am I putting permanent marker anywhere near my face again._

"I was kind of hoping you could help me with that."

Bella looked pensive for a moment and then nodded. "Come in, I think I can work with this," she swept a hand in the direction of Edward's costume and turned back into the house.

As soon as Edward followed her in he walked straight into a shiny townbike.

"There is a bike in your hallway," he helpfully informed Bella.

She turned around with an expression of mock-surprise. "Yeah. Wow, I never noticed that. Must have rolled in of it's own accord."

Edward frowned but proceeded to take off his shoes. In lieu of a jacket, he also hung his cape on the coat rack for good measure.

Bella led the way down the shiny, wood-floored corridor, towards her room, the walls of which were covered in newspaper clippings and sketches. Edward noticed the Guerrilla Gardener polaroid of himself pinned on a corkboard and Alice, Emmett and Rosalie were staring back at him from a rough water colour that was taped next to the window.

"You're talented."

"Thank you." Bella answered, as she busied herself looking through one of the compartments in her desk. She threw a pair of Wayfarers at him and then began to rifle through her chest of drawers. Edward felt somewhat stumped, particularly when she tossed him a thick pair of white socks.

"Is this 'Aim Random Things at Edward's Head Day'? Because I really didn't enjoy that the first time round in middle school."

"No. It's 'Man-Up and Be Tom Cruise Day'."

"You do realise you just uttered a paradox, right?"

Bella rolled her eyes and walked towards him. "You can't be Harry Potter."

"Why not?"

"It's lame."

Edward pointed his finger at her. "That…is…completely true. I can't argue." He lowered his hand in defeat. "So what do we do?"

Bella moved closer. She shot him an apprehensive glance and unloosened his tie, before gently lifting it over his head and tossing it aside. Edward was momentarily distracted by her proximity. He could smell her distinctive scent, all woodsy and fresh. One of Bella's ringlets had fallen out of its braid and was simply begging Edward to brush it behind her pale ear.

He wondered why he felt like he could stand there with her forever, a thought quickly discarded when she hesitantly began to unbutton his white shirt.

"Whoa!" Edward quickly stepped away. "Umm w-what are you doing?" he asked, wondering when the situation had taken _that_ turn.

Bella shifted from one leg to the other. "Take off your pants."

_Yes, m'am._

"I'd rather not." Edward answered. "I mean, don't get me wrong, you're very pretty and-"

"You're Joel Goodsen!" Bella interrupted.

"What?"

"You're Joel Goodsen in _Risky Business_," she explained.

"You want me to be the dorky kid that dances to Bob Seger in his underwear?"

"Yes, Sir." Bella looked at Edward seriously and then began to tap her foot impatiently. "Take off your pants. Please."

Edward took a calming breath and averted his eyes to the vase of hydrangeas on Bella's nightstand. The evening had taken a _really_ unexpected turn.

"Well, since you're asking so nicely…" Edward swiftly unbuttoned his black trousers, pulled them down his legs and kicked them away, mentally thanking the Gods of the men's tailoring business for the length of his button-down, which covered his boxers.

"Okay, now put on those socks and the Wayfarers and we're golden."

"Your socks will be too small for me. My feet will look like Mariah Carey – why must she always wear indecently tight clothes?"

Bella looked shifty. "I think those are Emmett's actually. Or maybe Jacob's…"

She left the room and Edward swiftly got changed. He came out of the room and found Bella in the hallway. They were about to leave the house (unusually for Edward _sans_ shoes and trousers), when Bella remembered that she hadn't opened her window, and left Edward to wait for her in her living room.

The room was comfortable and warm. Mary was sleeping in a dog basket next to the fireplace. A large photograph hung above the mantelpiece. It appeared to have been taken at the beach and showed a prepubescent Bella and her father running around with paper airplanes. Once again Edward wondered where Bella's mother was in all this, until it occurred to him that the photograph must have been taken by someone.

The front door opened and Edward was suddenly painfully aware that he was not wearing pants.

"Bells, I'm home! I tell you, today was crazy. This guy came in claiming that his wife had trained their dog to vandalise his car and…there's a half-naked Edward Cullen in our living room…"

Edward waved awkwardly. "Hello, Sir."

"Nice costume, Joel Goodsen," Charlie complimented.

"I'm so glad you're not going to shoot me for being semi-undressed in your house."

Bella's father furrowed his brows. "I'm sorry?"

Bella rushed towards them. "Never mind Dad - we have to get going. Alice just called me to say that we have to hurry up if we want to be there for the _piñata_."

"There's a _piñata_?" Edward asked skeptically.

"It's a _piñata_ in the shape of Misha Barton. Trust me, you don't want to miss it."

Bella grasped Edward's hand in her own softly buzzing one and dragged him out of the house. "Bye Dad," she threw over her shoulder.

Edward held open the passenger door of the Volvo for her, and then seated himself on the driver's side.

Bella laughed and picked up a white, plastic item from underneath the passenger seat. She held it up for Edward to inspect. It was a spork and Edward was pretty sure it had found its way into the Volvo three weeks earlier. The last time Bella had been in this car.

"_Go Grizzlies!" Bella shouted into the almost empty space of Carlisle's car._

"_We're not actually at the game yet. Maybe you should try to reserve your energy." Edward advised._

"_You're right. I need to keep up my strength. Oh hey, let's get snacks; I don't like the ones they have at pep rallies," she said, almost buzzing in the passenger seat. Edward wasn't sure whether it was from excitement or…_

"_How much sugar have you had today, Bella?"_

"_Not nearly enough. Pull over here." Bella pointed towards a 24-hour corner shop._

_Edward parked and Bella jumped out of the car. He followed her into the store. _

"_Okay, you go find the Nutella, I'll be in the Disposable Cutlery section," she instructed._

_Edward didn't argue, though he wasn't entirely sure why he was being sent to forage for chocolate-hazelnut spread. He located the Nutella quickly. It was sitting on a shelf next to a scary concoction named _Fluff_. He caught up with Bella by the cash register. She was semi-harassing a tired-looking guy in a checked shirt who was manning the register. _

"_Hey John, do you have streamers?"_

"_No." Checked-Shirt Guy answered in a way that made Edward certain that this wasn't the first time he had been accosted by Bella. Edward wasn't sure whether that was the reason that she knew his name, or because the guy had a nametag that read 'John W.'. _

"_Mini plastic wine glasses?"_

"_No, Bella."_

Yeah, she's definitely been here before…_, Edward thought._

"_Okay, what about those things that you stick in your mouth and you blow on them and they make a sound like an Elephant, only not?"_

"_Blowouts?"_

"_Sure."_

_The guy shook his head. Bella on sugar was more wearying than Alice. That said a lot in itself._

_She held a packet of Gummi Bears in one hand and a bag of plastic cutlery in the other. When Edward placed the Nutella on the counter she frowned at the cutlery. "They only had sporks. And you can only buy them in packs of 100."_

"_I guess you're set then."_

"_Yep, a lifetime's worth of landfill in one purchase. $2.49. It's a good deal." She grabbed a bottle of pink lemonade from the cooler next to the cash register._

_Checked-Shirt Guy, aka John, rang up and bagged Bella's purchases. She paid, took her change and waved a cheery goodbye to him. "See you soon!"_

_In the Volvo Bella ripped open the bag of sporks. A few merrily clattered around the car, some of which were to be found later on by a confused Carlisle._

_She opened the jar of Nutella and drove her spork deep into it, then pulled it out and stuck it in her mouth. Edward didn't hesitate long and followed her lead. _

"_So, you ready to see their moves?" Bella asked around a sporkful of Nutella._

"_Alice and Rosalie's?"_

"_And Emmett's. You should see his victory dance. It's…interesting."_

"_Is it something I _want_ to see?" Edward asked, mentally counting off the myriad problems that arose from the fact that those white game pants were simply too tight._

_Bella deliberated for a few moments before answering. "Yes, if your chief aim in life is to be entertained. No, if your aim is mental innocence and stability."_

"So," Bella began as Edward pulled away from the curb outside her house, "Jess is really big on karaoke. Do you have a song in mind?"

Edward put his foot on the brake and turned to Bella. "There is no way I am singing karaoke. I would rather eat what little of my clothing you have left me with and walk around naked for the evening."

xxx

"Give it up for Alice and Edward, guys!"

Edward turned to the mini Batman at his side, both of them standing on Jess' coffee-table-come-karaoke-stage. "I really, truly, honestly cannot believe you managed to talk me into this."

Alice raised a black-clad fist. "I can be really persuasive when I want to be."

"And freakishly strong to boot."

The intro to Alice's song of choice began to reverberate around the room loudly.

"I hate you Batman."

"Take it Joel!" she sing-songed at him.

Edward popped the collar of his shirt, smouldered at their clapping audience and started to sing.

_"__If you see a faded sign at the side of the road that says _

_fifteen miles to the -"_

_"__Love Shack!"_ Alice continued. _"Love Shack yeeaah…"_

"Wooo!" Bella shouted, while Emmett was shaking his hips in a disturbingly snakelike fashion next to her.

Alice bounced around on the coffee table, which would have scared Edward if she had weighed any more than a Fruit Loop.

_"__I'm headin' down the Atlanta highway… _

_lookin' for the love getaway  
heading for the love getaway, love getaway…"_

Edward rolled his eyes and played along. If he was going to make an ass of himself he would do it properly, so for the next four minutes he gave everything he had.

Every last shred of dignity.

He rocked and shimmied and there may even have been a twirl. A manly twirl. More of a roundhouse kick. In Edward's dreams.

Their living room audience had grown considerably and Edward and Alice finished their song to loud cheers and Rosalie repeatedly smacking Bella's behind. As Rosalie had dressed as a life-size version of Spirabbs, this was something Edward never wanted to see a giant pink rabbit do to Michael Jackson. Eventually Bella seemed to have enough though and walked towards the coffee table.

"That was amazing guys!" she said with a wide grin. Edward hopped off the table and helped Alice down. Emmett and Rosalie came up and Emmett attempted to throw an arm around Edward, which was difficult as he had decided to come as a disco ball.

Alice was beaming and even Edward felt a perverted sense of pride at their flamboyant display.

Eventually, Emmett twirled Rosalie away to dance by themselves as best as they could.

"I'm going to get some water, do you guys want anything?" Edward asked. Alice and Bella, who had been hitting the red wine like it was no fucker's business, shook their heads.

On his way to the kitchen Edward saw a head of straight, mousy hair walking past him.

"Hey Angela."

She turned around, a surprised but pleasant expression on her face.

"Hi."

Edward felt stupid. He'd wanted to reassure himself that she was okay. Walking around the school grounds the way she had been had worried him. But now that she was standing in front of him…

"Are you feeling alright?" he blurted and simultaneously turned bright red.

_Fuuuuuuuuck, could you be any more of a dorky asshole? _

Angela's brows furrowed. "Yep, I'm fine. Slightly intoxicated, but fine." It was her eyes that gave her away. They were sad, almost pleading.

Edward wasn't sure how to proceed; whether to push or just let it go. "Oh, okay. I was just…I mean I've seen you around and…"

"Have you been watching me?"

_What?_

"No, of course not. I just…"

_Get out of here Edward. She thinks you're stalking her. Just get out._

Edward shifted his feet. "I'm going to get a drink. Do you want anything?"

_Stupid Carlisle with his stupid manners which he had to teach his stupid son…_

"Are you hitting on me?" Angela's expression was a mixture between surprise and amusement.

_No!_

"No!" Edward repudiated.

Angela began to smile. "'Cause you know I'm gay…"

_What?_

"Awesome." Edward's stupid mouth exclaimed to his intense horror.

Angela laughed, and he blushed harder.

"I mean…I wasn't…fuck."

Angela continued to laugh and in time he joined her.

Once Edward got over the deep shame of being a fuckwit without a verbal filter he decided to begin again. "Sorry. I'm an idiot. Let's start over. Hey."

She humoured him. "Hi."

"Would you like to come and join Emmett, Rosie and I? We're basically watching Alice and Bella get wasted."

"Awesome." Angela grinned and followed him back into the living room.

xxx

Bella stumbled on a discarded werewolf mask that was lying on the sidewalk. Edward moved to pick it up but, a shouted "Hey! Hey!" held him back.

He turned to Bella, raising a questioning brow.

She shrugged. "I've got it." She clumsily kicked the mask away and pointed at it. "Yippee-ki-yay motherfucker!"

"Ok Bella," Edward began as he rifled through the pockets of her sparkly jacket and extracted her keys, "we should try not to wake your Dad, so it's Quiet Time now, alright?"

She nodded and held onto him tightly to keep from swaying into the door frame as they entered the house.

Edward successfully manoeuvred them into her room, the open window letting in an overly refreshing breeze. Bella drunkenly whipped her closet door shut and he helped her to her bed. Her comforter, which looked more rumpled than it had earlier, was oddly warm in the cold room.

She stared at Edward as he untied her shoes. "You think I'm pretty," Bella whispered.

He looked up at her. The pale moonlight coming through the windows illuminated her delicate collar bones and the alcohol had quickened her pulse enough to be discernible in the hollow between them. A few more ringlets had slipped out of the braid and were softly framing Bella's face.

"Your hair is going to be a pain to sleep on," Edward said and sat next to her on the bed. She let him unpin the plait from the back of her head and loosely shake out her hair. Bella let out a soft sigh as his fingers brushed out a tangled, mahogany wave.

"Thank you," she said softly before falling asleep on top of her duvet. Edward covered her with a quilt that was lying on a rocking chair in the corner of the room and shut the window.

He quietly left the house and drove home through the dark streets of Ashland. There were still a few Halloween stragglers wandering about, but for the most part the roads were empty and quiet.

The discontentment was gone. Edward was happy. So much so that he had forgotten to put his trousers and shoes back on. Explaining this to Carlisle could be difficult.

xxx

Carlisle had combed his hair. That was always a cause of interest for Edward.

"You combed your hair."

His father coloured. His cheeks had a suspicious – _non-blushing _– glow to them.

"_And_ you moisturised!"

"It keeps the wrinkles at bay." Carlisle patted his under-eye area. "And I'm not apologising for it – it's hard work being this hot."

There was a knock at the door and Carlisle scurried towards it. Edward heard the front door open and a softly spoken female voice greeted his father. He walked into the hallway and instantly recognised the delicate woman with toffee-coloured curls.

"Esme!"

She smiled at him. "Hello, Edward."

Edward ruffled his hair then waved an understanding hand. "You're the woman that makes my Dad hear sappy power ballads in his head."

Esme smiled brightly at Carlisle, who was avoiding her gaze while shooting Edward an evil glare.

"Sorry," Edward apologised, "it popped out. Can I get you anything, Esme?"

"The crimes I would commit for a cup of coffee right now…"

Edward grinned. He and Bella's aunt would get along swimmingly.

His father and Esme followed Edward into the kitchen.

"Pie!" Esme exclaimed and Edward was happy to know that she was just as capable of getting excited about sweet baked goods as her niece.

"Would you like some?" he offered.

"Yes please," she smiled widely.

"How is your foot doing?"

Both Esme and Carlisle coloured. "It's much better, thank you."

Edward took in their pink cheeks. "What did I say?" he asked, genuinely curious.

Carlisle cleared his throat. "We met when Esme came to the hospital because of her sprain."

_Busted_, Edward thought and grinned inwardly.

"Cool," Edward smiled as he started up the coffee machine, then cut the Banoffee pie and transferred it onto plates. "Hey, does Bella know about you guys?" he asked as they sat down at the kitchen island.

Esme shook her head. "Not yet, but we will tell her soon. I think we'll probably go round to Charlie's next weekend. You should come; it might make things less awkward if Bella has a friend there."

Edward considered this for a minute. It _would_ be less awkward. He and Bella could call their families out on sneaking around and joke about becoming cousins.

_Crap. Cousins._

Edward wondered how strange it would be if they _were _to become cousins.

Cousins with Bella.

Bella.

Bella who was one of his favourite people.

Bella who had brought him homemade apple puree the previous week and forced him to eat it with chocolate cake, which sounded gross but was a weirdly good combination.

Bella, who smelled of rain and moss and flowers, and was so pretty that it sometimes made Edward's heart ache a little bit.

_It could be okay_, Edward thought. _Surely it's not such a bad thing if you have the teensiest, tiniest, little soft spot for your- No! It's bad. Really, really bad._

…_fucking hormones._

"Well?" Carlisle asked.

Edward realised that he had still not given an answer. "Sure, that sounds good."

"I guess I'll finally get to meet the famous Charlie then." Carlisle grinned. "Esme's told me all sorts of stories about when they were growing up. Apparently he didn't use to be such a fine pillar of law enforcement in his younger years…"

Edward thought about whether Esme had been married previously. It would have explained the fact that her last name was not the same as the Swans'.

"Must be nice to have the Chief of Police as a brother. Speeding tickets could be virtually non-existent."

"And bank robberies get conveniently overlooked," Esme laughed. "Of course, he's actually my brother-in-law, but we did grow up practically next door to one another."

"Where's Bella's ma?" Edward asked before he could stop himself and quickly stuffed a piece of pie into his mouth to stop any other inappropriately nosy questions coming out.

Esme cleared her throat. "Well, she left when Bella was quite young, married some guy in Florida. But she…she died. Last year, she died."

Edward swallowed his un-chewed bit of pie in one go. It was stuck in his throat as a hard, admonishing lump.

xxx

**A/N: **I've been debating whether to start posting another story or not. A vamp fic. I know, I don't usually like vamp fics. I still avoid them now, but luckily I had enough presence of mind to lay aside my prejudice long enough to read _Type O Negative_. It's self-aware and funny and it showed me that AU vamp can work. It's in my Favourites list. Read it.


	12. Texas Chainsaw Poultry and Alfonso

**A/N:** I have been very busy with exams, but they are now over. Hurrah!

I just wanted to warn everyone that you may get a lot of alerts in the next couple of days. FF has deleted all the dividers, so I will have to re-upload the previous chapters.

I didn't realise until this chapter was almost finished, but an extraordinarily high amount of the dialogue revolves around food; even more so than usually. Make of that what you will.

X(.)Brandon(.)Hawkex was kind enough to pre-read this. The debate about the evils of plastic garden chairs is ongoing.

xxx

**Chapter 12. Texas Chainsaw Poultry and Alfonso**

On Friday afternoon, Edward was cooking. This was an alarming new development in light of the fact that if he became any more domestic he'd soon be wearing florals and balancing an infant on each hip.

It was probably high time he got himself a hobby. A butch hobby, such as learning how to take down assassins with the aid of a Bic pen.

When the door bell rang, Edward did not yet realise that his plans for the evening were about to get high-jacked in a not-so-manly way.

"We brought Will Ferrell!" Emmett exclaimed holding up a DVD case.

"And popcorn," Bella chimed in.

Edward frowned as he watched the two of them barge their way into his home. "Did I miss something?"

"We should have called," Bella admitted.

"But that would have included asking permission, which…meh," Emmett shrugged his shoulders. "Anyway, we knew you weren't going to say no to Maggie Gyllenhaal – sexy." He turned to Bella, "I'll put the DVD in; you do the popcorn."

"On it," Bella nodded. She walked into the kitchen and pushed a bag of popcorn into the microwave.

"What is the world coming to?" Edward mused. "Girl scouts sell pre-packaged cookies, popcorn comes out of the microwave…"

Bella shrugged, "At least we didn't buy it ready-made in a plastic bucket." She sniffed, "I smell chicken."

Edward nodded, "You interrupted me; I'm practising for Thanksgiving."

"Wrong bird."

He rolled his eyes, "I'm not going to waste an entire turkey in preparation for mine and Carlisle's first Thanksgiving alone. I've decided that there's no way I'm roasting anything. It's the frying pan or sandwiches."

She frowned at him, "I thought you were going to see your family in Alaska…"

Edward nodded. "We were, but then my uncle decided that he wanted to see his family so they're going to Anchorage."

"You weren't invited?"

"We were but…Carlisle doesn't like being around Riley's family…his mother in particular…"

Bella tilted her head. "I feel that there's a story there…"

Edward grinned, "He set her on fire."

"_What_?" Bella exclaimed.

"It was an accident and she was fine," he explained hurriedly, "but she learnt her lesson; hasn't worn obnoxiously lurid, man-made fibres since."

Bella sniffed again, "Speaking of flammable items…something's burning…" She opened the microwave, "…and it's not the popcorn."

"Shit," Edward winced and checked on his pan.

He huffed. "This is serious."

"How serious?"

He turned to Bella, unsure of what to say. "Umm…"

She took pity on him, "Okay, on a scale of 1 to 10, how serious is it? 1 being the state of my nail beds, and 10…intergalactic warfare."

Edward silently uncovered the frying pan. Bella inspected its contents for a few seconds and then nodded. Edward returned the lid to the pan, the movement solemn and deliberate, akin to closing a casket.

"It looks dead," Bella assessed.

Edward attempted to defend himself. "It's chicken. It's supposed to be dead before you eat it."

"I know, but that doesn't just look the normal level of 'poor-little-slaughtered-animal' dead; that's _Texas Chainsaw Massacre_ dead."

"I'll _Texas Chainsaw Massacre _you, if you're not careful," he muttered.

Bella frowned. "You're scary when you're stressed."

Edward shrugged, "Eh, it was an empty threat."

Emmett had taken off his shoes and slid into the kitchen in his socks. "What's taking so long?"

Bella looked as sombre as Edward felt as she lifted the lid for a second time.

"Woah!" Emmett recoiled, "Someone really doesn't like chicken."

Once again Edward got defensive. "It's still good, we'll just scrape off the burnt bits and add some cheese and it'll be fine."

"Maybe we could give it to a homeless shelter," Emmett suggested.

"Or a prison," Bella commented.

"Hey!" Edward interrupted, "it's f-"

"Denial," Bella cut in, "– it's not just a river in Egypt, Edward. It's not."

Edward conceded the point and sorrowfully scraped what used to be a promising looking supper into the trash.

"Anyway," Emmett continued, "why were you making…that?"

Edward sighed. "I was practising for Thanksgiving. I figured if I could make chicken, I could make some sort of turkey dish."

"What are you talking about?" Emmett asked.

"Poultry – do keep up," Edward said impatiently.

"No, I mean why are you planning on making turkey? You're coming to ours."

Edward was taken aback. "Really?"

Emmett shrugged, "Yeah, everyone always does. I think it's because my Ma's the only person out of everyone we know who can cook."

"Hey!" Bella protested, "I can cook. I'm making lunch tomorrow for when Edward and his dad are coming over."

"What are you making?" Edward asked.

"Wild salmon on caramelised apples."

"Is that even a thing?"

Bella looked up at him curiously. "A thing?"

"Yeah, I mean, I know you can get these strange flavours like…sea salt in cookies, or bacon and brown sugar or…or…"

"…mustard," Bella finished decisively.

xxx

Lunch at the Swans' had been going well.

The main course had been delicious; however Edward still wasn't sure why Bella had insisted on making such unnecessarily fancy food. The only explanation he could think of was that she was trying to impress Carlisle and his boyish dimples.

_Quelle surprise._

Even conversation was not as forced as it might have been once Carlisle and Charlie discovered their shared love of _Doctor Who_.

Everything was going well until dessert was unveiled. To Bella's and Charlie's evident discomfort Esme had insisted on contributing the pudding.

The conversation Edward had overheard in the kitchen while helping Bella plate the fish hadn't been particularly encouraging.

"_What's with you making dessert?" Charlie asked Esme grinning._

_She scowled at him. "I make…food. I made you those PB&J sandwiches that one time."_

"_Yeah, what was up with those?"_

"_You didn't like them?"_

"_They tasted a little funky."_

_Esme put a hand on her hip, "That cuts deep, Charlie. Those were organic peanut butter, Italian fig jam, whole-wheat sandwiches."_

"_That's exactly my point. Not really…man food."_

"_Bella, say something," Esme pleaded._

_Bella sighed, "I don't know what to say – I have a theory."_

"_Which is?"_

_When Bella didn't respond Charlie took it upon himself to answer for her, "She thinks you're trying to impress Doc Hollywood."_

_Edward leaned in towards Bella slightly. "Doc Hollywood?" he asked._

_Bella grimaced. "Well you did say he comes from California; and he has fantastically white teeth."_

"Umm," Carlisle eyed his dessert-bowl with apprehension, "did you drop it, Esme?"

Bella jumped to her aunt's rescue, "It's Eton Mess; it's supposed to look like that."

"Oh," Carlisle tasted a spoonful, "it's good." He smiled at the toffee-haired woman next to him.

Bella winced and twirled her spoon around a few times. Edward could hear her mutter something that sounded suspiciously like "not a good idea to let her near egg whites".

Dessert stretched well into the afternoon, and before Edward was even really aware of it the supposed adults had declared it late enough to open a bottle of wine. After that it was anybody's guess how the rest of the evening would turn out.

Esme was regaling Carlisle with stories of an overprotective teenage Charlie. "…So this boy has the audacity to ask me to the Middle School dance and Charlie pulls him aside and tells him that if he makes a move the next time he'll see his ribs will be as kebab sticks for his internal organs."

Charlie grimaced. "Yeah, I was a weird kid. I think it's because I was working with a very early prototype of sarcasm back then and I wasn't all that subtle about it."

"Or maybe it was the 'roids talking," Bella jested. She had been drinking copious amounts of coffee to wash down the Count Chocula she'd started eating out of the box a mere half hour after dessert was finished.

Clearly the combination of caffeine and refined sugar was having disastrous effects on her verbal filter.

Charlie shook his head.

Bella frowned into the silence. "Tough crowd."

"Maybe that's officially enough coffee for one day," Charlie advised his daughter.

She looked appalled, "It's not officially enough coffee until your hand is shaking like a turkey come Veterans Day."

Charlie nodded his approval. "Nicely played; argumentative, good imagery, seasonal and finished off with a hint of exaggeration. Couldn't have done it better myself."

Bella grinned. "I learned from the best."

Not long after that a second bottle of wine was opened. Bella shot Edward an exasperated look from across the table. "Wanna go to the movies?"

He nodded. "Please."

xxx

A couple of weeks later Edward was finally able to start driving to school again. Oliver had been restored to all his former, rusty glory; and just in time, too. The weather had gotten steadily colder. For the past week the daily trips to school had been accompanied by temperatures only a few degrees above freezing. The previous weekend there had been a light covering of frost in the garden.

None of this bothered Edward. He was used to a much colder climate. In fact, he couldn't help but feel a little smug when he saw Emmett shivering before they climbed into the truck.

Not that he would call Emmett on it. He had helped Edward install a new stereo in the truck so they wouldn't be stuck listening to the local country station anymore.

Also, he was scarily strong.

Edward pulled into the space next to Bella's car in the student parking lot. When she saw them she waved and hopped out of her seat. When Edward saw what she was wearing he let his head drop forwards onto the steering wheel. Emmett began to laugh when he realised what was going on.

"What is it?" Bella asked self-consciously.

Emmett answered as he got out of the truck, "You guys match." He pointed to their identical navy duffle coats. "Alice is going to have a field day with this," he said before walking off towards the main building for his first class.

Edward climbed out of the truck. He shook his head as he stood next to Bella.

She sighed. "Come on; let's get to English while we stew in the putrid swamp of our shame."

He wrinkled his nose. "That was unnecessarily graphic."

"Just expressive. Anyway, swamps of shame probably smell better than this."

"What?"

"_This_," Bella articulated as she swept her hand towards the English building. "High School - sweaty locker rooms and the complex top notes of angst and sarcasm."

Once they had taken their seats, and the class had settled down from the excitement that the impending Thanksgiving break caused, Mr Masen began his lesson. "So what did everyone think of Auden's 'Their Lonely Betters'?"

Lauren raised her hand. "Isn't it about how…birds are stupid?"

Mr Masen's nose twitched. "Well, they're certainly 'dumb', as they cannot talk. Is that what you meant?"

"Sure."

"Ok, well that's a valid point, though perhaps a little…simplistic. Does anyone else have an opinion?"

Every student in the room was attempting to perfect the 'If-I-just-look-down-at-my-desk-and-can't-see-the-teacher-maybe-he-can't-see-me' manoeuvre.

"Bella," Mr Masen decided to everyone's intense relief, except for Bella's. "You talk a lot, let's hear your opinion."

She shifted in her seat. "I'm not really a fan of Auden."

"Oh?" Mr Masen raised a questioning brow. "Any particular reason?"

"Well, I know that you're not supposed to expect a poem to reflect the sincere views of the author, but he just seems…_fickle_."

"Fickle?"

"Yes, I mean, this is the guy who wrote 'We must love one another or die', then changed it to 'We must love one another _and_ die', and then dropped the whole thing altogether. Clearly, the guy's nothing if not consistent."

"Well, he did restore the poem in later editions of his works, because of its popularity."

"I don't know whether that makes it better or worse."

"So people aren't allowed to change their minds?" Mr Masen asked, with what seemed like genuine curiosity.

"I'm just saying that if you're going to make a grandiose statement like that, you should probably stick to it."

"And sacrifice his art in favour of being loyal to a maxim he may or may not believe in anymore?"

"I agree with Bella;" Edward stepped in, "I think if you're going to go down the sweeping statement route you have to do it the Marlowe way and hew them down with a heroic couplet. That guy meant what he said."

"I want to live my life in heroic couplets," Alice piped up.

"I want to live my life in dactylic dimeter," Mr Masen replied.

xxx

Howard had said grace around the McCarty's dining table.

It wasn't just a dining table, really. It was a dining table joined to three of its mismatched, ugly children.

Containing the McCarties, Swans, Cullens, Alice and her mother, and Rosalie, the small dining room was filled well beyond capacity.

Edward was stuck on a wonky, plastic garden chair. Plastic garden chairs hated Edward; they usually hit him with the twin evils of pain and humiliation.

He was about to help himself to some sweet potatoes when Charlie cautioned him. "Not sure if you want to do that, son; Esme prepared those."

Esme scowled at her brother-in-law. "They're fine, or at least…they will be once you remind yourself that they're not the worst thing you've ever eaten."

Edward nodded. "It's cool; I ate a worm once."

Bella snorted. "Please, _one_? That's so amateur. I grew up with Emmett; worms were one of our main sources of protein as kids."

"Oh yeah," Alice said, "I remember he used to make us eat mud pies, too. He was really dedicated to the cause."

"Emmett!" Bernadette scolded her son.

"Thanks a lot, Judas," he said around a mouthful of turkey, glaring at Alice. His eyes soon began to glint conspicuously. His look was eerily similar to the one he usually got just before proceeding to scoff an entire packet of Cheerios in one sitting.

Edward feared for the pecan pie.

Emmett stood up from his chair and began to speak, "Now, I don't want to keep anyone from the food for longer than necessary, in fact, we all know that my face is where turkey comes to die; I just wanted to officially welcome the two new faces to our Thanksgiving table," he nodded towards Carlisle and Edward, "utilising the immortal words of Shakespeare."

Emmett cleared his voice. "This day is called the feast of Thanksgiving," he waved towards the laden table. "He that outlives this day, and comes safe home will stand a tip-toe when this day is named, and rouse him at the name of Thanksgiving."

He patted his chest, "He that shall live this day, and see old age, will yearly on the vigil feast his neighbours and say 'Tomorrow is Thanksgiving.'

"Then will he strip his sleeve and show his scars," Emmett pointed to his gravy-stained arm, "and say 'These wounds I had on Thanksgiving Day'. Old men forget; yet all shall be forgot, but he'll remember, with advantages, what feats he did that day." He brandished an arm towards the turkey.

Silence permeated the McCarties' dining room for a moment. Edward began to clap hesitantly and was soon joined by the others. Carlisle even managed a cheerful "Bravo!", while Alice turned to Bella with a confused look. "Emmett reads?"

Edward scratched his head and frowned, "Look, I don't want to throw accusations around, but I think someone spiked the cranberry sauce."

xxx

Edward's limbs were intensely valued by their owner and he therefore usually avoided the Black Friday sales.

He broke that tradition, or rather _survival technique_, this particular year.

Laden with Edward's two new purchases, Oliver puttered around Ashland late that night before pulling up to the curb a few dozen yards from Bella's house.

Most of the lights were still on, but the hour was becoming acutely unsocial, so Edward shrewdly decided not to alert the Chief to his presence. He walked around the side of the house until he could see Bella moving around in her room. Before the situation could get any creepier he knocked on the window.

Bella didn't seem surprised to find someone outside her window at first, but was taken aback to see Edward standing there.

"Hey," she greeted, leaning out of her window, "what are you doing here?"

"The corner of Gresham and Beach looks pretty pathetic." He shrugged, "November is one of the best months to plant those Camellias I just happen to have in the back of the truck."

Bella grinned widely. "Step inside while I find my jacket and a gold star for you."

Edward stepped up onto a conveniently placed terracotta pot and lifted himself onto the windowsill, then swung his legs into her room.

Almost immediately he spotted a mat and sleeping bag spread across the floor. "Umm…am I interrupting a sleepover?"

"What? Oh…" Bella glanced at the sleeping bag anxiously and bit her lip. "If I told you that that's for my imaginary friend Alfonso, would you believe me?"

"Probably not," Edward replied.

"Okay, if I asked you to just forget about it, would you?"

Edward thought about it briefly and nodded. "That seems fair seeing as it's probably none of my business anyway…"

Bella smiled.

"Do you still want to go out?"

She nodded, "Yeah, let me just grab my wellies."

While Bella was rooting around in her closet Edward wandered around her room. He couldn't help but smile at a small photograph of two very young versions of Bella and Jacob. They seemed to be about four and had evidently just consumed vast quantities of candy; they were covered in molten chocolate.

He could see movement by the window in his peripheral vision and before he knew it Jasper Whitlock was clambering inside, chin first.

Literally.

Edward had never noticed before, but the guy had an unnervingly strong jawline.

Edward's overactive imagination quickly assembled a list of likely scenarios which could have led to this situation.

_1) He's a serial killer and he's coming for Bella_.

_2) He's a serial killer and he's coming for me._

He discarded those thoughts as they were unkind. And Jasper had come empty handed…although murder weapons were probably not hard to come by in a girl's bedroom.

_3) Burglary._

Jasper was wearing neither a balaclava not head-to-toe black, thereby not conforming to Edward's burglar stereotypes.

_4) Sleeping bag…_

This thought was so unexpected that Edward quickly replaced it with a much more comfortable and less complex idea.

_5) He's a vampire._

Edward realised that he had been having a stare-off with a pair of frozen blue eyes and that Bella was still unaware of Jasper's arrival.

"Umm, Bella?"

"Yep?" She turned around and saw Jasper standing sheepishly by her window, but before she could say anything there was a knock on her bedroom door. "Bells?"

Bella threw Edward and Jasper a panicked look and motioned towards the closet which both boys scrambled into. Once inside Edward became aware of his close proximity to Jasper.

_Awkward._

He heard Bella open the door and Chief Swan's gruff voice.

"I just wanted to let you know that I have to go out."

"Is everything okay?" Bella asked.

"Got a call-out. Apparently some kids, including that Whitlock boy, are messing around out by Creek Park. Hopefully I won't be home too late…Are you alright? You seem fidgety."

"Oh yeah, I'm actually just on the phone to Alice; she has menstrual questions."

Both Edward and Jasper winced and the Chief seemed completely out of his comfort zone, too. "Okay, well…you go…deal with that."

"Be careful."

"Always am."

"Bye, Dad."

"Bye, weirdly grown-up Bella."

After a few moments Edward heard footsteps crossing the room. The door in front of him and Jasper was opened and a smirking Bella appeared. Edward began to untangle himself from a wax jacket and a pair of dungarees when Bella stopped him. "Wait a moment."

"Why?" he asked nervously.

Bella took a calming breath and straightened her t-shirt; then she smiled brightly. "I can't believe I am getting to say this, but…Jasper and Edward, would you please come out of the closet?"

Edward rolled his eyes, while Jasper muttered, "That was lame; you could have done better than that, Bella."

After putting a more comfortable distance between himself and Jasper, Edward turned towards him. "I'm guessing the sleeping bag is for you."

Bella answered. "Jasper sleeps here sometimes."

Edward nodded but kept on looking at Jasper. "If you're here, how come the Chief thinks you're out in the woods?"

Jasper ran a hand through his light, messy hair. "Yeah, about that…"

xxx

**A/N:** I hate it when Emmett becomes the fan fiction dumbass. So I had him recite the St. Crispin's Day speech.

"We must love one another or die" is a line in W. H. Auden's 'September 1, 1939'.

Reviewers receive a teaser for Chapter 13.


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